CWC

In honor of Cuddly Wuddly Christ, Dave from RatherThanWorking, and the holiday season in general, here is my all-time favorite Christmas memory:

It’s December and we’re bringing down Mom’s mountains of Christmas decorations from the attic.

Da is up at the top of the stairs handing things down to us. Us is me, my brother Eric, and David, my boyfriend at the time.

It was a long process and we were all pretty crabby and dusty towards the end.

“Here’s a box of ornaments,” Da said. “Be careful.”

“Here’s the wreath.”

“Here are the outside lights, put those over in the corner.”

Finally, he got to the last box. The three of us looked up expectantly at Da, leaning down with that trademark half-serious grin.

“And here. Here’s the goddamned manger.”

Thanks to Da, every manger, anywhere (especially in my own house, dragging out decorations in December) is referred to as The Goddamned Manger.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am listening to: Bare Naked Ladies - God Rest Ye Merry Woop-di-do

I am reading: Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

And I am: Unbelievably joyful

Good Things Friday - You Don't Need Shoes if You're Dead Edition

My iPhone isn't dead, just very crabby lately
My heavy winter boots which I thought needed replacing
Just needed a good cleaning/vacuuming and
Are pretty much the warmest things I own
They're ugly but get the job done
Unlike those fucking Ugg boots that are worthless in deep snow/slush
Going to the ChristKindl-Markt (which we call the Kringle mart) then dinner with Jim and The Millers tonight - it's going to be a blast.
Putting up the village tomorrow with Tina - one of my favorite holiday traditions
The Chipmunks Xmas song
3 Advil is the poor man's Vicodin
Jim's new baked Spanish rice recipe - YUMMY
Gromit actually looked pissed and covered his eyes with his paws Thursday morning when I turned on the light to find a book
It was without question the most human thing he's ever done
Right after knowing Mom was spelling F-R-I-S-B-E-E that one time
"Why does she need shoes if she's dying?"
Jim's Xmas lights on the house are beautiful
He always sneaks off and buys new ornaments a few weeks before Christmas -this year it's an excessively chatty Robby the Robot and a Twilight Zone TV
"Are those my bras?' I say to Jim as he brings in a small UPS box from the porch.
"Your bras would fit in this box?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics
I am reading: Nothing great right now
And I am: Getting there

Good Things Friday - Freezing My Baguettes Off Edition

BEST THANKSGIVING EVER - it was a truly collaborative effort and unbelievably fun, thanks to all of our good friends, xoxo!
Having some amazing, enlightening conversations with Mom over the past two days
Another favorite holiday tradition: Christmas Walk in Geneva tonight; hope to see you there!
Last year I knocked over a luminary and it burst into flames
Went to a Pampered Chef party at Mrs. You-Know-Who's with Mom W, Judy, and Debbie Thursday night
Jim: "You're just pissed off you don't have a penis."
For the first time in my life I have pretty fingernails and am getting lots of compliments on them
It's very girly and historically I've stayed away from high maintenance chick stuff, but this makes me inexplicably happy
My new lumpy brown $20 sweater from Target
Okay maybe I'm lumpy, not the sweater but who the fuck cares
My podiatrist has fixed the hell outta both ingrown toenails
His name is Robin and he's awesome
(I like it when he touches my feet)
(in a purely professional doctor-patient way of course)
(not really)
Anyhow, where were we?
I am writing again, just not here - more on that later
"Back Door Santa" by Clarence Carter
I now have a professional mentor - something new and interesting and kinda cool
Getting the Griswold family Christmas tree this Sunday
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Blue Christmas - Elvis
I am reading: Drawing Down the Moon by Margot Adler
And I am: Pretty freakin' festive

No Thanksgiving

You may not remember this but I sure do. Last year we here at HedyBlog started my new favorite pre-Thanksgiving tradition: No Thanksgiving.

If you're like me, you're just about done with all that treacly "I'm thankful for" shit on Facebook and could use a little bitching and swearing. So here's a list of things I'm not thankful for in no particular order; please feel free to join in any time.

My fucking in grown toenail which is the biggest, ugliest, throbbiest painful mess anyone has seen since Anna Nicole Smith died.
David Letterman - who is a creep and should STFU
Sarah Palin - who is a silly C U Next Tuesday and should STFU
Fundamentalist Christians
Any fundamentalist, period
The remote control for the TV which does not do as its told
Those ridiculous, ubiquitous chanting GAP commercials
People who walk and text
People who walk and text whilst going down the stairs from the El tracks when I'm in a hurry to catch my fucking train
(I so want to push them)
Troublemakers - people who like to create issues to distract from their own incompetence
Beck, Limbaugh, O'Reilly, Hannity, Coulter and Malkin
The movie Wild Hogs with John Travolta and others - one of the worst movies in the history of all movies
Old Navy ads with the creepy mannequins - not at all compelling
My fucking Sony TV which has blue dots all over it
The Sony 'warranty' which only covered this known issue with my model until last year
Now it's a giant paperweight that gives me a headache every time I watch it
Zack Ephron - he looks like he's got a squirrel camped in his head
That stupid crotch Soledad O'Brien who seriously couldn't interview her way out of a wet paper bag
Leong, the guy who did my nails last Saturday - he yelled at me because I wanted them shorter and then wouldn't speak to me until they were done
I NEVER get my nails done - EVER
My mother-in-law's spankin' new computer which hasn't worked right since someone who shall remain nameless installed AOL on it
For fuck's sake
Level 64 on Blocked
Vertical Response, which totally fucked me last Friday on an email drop: The test environment doesn't replicate the actual drop
The toilets in our house which always threaten to clog right up to the moment you wave the plunger at them
Oh great. "From the director of Wild Hogs: Old Dogs"
How do these people get to continue making movies? Seriously.
People who start every sentence with "So"
Maggie Gyllenhaal - there's something wrong with her face
My poorly designed deodorant dispenser, which is surprisingly difficult to use - can't even imagine someone with arthritis managing it
Relatives who come to your house and shit the bed
Radio ads that use ringing telephones and beeping car horns
TV commercials at the gas pump
People who lack social skills, e.g. they can't tell when people want them to shut the fuck up
Farmville, Mafia Wars, and any of those other retarded Facebook games
No, I won't help you fuck a sheep or grow turnips or kill off your sworn enemy with a cell phone. Stop it.
Lady GaGa
People who fart on the train
The conductor on the 7:22 who talks too much and never does his share of the work
This uncomfortable couch
Any vampires who are not on True Blood
Michael Jackson - so glad that creep is finally gone
Rod Blagojevich, George Ryan, Kwame Kilpatrick
That scary king from the Burger King commercials
That stupid show Cougar Town
People who persist in making fat jokes about Oprah - it was funny in 1992. Not now.
The Asian cab driver who would not drive faster than 10 mph tonight
The cab driver who wanted to drop me off at the Madison street entrance to Union Station - who the fuck does that?
Smelly cab drivers
Chicago weather
Cramps
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Craig Ferguson
I am reading: Drawing Down the Moon by Margot Adler
And I am: Ungrateful

