Spam

"Please fuck me this is not a joke"

It's rare that spam gets my attention anymore, but this subject line prompted me to open the e-mail Right Away.

My mind was racing during the Michael Phelps millisecond it took to click, then load. Could it be...Craig Ferguson? Someone with a yet to be identified life or death medical condition? Moe?







Nope.

Turns out it was someone named Melodyxkon2 inviting me to chat via Yahoo messenger.

Hmmm. Melody. xkon. 2.

Enticing.
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Ever get a spam e-mail you just HAD to open? Are you still getting spam?

The only reason I even see spam anymore is because of Yahoo - it was the first personal e-mail account I ever opened and is only used now for placing orders on-line or for signing up for news sites that require a login.
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So what'd you do with the e-mail, Hedy?

Sadly, I had to forgo a humorless roll in the hay with the tuneful two-time felon.

But I know just the guy who would LOVE that sort of thing.

Click. Forward. Send to: MoeWanchuk@ElitistHornyPigs.com.
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I am listening to: Gromit breathing
I am reading: The Mists of Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley
And I am: Not falling for it again

7

It happens throughout the day. Every weekday.

2.

7.

1.

13. Yikes.

ZERO!
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That's me and my friend Jim, the IT guy. IM'ing our inbox status to each other.

A while back, when we worked together, we decided to clean out our e-mail in boxes for good and vowed to keep them neat, well-managed and nearly empty at all times.

These daily status reports? The E-mailers Anonymous equivalent of checking in with my sponsor.
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Have you tried this?

Organizational experts recommend it. But you don't need some high-priced anal retentive freak when you have yours truly, bargain basement anal retentive freak.

If you're like me, you use your e-mail in box as a to do list. Which is great, until you accumulate about a shmillion e-mails and the shit hits the fan.

Here are the rules. When you get an e-mail, read it and then:

1) Reply
2) Delete, or
3) Move to sub folder

If you can't act on it right away, keep it in your in box. But no longer than three days.
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You've done it. Grown old searching for that one elusive e-mail. Could be in trash. Could be in your in box.

Sort by sender. Nope. Did I reply? I replied. Check sent items. What was the subject? Sort by subject. Nope, not there either.

And of course Microsoft's e-mail search is about as useful as a three inch cock on a cold day. Or any day, for that matter.

Sub folders are the key.

You're not deleting important e-mails, you're just filing them away, like you would important documents.

I have sub folders for practically everyone at work, plus alliances, competitors, public relations, research, speaking opportunities, and vendors. I create sub folders for every campaign, promotion or event.

And when someone asks for that e-mail about that one thing from that one person, I'm ready.
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One dude actually declared e-mail bankruptcy.

If you have more than 500 unread e-mails in your in box, it's a good idea.

Who I am being rude to today? What did I forget to do? Who's gonna throw me under the bus because I never responded?

It sucks. It's stressful. And so unnecessary.

Ever since I cleaned out my in box and started proactively managing my e-mails, I'm less stressed. More organized. More focused.

And it's so satisfying, the days when I can say "ZERO!"
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I am listening to: Gromit sleeping
I am reading: Blink by Malcolm Gladwell
And I am: Up to 7, but working on it