Tuesday, November 24, 2009

No Thanksgiving

You may not remember this but I sure do. Last year we here at HedyBlog started my new favorite pre-Thanksgiving tradition: No Thanksgiving.

If you're like me, you're just about done with all that treacly "I'm thankful for" shit on Facebook and could use a little bitching and swearing. So here's a list of things I'm not thankful for in no particular order; please feel free to join in any time.

My fucking in grown toenail which is the biggest, ugliest, throbbiest painful mess anyone has seen since Anna Nicole Smith died.
David Letterman - who is a creep and should STFU
Sarah Palin - who is a silly C U Next Tuesday and should STFU
Fundamentalist Christians
Any fundamentalist, period
The remote control for the TV which does not do as its told
Those ridiculous, ubiquitous chanting GAP commercials
People who walk and text
People who walk and text whilst going down the stairs from the El tracks when I'm in a hurry to catch my fucking train
(I so want to push them)
Troublemakers - people who like to create issues to distract from their own incompetence
Beck, Limbaugh, O'Reilly, Hannity, Coulter and Malkin
The movie Wild Hogs with John Travolta and others - one of the worst movies in the history of all movies
Old Navy ads with the creepy mannequins - not at all compelling
My fucking Sony TV which has blue dots all over it
The Sony 'warranty' which only covered this known issue with my model until last year
Now it's a giant paperweight that gives me a headache every time I watch it
Zack Ephron - he looks like he's got a squirrel camped in his head
That stupid crotch Soledad O'Brien who seriously couldn't interview her way out of a wet paper bag
Leong, the guy who did my nails last Saturday - he yelled at me because I wanted them shorter and then wouldn't speak to me until they were done
I NEVER get my nails done - EVER
My mother-in-law's spankin' new computer which hasn't worked right since someone who shall remain nameless installed AOL on it
For fuck's sake
Level 64 on Blocked
Vertical Response, which totally fucked me last Friday on an email drop: The test environment doesn't replicate the actual drop
The toilets in our house which always threaten to clog right up to the moment you wave the plunger at them
Oh great. "From the director of Wild Hogs: Old Dogs"
How do these people get to continue making movies? Seriously.
People who start every sentence with "So"
Maggie Gyllenhaal - there's something wrong with her face
My poorly designed deodorant dispenser, which is surprisingly difficult to use - can't even imagine someone with arthritis managing it
Relatives who come to your house and shit the bed
Radio ads that use ringing telephones and beeping car horns
TV commercials at the gas pump
People who lack social skills, e.g. they can't tell when people want them to shut the fuck up
Farmville, Mafia Wars, and any of those other retarded Facebook games
No, I won't help you fuck a sheep or grow turnips or kill off your sworn enemy with a cell phone. Stop it.
Lady GaGa
People who fart on the train
The conductor on the 7:22 who talks too much and never does his share of the work
This uncomfortable couch
Any vampires who are not on True Blood
Michael Jackson - so glad that creep is finally gone
Rod Blagojevich, George Ryan, Kwame Kilpatrick
That scary king from the Burger King commercials
That stupid show Cougar Town
People who persist in making fat jokes about Oprah - it was funny in 1992. Not now.
The Asian cab driver who would not drive faster than 10 mph tonight
The cab driver who wanted to drop me off at the Madison street entrance to Union Station - who the fuck does that?
Smelly cab drivers
Chicago weather
I am listening to: Craig Ferguson
I am reading: Drawing Down the Moon by Margot Adler
And I am: Ungrateful


Dave said...

Hey! You skipped last Friday! Get with it!