Good Things Friday, Fuck Yeah Edition

The huge, bright orange sun on the horizon this morning
Laughing with Mom this morning
“Dead Doug”
Jim’s new Mexican chicken recipe - outstanding!
A fantastic, hilarious weekend in Lake Geneva with the You Know Who’s and the Millers – hearing the theme from ‘Rocky’ will make me crack up for the rest of my life.
In fact, I’d probably like it played at my funeral. ☺
“The Snuggie for men should have a hole in the front” - Jim
Playing with Grommie upstairs every night when I get home from work – sometimes he wants to play tug o’ war and sometimes it’s chase or hide and seek, he picks.
Reading all the “Today I am thankful for” posts on Facebook
The Daily Show – outstanding news/entertainment – if you’re not watching, you should be.
Jim is building a bar downstairs and it’s going to be amazing
The Freedom Wall, a few blocks from my office in the River North neighborhood of Chicago
Thanksgiving – my FAVORITE holiday – is next week
The guy on the train wearing the Darth Vader “Join the Dark Side” sweatshirt with his tongue pierced
Discussing the difference between bitching and nagging with Jim over dinner at Stockholm’s Wednesday night
The new Star Trek movie – just plain ol’ fun
“We need to get away, just you and me.” - Jim
The graffiti under the bridge near Union Station – beautiful owls
Upgraded the work Mac to Snow Leopard and it is noticeably zippier
I thought my bus stop at Huron/Orleans was eliminated, but the sign was just down for construction
Birch trees
Zinging my friend Spike (remember him?) on Facebook comments this week – always satisfying and fun
Becoming a fan of WhosPooping on Facebook
Turkey Raffle tonight – looking forward to an evening with all of our friends winning meat
Little Johnny jokes
The Christmas decorations at the Portillo’s on Clark in the city
Now the sun is high and pure white and fighting clouds
It’s going to be a good day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: The Killers – Read My Mind
I am reading: Neil Steinberg in the Sun-Times
And I am: Fuck Yeah

Good things Friday

Email at 6:08 this morning: "Work from home!!!"
Today is Hug a Jew Day - of course, working from home it's highly unlikely I'll have the opportunity but oh well
The Daily Show
Sean Hannity apologizing to the Daily Show
Rising above the lunacy with a bit of reason and compassion
Not succumbing to the frenzied state of others
Worked out four times this week - went to lunchtime Pilates twice
Googled a tech support issue and fixed it myself
Scrabble on Facebook
"You don't have very many points. So shut up."
Orange chicken at Panda Express
"You should walk around the house like that all the time"
Shopping, drinking and laughing for 24 hours in Lake Geneva this weekend
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Quiet house sounds
I am reading: Nothing
And I am: Calm

GTF

The mass they pulled from Da’s bladder was benign - YAYYY!!!
Benign is a great word
My friends over at UWantSavings.com are celebrating one year in business. Congratulations! Bravo!
Please visit their site if you're looking for amazing deals on all kinds of cool products from housewares to clothing and more.
And a hearty Woot! to them as well (Woot! contacted them for an alliance, another big win...way to go!)
The smell of bacon outside The Green Door Tavern in the morning
I am blogging for work – at least twice a week – so that’s something I guess
"People's civil liberties should not be put up for a vote."
Had the quintessential Halloween: Scary stories around a bonfire under a nearly full moon
The phrase “waxing gibbous”
It sounds kinda dirty/sexy, doesn’t it?
I am learning how to cook, thanks to Jim
My friend Susan F. gave me a thank you box of chocolates from Rich Chocolates – they were amazing
Saying “life is like a box of chocolates” in my best Forrest Gump voice
A date with Jim in the city last night
Watching The Daily Show on my iPhone
Planning another raucous 24 hours in Lake Geneva
“I’m sorry for bitching at you earlier.” - me
“Was that bitching? I thought that was just normal conversation.” - Jim
The One Chick Rule – if it's a group of guys and just one chick you can talk/act as if she’s not there
The crazy cat woman who always eats a breakfast bar and crackles her wrapper like mad is NOT on the 7:07 today
No big plans this weekend other than yard work with Jim and maybe a bonfire
Steve’s Deli on Hubbard across from the East Bank Club – outstanding, classic Jewish deli
Except there were no pickles on the table, which to me is the sign of a true classic Jewish deli
Anyhow
Fixed the problem with duplicate contacts on my iPhone – All By Myself (thank you, Google)
But not without first deleting every contact from all of my lists – oops
Fortunately it was an easy mistake to fix
In the process, I deleted some contacts that were Long Overdue for deleting and it felt Very Good Indeed
Chatting with my friend Jeff on the way to work this morning - he's one of the few people who shares my political/social views
Researching projectors for our office – ask me anything about lumens, throw, DLP, 1080p, whathaveyou – I’m your girl
The show Californication on Showtime – Hank Moody is my fucking hero. Literally.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Follow You Down – Gin Blossoms
I am reading: Case study for Lucy Activewear
And I am: Okee-dokey

GTS!

Sure it was a rough week but I realized last night that my foul mood was getting in the way of seeing all the really good things this week.

And the number one good thing is this: We're celebrating Jim's Mom's 80th birthday today.

That's how bad the week was - I totally forgot about this other Major Event that we've been planning since June. Sixty people. Family and her neighbors and her friends and our neighbors and our friends. And an accordion player who specializes in Polka music.

It's today.

Today we're celebrating this woman who is a blessing to everyone. She's taken great care of herself - she certainly doesn't look like an octogenarian - and still manages to take care of all of us.

I am particularly grateful because she raised a son who is unbelievably kind and loving to me.

So there ya go. Good Things Saturday.

Happy birthday, Mom W. Many happy returns.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Plain White T's - All That We Needed
I am reading: High on Arrival by Mackenzie Phillips
And I am: Grateful

GTF - Fetal Position Edition

Rough week. I feel like curling up in the fetal position - and that's just from walking to the bus this morning in the always so fucking perfect sideways rain that signifies the lovely season of Fall here in Chicago.

Please Help: Da has another suspicious growth in his bladder. They removed it in the doctor's office on Monday and we'll have biopsy results in two weeks. Please send warm thoughts and prayers to my parents this week. They're holding up remarkably well but could always use the extra special support.

Anyhow.

Here's my feeble, beaten-up-from-the-week attempt at GTF (it would've been WAY easier to bitch about how fucked up this week was, but here goes):

Jim made me laugh over my inability to say 'indemnification' in my big huge important webinar on Wednesday.
"I think that's actually pretty funny. How'd you say it, Jesse?"
It's 'Celebrate Your Mistakes' assignment week at Charm School, how fucking appropriate is that?
Jim came up with the idea that we should have an accordion player for his Mom's big 80th birthday bash this weekend.
Found one last night within a minute of Googling and he's PERFECT.
Laughing with Mom over It's a "Vanilla Shake on My Tits" day
Wore flip flops for the first time since early September Wednesday night
Finally found some time to finish book 4 of the Twilight series - it was good, mindless fiction. Certainly not on par with Harry Potter, but good.
Playing Scrabble with Jim the IT guy
Reuland's in Aurora is catering the party this weekend - they have the best roast beef sammiches on the planet
Birthday cake!
"We should have ice cream for the cake"
Loaded baked potato soup from Stockholm's in Geneva
I worked out three times this week, once at 4:30 in the morning.
Can you tell this isn't working for me? I'm really struggling.
Did I mention birthday cake?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: The Killers - Read My Mind
I am reading: High on Arrival by Mackenzie Phillips
And I am: Morose

GTF - by popular demand!

Getting an email from my good friend Judy "Where's GTF??????? I look forward to that every week!"
My new Poppie Jones gloves/mittens from DSW – with the thumbs that flip off (in a good way)
Adventures with Aunt Joy last week
"I was more worried about Chicago"
Dark chocolate Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup miniatures
Riding into Chicago on the train with Jim yesterday
I have 360 people registered for my webcast next Wednesday – a new record
Understanding the idea of having the right topic at the right time
Having a dance floor in my basement
Understanding irritating people
My comfy, raggedy ol' Ugg boots
Work is going particularly well right now
Lunch with Susan on Monday
"I don't think I've got a code for robot."
Dinner at Ach-n-Lou's pizza in Aurora last night
Good, really deep dreams lately
Hearing the word 'broad' as in "She looks like an old Vegas broad" twice this week
Using the word 'tool' as a replacement for asshole, dickhead, etc.
Lunch with Jim the IT guy today
The chicken parm sammich at Portillo's
"And she shit the bed!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Jewel - You Were Meant for Me
I am reading: Twilight - book 4
And I am: Pretty fucking happy right now

GTF: Dead-People-Don't-Have-Feelings/Eschew the Hoo Edition

Mom and me have this twisty little joke we tell - it's been going on for as long as I can remember.

When somebody dies, one of us asks "How did he die?"

And the other says "Like this" with an accompanying head tilt/eyes closed thing, feigning death.

It kills (yes, I said it) every time but I guess you really have to be there to appreciate it.

So earlier this week when I told Mom about The Turd offing himself, she said "So I have to ask - how did he die?"

And it cracked me up completely even though I didn't really feel like laughing.

Humor about death is healthy and absolutely necessary. I think it's why The Big Chill is one of my all-time favorite movies - friends are grieving over an unexpected loss and they deal with it in all kinds of delightfully screwball ways.

Anyhow - I've also been thinking about this whole concept of having respect for the dead. It's taboo to say negative things about dead people. You could probably tell I struggled with it a bit earlier this week.

After Nixon died you would've thought the man was a saint. No "I am not a crook" references, just all the reverence generally afforded an elder statesman. Michael Jackson, same thing. Not a word about the twisted relationships he had with young boys throughout his life. And then there's the recent MacKenzie Phillips thing. I was at the Oprah Winfrey show where she announced her ten-year long incestuous relationship with her father. And of course the confession sparked outrage over the fact that Papa John couldn't defend himself.

I sat there in the audience thinking, in the words of Stan from South Park, "Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hedy, do you and Mom do the jokey death 'like this' thing when EVERYONE dies?

No. This joke is reserved for people who were mere acquaintances and/or relatives we didn't know or like all that well.

Never for close friends/family.

I think I did it when my Aunt Ethel died and it didn't go over too well. Although I laughed like hell.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If someone is an asshole while they're alive (like The Turd) it oughtta be okay to call him an asshole after he's six feet under.

But HEDY, the asshole isn't around to defend himself. It's not respectful.

BULLSHIT. First of all, what difference does it make if I call someone an asshole, whether they're in the next room or dead? Either way, they're not around to defend themselves. In fact, it's probably worse insulting someone from the next room. At least in that case I'm insulting a real live person who may or may not care about being called an asshole. Dead people don't have feelings.

Second of all, who's bright idea was it that dead people ought to be afforded more respect than the living? If someone wasn't worthy of respect while they were living and breathing, why the fuck should they garner any respect once they're gone? Makes no sense.

But HEDY. You were all Mrs. Compassion earlier this week.

I know, fuck you and shaddap. Seriously. I have the ability to recognize when I'm on the squishy edge of bleeding heart liberal and thankfully I've managed to step out of the goo as this week has progressed.

Okay, I do understand the part about having respect for the people who have lost a loved one - absolutely I understand that. But here's the scoop:

Fact: My former boss was a selfish, insufferable prick. He made life miserable for a lot of people. He knew he was a prick. And he didn't care.

Fact: He was on medication periodically throughout his adult life and chose not to take it. The meds helped him be a 'normal' person but he wanted no part of it.

Fact: He killed himself in a way that he knew family members would find him.

Fact: I am judging the hell out of him right now and don't really give a fuck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One of the single greatest things I've learned at charm school is that we are obligated to be the best version of ourselves - we owe it to the people around us.

We also owe it to the people we love to expect more out of them. I'm obligated to tell you if you're not making good decisions and I sure as hell hope you'd tell me the same. That's one of the finest definitions of genuine love I can imagine.

The Turd gave up trying to be a worthwhile human being a long time ago and decided if he was going to be miserable, then he might as well make everyone else around him miserable as well.

Bottom line, he needed to die. The world is a much better place without him in it.

There are three kinds of people: Those who make a difference and work hard to be good people. Those who don't really make a difference but don't hurt anyone else and just do their own thing. And then there are those who make it their mission to create havoc and pain wherever they go.

That last group - if they are conscious of their actions like my boss was - should die as quickly and as painfully as possible.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Okay, enough of that shit. Let's wrap up with Good Things Friday:

Waking up to multiple hoot-owls hooting Monday morning
And yes, they're hoot owls dammit; I'm quite certain there are some owls who eschew the hoo
Spelling owl 'wol' like in Winnie the Pooh
Monday morning - looking out at the misty trees in the backyard just starting to turn
Lunch with Ms. Moo on Monday
Text from Mrs. You Know Who: "Look at the moon!"
Aunt Joy is here for the weekend
Text from Jim, who was in Rome all week: "Exhausted. Six hours in the Vatican."
My response: "Six hours? Were you in confession?"
Shopping with Mrs. YKW on Sunday
Watching Benny & Joon Tuesday night - "You're out of your tree." "It's not my tree."
Email from my friend Wesley from the train: "What else would you do if that [magic] wand really worked?"
My response: "Laundry. Seriously. Just laundry."
Scarf weather
Breakfast for lunch at Yolk on Wells
Unexpectedly seeing someone I hadn't seen in a very long time and smiling about it all day long
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Drops of Jupiter - Train
I am reading: I'm on hiatus from Twilight 4
And I am: Damn glad I'm not dead, like this

R.I.P. Turd

“Did you hear? Doug _______ committed suicide.”

That’s how I found out my former boss – known here as The Turd – killed himself last Friday. Via a Facebook email message from a former co-worker.

Apparently he hung himself in his living room. Rumor has it he was found by several family members, possibly one of his children. No one from his/my former company attended the funeral.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don’t know how to feel about this yet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When friends asked if I harbored any ill feelings towards him, I’d always say that karma would catch up with him. I told myself I didn’t necessarily need to see it happen. I just knew that his story wouldn’t end well.

But this. This is something different.

Something to ponder.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He was a man who blamed everyone else for his troubles. So it seems fitting that he’d kill himself and let his family find him – a final ‘fuck you’ from someone who truly did not get the human condition.

Part of me wants to know every detail. Did he use a ladder? A rope? What was he wearing? Did he leave a note?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
His boundless anger showed in his face – it was always red, bordering on crimson. When he smiled, he looked just like the Grinch.

I wonder if he finally lost that look. If he appeared peaceful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There are remembrances on his ‘death notice’ page. The trend of leaving condolences via a web site bugs the shit out of me for some reason – but I couldn’t keep myself from reading all of the posts.

He was 50. And there were 35 notes.

I don’t know if that’s high or low.

But I do know that the person they’re remembering is not the person we knew professionally. Some people actually loved him and will miss him.

The word incongruous keeps popping into my head.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Apparently his two business partners told him he was no longer welcome in the office earlier this year. He was unemployed, yet still owned part of the business. He did not receive a paycheck. He could not find work and became a stay at home dad to his four kids.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I just realized that rumor rhymes with tumor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When people say ‘rumor has it’, it’s because no one else will claim it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On the days when I was sitting in his office waiting to be yelled at, he’d often chat with his oldest son on the phone, the one who plays hockey.

He was stern and always ended the calls with “Work hard.”

These are words it's hard to find fault with – sound advice from any parent.

And yet if that was all his child heard – well who knows. I sure don’t.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I used to fantasize about running into him somewhere in the city. On my good days, I’d smile and nod but say nothing.

On my bad days I’d smile and ask him how life was treating him and if he'd found work and maybe call him a worthless douchebag or fuckwad or something equally charming/creative.

Am I sad because I won’t have that opportunity?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I remember being shocked when Doug admitted he was voting for Obama.

“It might not be best for me or my business, but it’s best for our country.”

It was the only thing I’d ever heard him say that was both reasonable and utterly selfless.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In my better moments, I’d recognize that he was deeply disturbed. That underneath all of that anger he carried a ton of hurt. That understanding why he acted that way was more important than how he treated others.

But I also vented about him here. A lot.

And maybe that’s why I’m struggling with how to feel right now.

I’m sad because I wasn’t more compassionate.

I don’t kid myself that I could’ve made a difference in his life – the thought is utterly ridiculous – but the truest test of our own morality, of the best version of ourselves is how we treat others when they’re hurting, when they are the worst version of themselves.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: A Kiss to Build a Dream On - Louis Armstrong
I am reading: Twilight Book 4
And I am: Still figuring it out

Yep, thought so

"Hey I like that scarf," says Jim the IT guy at lunch today.

"Thanks. Do you think it makes me look like a whore?"

"Well, you always look like a whore..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Quiet office sounds
I am reading: Twilight book 4
And I am: A scarf-wearin' whore

GTF

A spontaneous and FABULOUSLY FUN night out with our friends Steve & Judy Wednesday
Lotsa work-related compliments this week
Today we find out if Chicago gets the Olympics in 2016
I am wearing a pretty new brightly colored scarf today
A scarf that I didn’t have the courage to wear last week
Because I tend to be fashionably impaired
And think everyone is staring at me thinking “Look at that fashionably impaired whore with the ridiculous scarf”
But today I don’t care so much
An idiot called me a “kept woman” yesterday
The same fuckwad who implied I wouldn’t be any fun in Vegas
I am learning to ignore him
My back doesn’t hurt so much anymore
Jim made the BEST baked chicken EVER Monday night
Watching the Wizard of Oz Monday night
“You’re smiling like a little kid”
I shot myself in the eye with hairspray this morning and now it’s twitching like mad but I’m not letting it get to me
In fact I am relishing the fact that it probably makes me look like a fashionably impaired serial killer/whore
A good thunderstorm last night
Watching the Daily Show on my iPhone
Using the “Bump” application on my iPhone at trade shows
Doing the chicken dance at Oktoberfest in Plano last Saturday
Willy’s lederhosen
Seeing my friend Wesley on the train this morning
Jim’s winter pajamas: Van Halen sweatpants plus his short-sleeved soft flannel woobie
Dark chocolate Reese’s peanut butter cup miniatures
Chatting with Ed at the lost & found window in Union Station again
Neil Steinberg is back in the Sun-Times today
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Loves Me Like a Rock – Paul Simon
I am reading: Twlight book 4
And I am: Twitching

GTF: Eschew the Moo Edition

The moo-cows outside my sub at Mooseheart Farm
A great week in Vegas
Not losing any money because I didn't bother with gambling
Seeing the Psychedelic Furs Tuesday night
Chicken noodle soup at 11 p.m.
The 10-minute long greeting from Grommie after being gone for three days
The new Craig Ferguson book “American on Purpose” arrived from Amazon while I was gone
The ginormous zit on my cheek has finally crusted over
Dinner with the You Know Who’s at Bliss last night
Born shoes - extremely comfortable yet cute – you can find them at DSW
My new jean jacket from Cabela’s
The smiley memories brought on by “The Ghost in You”
Watching The Daily Show on my iPhone
Realizing that I can make it through any trade show if I just stock up on Vicodin and SlimFast
Not being any skinnier, but not being any fatter, either
Southwest Airlines – they treat you like people, not cattle – plus the flight attendants are entertaining and give you extra animal crackers
Realizing that I’ve somehow managed to memorize the two-letter abbreviations for all 50 states
Wearing one of my all-time favorite fall jackets today
Calling them moo-cows as if there are certain bovines who eschew the moo
~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: The Ghost in You – Psychedelic Furs
I am reading: Twilight book 4
And I am: Tired

Whore hair

"Do you like my hair that way?"

"Yes," says Jim.

"But don't you think it makes me look like a whore?"

"Yes, that's why I like it."
~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Hurt So Good - John Cougar What'shiscamp
I am reading: Twilight 4
And I am: A little better today

GTF

Being jolted awake this morning by a sharp, unbelievably hot and stabby NEW pain in my right thigh and realizing that HEY, it could be worse.
It could be this hurty ALL THE TIME.
The beer truck that ran interference for me through a seriously orange light this morning
Understanding that calling yourself an expert is very dangerous
Being called “not fun” by someone who barely knows me
Learning this, from the Good Morning New Pain in my leg: I woke up yelling “OWOWOWOWOW” instead of swearing, which means I curse only for the benefit of others.
“Jesus meets a Democrat”
A wonderful and relatively pain-free 24 hours in Lake Geneva with the glorious You Know Whos
Borrowing Vicodin from Mrs. YKW in advance of receiving my own supply
How Mrs. YKW always makes breakfast for us on Sunday and it’s always very very very good
A full bottle of Vicodin all my own
Blue Cross/Blue Shield of Illinois, without whom all of this back-related care (esp. the Vicodin) would be cost prohibitive
Watching Jim and YKW tubing on the lake
My haircut, which I’ve decided isn’t sassy so much as just plain ol’ cute
Jim, who says it is his “charter” to make sure I’m happy and comfortable.
Cooking bacon
Exuberant kisses from Gromit the moment he realizes I’m home for the day
Coke in a glass bottle from the corner store
The neighbor’s flag at night with the light shining on it
Renewing my iTunes subscription to The Daily Show
My Eddie Bauer hooded jacket, which makes me feel like a little kid
Vicodin
Vicodin
Vicodin
~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Hallelujah – Rufus Wainwright
I am reading: Twilight – Book 4
And I am: Really, really angry

GTF

Remembering how everyone was a little bit nicer after the 9/11 attacks
The hopeful way I stand in front of the mirror admiring how an old pair of pants fits before sitting down and bloop! not quite...yet
Snow Leopard
The "Hide" feature on Facebook - to block out those really annoying 'friends'
Realizing who hasn't blocked me using the 'hide' feature by posting how much I love it
Looking forward to another raucous 24 hours in Lake Geneva this weekend
My chiropractor and my massage therapist
BioFreeze
Twilight, book three
To Kill a Mockingbird - I'd never seen it until last night - riveting
Salesforce.com
~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Morning huddle
I am reading: Twilight Book Three
And I am: Frustrated

GTF

Pausing to watch the sun rise over Mooseheart farm Wednesday morning
Soaking up the moon beams on lounge chairs last night
Waking up with Coolio’s Fantastic Voyage in my head
Recognizing where my fear of public speaking comes from
Hosting a fabulous webinar on Wednesday

Email from me to Jim early Tuesday: “I’m definitely hormonal.”
Coming home to two packages of Chips Ahoy cookies on the kitchen counter Tuesday night

Our good friends Steve & Judy – who turned a 4-hour painting project into a way more fun 1.5 hour project. Love you guys, thanks again.
The dusty-rosy sedum is starting to bloom in the garden that Judy designed for us
Finding out I’m allergic to horses, hamsters, and ham
Realizing I have Prius envy
Still no chips – I’ve totally lost the taste for them; have not managed to give up sweets yet. Yet.

Emailing about birthday/vacation plans for Jim and Mrs. You Know Who next February:
Hedy: How about this – You Know Who and I will cook for the Birthday Twins - whaddaya say, old man, you up for sporting an apron in honor of the two people we love most?
YKW: How bout you shut the fuck up.

An old couple smiling/dancing/singing along with “Cathy’s Clown” in Graham’s Chocolates on Saturday.
Dark chocolate almond bark from Graham’s Chocolates in Geneva
Chatting with Marco the jeweler from St. Charles at dinner last night - he says business is starting to pick up, another sign the economy might be in recovery
A grilled cheese sammich
Craig Ferguson
Getting this email late Thursday night: Our fearless leader has graciously decided to give us Friday afternoon off! So...please feel free to head out after 1:00.
Playing Facebook Scrabble and swearing a lot

Me: “Do you swear at work?”
Jim: “I think my office is one of the few places where you’ll hear ‘suck my dick, motherfucker’ in a status meeting.”

The douchebag with anger management issues sitting next to me on the train who tried to block someone from getting off before him. He didn’t win.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Coolio – Fantastic Voyage
I am reading: Twilight book 2
And I am: Fucking awesome

Christ vs. Krispy Kreme

Here’s what I love most about my commute: You never know when the next crazy person is gonna show up and yell at you.

Lately there’s been this small Southern-sounding white guy standing at the east side of the Adams Street Bridge yelling about Jesus.

“JESUS is the ONLY ANSWER for this COUNTRY!”

“Only JESUS can SAVE YOU from HELL and DAMNATION!”

“Y’ALL better WAKE UP and SMELL the JESUS, PEOPLE!”

Okay maybe I made up that last one, but you get the idea.

The first time he was just yelling. The second time, he was yelling AND shaking a Bible at us. I can't WAIT to see what props he’ll use this morning.

If he had any clue about this crowd, he’d pipe down and offer up a little bread and wine, Jesus-style. Then he’d have all of us stopping for an insanity-infused snack.

Anyhow.

This was entirely unintentional – I didn’t expect him to see it – but Tuesday morning when I walked by, I rolled my eyes.

Well maybe I did intend for him to see it. As you might imagine, it can be a bit of a challenge holding in that extra special brand of disgust borne from misdirected evangelical fervor.

“Don't ROLL your EYES, lady, JESUS is REAL!”

What I wanted to say: “I KNOW he’s REAL you proselytizing PRICK. You’re not doing your cause any favors by YELLING at all of these GOOD, hardworking PEOPLE so EARLY in the MORNING. How about you stop SHAKING that Bible and try READING it? Then maybe you’d KNOW that Jesus wasn’t about FEAR and VENGEANCE, but unconditional LOVE and FORGIVENESS. He didn’t NEED to YELL because he LIVED IT, ya cross-humpin’ FUCKHOLE. And HERE’S an IDEA: how about you GET A JOB. While you’re at it, SHUT THE FUCK UP, BE STILL AND KNOW I AM.”

What I say: Nothing. I laughed and kept walking.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don’t you wonder what motivates these people? Did he just hop outta bed one day and say “I’m gonna go yell at commuters for the Lord. He’d really like that.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Was "cross-humpin' fuckhole" a bit over the top? I think so. Prolly didn't help my cause.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On the west side of the same bridge - right outside Union Station - there's always a large black man yelling about Krispy Kreme donuts. He's usually got a tall stack of sweet dough-filled boxes sitting on the sidewalk next to him.

“BRING SOME KRISPY KREME DONUTS TO YOUR CO-WORKERS!”

“HOW ABOUT SOME KRISPY KREME DONUTS THIS FINE CHICAGO MORNING?”

"IGNORE THAT JESUS FREAK ACROSS THE BRIDGE AND TRY A LITTLE TASTE OF HEAVEN RIGHT HERE, BROTHERS AND SISTERS!"

Can I get an AMEN?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Coolio – Fantastic Voyage
I am reading: New Moon – The Twilight Book II
And I am: Still

GTF

The guy with the handlebar mustache reading the “Mormon Times” newspaper on the 7:22 this morning

Who knew the Mormons had so much news?

Imagining what Mormon news would be

Singing the “Good morning, good morning” song in a semi-operatic voice to Mom this morning

Jim got me one of those new ‘environmentally friendly’ (read: trendy) metal water bottles

Sunflowers growing next to a Porta-Potty along the railroad tracks

Purchased Snow Leopard last night

My literary umbrella

My jeans fit better

It’s been FOREVER since I’ve had a potato chip and I no longer miss them

Saying no to potato chips when they’re offered to me and not feeling anything like regret

Went to the Oprah show with a co-worker this week – trippy and interesting

144 people registered for my webinar next Wednesday

Two BINGOS in a row on Scrabble with Jim the IT guy this week – highest scoring game EVER

Catching up with Susan at her birthday lunch

The shed is being built today

A sassy haircut

The word ‘sassy’

Memories of our neighbor’s dog growing up – a red and white Spaniel of some sort named Sassy

Having no plans this weekend

Finally writing - and thinking about writing again

The fake palm trees in front of the Key Wester restaurant on Rt. 59

The two guys with Bibles across from me on the train now – why does this always surprise me?

The guy on the left – his Bible is very worn; the guy on the right, not so much

Pizza and movies with Tina while Jim was at the Bear’s game Saturday night

Stockholm’s with Jim last night – and the best baked potato soup on the planet

My $10, 90-minute massage at 5:30 tonight

Knowing the rule that if you’re the first person sitting in the seats upstairs on the train, that you get to put your arms towards the back of the seat

Bumping the guy next to me who obviously doesn’t know the fucking rule

Having him get a clue and move his arms to the forward, more uncomfortable position

The movie Gran Torino

Going to pick out invitations for my mother-in-law’s 80^th birthday party tomorrow

The smell of popcorn in Union Station reminds me of going to the Kmart on Groesbeck in Mt. Clemens with Mom and Grandma

The saxophone guy outside Union Station playing ‘Careless Whisper’

This dingbat at the Lost & Found window in Union Station: “Hi. I lost a small black umbrella on the train yesterday….”

Ed at the ticket window in Union Station:

“Two hundred dollars…and 60 cents for a ten-ride and a monthly.”

“Ugh…all I have is $200,” says me.

“You can owe me,” he says. “Now you’re not going to lose any sleep over this are ya,? I only did it because of your peace necklace…I’m old enough to remember when that actually meant something.”

Using this to remember all the good things in my head: Popcorn saxophone umbrellas tickets shake a leg

~~~~~~~~~~

I am listening to: A conference call with Magento

I am reading: Twilight book 1

And I am: Peaceful

Rainbrellas

You can tell a lot about a person by the umbrella they use.

For example, there’s a smallish gray-haired woman standing outside the train below me right now and she’s holding an umbrella that looks like a giant sunflower. We could assume she has a relatively sunny disposition about life and/or she’s a gardener.

Of course there are folks who don’t pay attention to these things and perhaps that umbrella was a gift, in which case she could be a crazy bitch from hell who would happily stab you in the forehead with her cheerful yellow parasol.

You decide.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You see a lot of ginormous corporate golf umbrellas on rainy mornings in the Loop.

They’re pretty much portable patio-type umbrellas that could easily keep dry a family of four, two dogs, and one cranky aunt. They take up the entire sidewalk - these umbrellas from UBS and Northwestern University and Bank of America – typically protecting white-haired, unsmiling men who are completely oblivious to the wide swath they cut. This is how I see them in the office – powerful, yet profoundly unhappy guys, completely unaware of their impact on the world and only concerned with keeping themselves warm and dry.

Oh, here comes a guy right now under a giant Deutsche Bank umbrella. Deutsche Bank always makes me think Douche Bag for some reason.

Moving on, there are leopard print umbrellas and ladybug umbrellas and bright pink umbrellas - all cheerful anachronisms in this otherwise gloomy day. These small, fashionable parasol-type umbrellas are usually carried by small, fashionable women – both of which are completely fucking worthless in brutal Chicago weather.

There are the classic wood-handled umbrellas in various colors. People under these are more smiley than usual.

There was a woman carrying a red umbrella with a small plastic ketchup bottle on top right where the point would be on a regular umbrella – I’m assuming it was a promotional giveaway for Heinz or one of those other inferior brands but didn’t see the logo.

Of course, most people use small black umbrellas. They are anonymous, cheap, and temporary yet functional.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Met Susan for a birthday lunch today and she has a fantastic umbrella with fashionable French ladies on it. She says it reminds her of her time in Paris.

Very cool.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
umbrella
noun
1 they huddled under the umbrella parasol, sunshade.
2 the groups worked under the umbrella of the Communist Party aegis, auspices, patronage, protection, guardianship, support, backing, agency, guidance, care, charge, responsibility, cover.

(Apple Thesaurus)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In French, umbrella is parapluie. It’s pronounced just like it looks. This makes me inexplicably happy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
para- 2 |ˈparə|
combining form
denoting something that protects or wards off : parachute | parasol.

(Apple Dictionary)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parasol = protects + sun
Parapluie = protects + rain
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just saw a HUGE man carrying a small black umbrella covered with pink breast cancer ribbons.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the 90's, when I lived in my all-time favorite apartment in Geneva, I’d babysit the kids across the street once in a while.

The mother was Susan. The father was Scott. They are probably divorced now, mostly because they didn’t seem all that happy ever and also because Scott hit on me one night when his wife was at class getting another degree that she probably wouldn’t use.

Anyhow.

Their oldest daughter – Mariah, who was rather bratty due to lack of parental attention – called them rainbrellas.

This is another thing that makes me inexplicably happy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What kind of umbrella do YOU use, Hedy?

It’s pretty much as you’d expect: A real, classic-sized umbrella. Not huge. Not tiny. Sturdy. Black. With a large silverish hook for a handle. Heavy canvas material. And literary quotes in soft gray text all over it.

To be or not to be. Call me Ishmael. Oz, the Great and Terrible. You get the picture.

If I were Oprah, it would be one of my very Favorite Things.

What does my umbrella say about me? I’m sturdy. Thinky. Perhaps a little pretentious at times but chubby-cute to compensate for it. And I like things that last.

Or.

It could say that I was caught in a veritable downpour last summer prior to lunch with a friend and popped into the only store – a Barnes & Noble – on the off chance they’d have an umbrella.

You decide.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: KT Tunstall – Suddenly I See
I am reading: Twilight book 1
And I am: Soaked from the knees down

It's a legitimate question

Posted on Facebook yesterday morning:

"Heather is going to see OPRAH today! Thanks so much Kathleen...can't wait!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Voicemail from Mom yesterday afternoon:

"Hello my little cupcake. i got a call from Aunt Sharon asking if you're going to be on the Oprah show today. I didn't know this. Let me know what day it's going to air. We were laughing - we didn't know if you were in the audience or a guest."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Valkyrie
I am reading: Twilight
And I am: Not a guest

Get off my lawn: fantasy vs. reality

"If we'd known you were sending Poncho Villa over to do the work, we never would've hired you," says the husband.

“What?” asks Mike the Painter.

“Mexicans,” says the wife. “Everybody knows they steal.”

Mike stopped by yesterday afternoon to drop off color samples from when he painted our house two years ago – Jim, who is usually pretty tenacious about this stuff – never wrote them down and we’re painting the shed this weekend.

That’s when Mike told us about our fuck-nut neighbors two doors down, whose house his team painted earlier this summer.

“What did you say? How did you respond?” I asked.

“What could I say? The job was done. And you can’t argue with that kind of ignorance.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

You should know these neighbors already weren't well-liked for a variety of ‘get off my lawn’ type of run-ins over the years. But still, this recent bit of news came as a shock to both of us. It’s one thing to be an asshole. It’s another to be a racist asshole.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Later that night, we watched Gran Torino – a movie I did not expect to like because of every other Clint Eastwood movie I’ve seen.

But it was good. Very good.

“So why was it kinda funny when Clint Eastwood's character did it but not so funny when it’s our neighbors?”

That was me on the drive to the train this morning.

“Because that’s just how his character was,” says Jim. “He wasn’t really being negative to them, it’s how he was raised.”

“But he called them ‘slope’ and ‘zipperhead’,” I say. “That wasn’t very nice.”

“That’s from being in the war,” says Jim. “And he was old. It’s like my parents calling black people ‘coloreds’, they weren’t being racist, it’s just what they were called then. The bottom line is, our neighbors have no excuse. They’re not that old.”

Or maybe it’s because Clint Eastwood’s character in Gran Torino was infinitely more likable than our fuck-nut neighbors.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Editorial note: Jesus I’m rusty. Not writing every day has taken its toll and this is way more rough than it should be. Still, it’s something.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am listening to: Office sounds

I am reading: Twilight

And I am: Thinking

GTF

According to Blogger I'm at 800 posts, so yay
A fantastic date last night including a loooong walk along Lake Michigan
Talking about trips to Rome to see where the Pope hangs his hat, Sydney to meet Bec finally and Bangkok to see Nelson
Loving the fact that Jim wants to go visit Nelson as much as I do
Having dreams in which I'm making better decisions
Saw an ear-nose-throat guy this week to hopefully help with these nasty sinus infections
“Take Your Cheese to Work” day sponsored by Mini Babybel - handing out little round cheeses at Union Station
The shed is coming one week from today
Arriving in the office this morning to discover I had multiple large bats in the cave - sexy!
Being kinda quiet/sad this week and being absolutely okay with it
The ability to search for songs on my iPhone
Watching classic movies with Jim: On the Waterfront and Cape Fear
Marlon Brando was a freak and Gregory Peck punches like a girl
The Twilight series of books – I’m in book 1 and it’s fabulous
The gracious co-worker who got me started on the Twilight series and loaned me the first three books
Jim is going to the Bears game tomorrow and I have a quiet night at home with Grommie, the Twilight books, and Facebook Scrabble
Living on a budget with no cab rides this week
It's payday - a concept I have not been terribly cognizant of since we got married and Jim took over our finances
Jason, the amazing massage therapist at my chiropractor’s office
Blue Cross/Blue Shield: $20 co-pay for a 90-minute massage (I’m going every week)
Working on my marketing plan/budget for 2010 – ahead of schedule
smcFanControl for my MacBook - puts me in control and cools it down nicely
The way we use words from previous Facebook Scrabble games to name new ones – right now I’m in the middle of ‘Mittens’ with Nelson and ‘Phat Dope’ with Jim the IT guy
A fun Saturday with Jim’s family, especially our two nephews Logan and Donovan
A nap on the porch with the little guy Donovan
Not needing to know all the answers so much anymore
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: If I Ever Feel Better - Phoenix
I am reading: Twilight, book 1
And I am: Kinda sad

The signal

"There was a large woman in a small car next to me today. She had a ginormous, open box of Tampax sitting in her rear window."

"It's a signal," says Jim. "It says 'Watch out, I'm bleeding.'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am listening to: Body of Lies

I am reading: Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

And I am: Still laughing

GTF

My Official Route 25 Parking Pass!
An unexpected evening with friends and the Kane County Cougars
Receiving the honor of the very first shot from a fresh bottle of Gentleman Jack
Sitting in my car finishing a glass of water because I’m not stressed about missing the train because of my Official Route 25 Parking Pass
My new toothbrush: The Colgate 360. It’s got this rough, rubbery surface on the back of the brush that massages the inside of my mouth and it feels surprisingly gooooood
They’re pouring concrete for the new shed today
Niko’s Lodge in Wasco – fabulous food and great service, plus fire pits out front and s’more supplies inside the door
Seeing three shooting stars through the sun roof on the way home from dinner
Jim, Grom and me, lying on lawn chairs in the backyard looking for more shooting stars
Arguing with Jim and then laughing together right after
Gomez – See the World
Sha la la la la la - sha la la la la la - sha la la la la la
The best sweet corn on the planet from that farm stand on Bliss Road
Writing a presentation abstract that got (tentatively) accepted for the Internet Retailer conference in Chicago next year
My friend Susan’s Soon-to-be-Famous Chocolate Polka Dot cookies sold out her first Saturday at the Batavia farmer’s market
Eating almost an entire bag of Susan’s Soon-to-be-Famous Chocolate Polka Dot cookies because I ‘don’t want them to melt’ - as if I need that excuse.
Wonderful, lovely pottery bought with Judy at the Art/Fart in Your Eye Festival
Did I mention my new Route 25 Parking Pass?
A message from an ex co-worker on Facebook that totally made my day
“You can’t fight crazy”
Finding my new haircut in this month’s Real Simple magazine
Feeling better finally
Coming to the realization that Cheez-Its are NOT crackers
Still, no chips or other salty crunchy snacks for what is it, 7 weeks now? That’s gotta count for something.
Blue Cross/Blue Shield: $16 for an adjustment and a 90-minute massage with the loveable sadist Jason at my chiropractor’s office
“You losing weight? I can see it in your face.”
Understanding how unbelievably blessed I am more and more every day
~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Gomez – See the World
I am reading: Content for the new web site
And I am: Blessed

GTF

Here goes:

11 years married and he still makes me laugh every day

This silly table planter to the left which I've managed to keep alive most of the summer

Busy, busy work week in spite of having the third sinus infection in as many months

Pouring concrete for a shed this Monday

No crunchy-salty-chippy snacks for six weeks now (we'll just ignore the pretzel incident from last week, shall we?)

New case for the iPhone

"Ryan update?"

A Bingo on FB Scrabble - "Mittens"

It finally feels sorta like summer outside

Realizing that I actually do need quite a bit of alone time in order to be creative and that the lesson which posed the opposite from charm school was, in fact, utter bullshit

Still being able to have a fun, interesting conversation with your husband after knowing him nearly 20 years

"They don't have the kind of super duper tampons I was looking for."

"There's a fresh bucket of shop rags in the garage."

The FAQs on Stephen King's web site make him sound like a total douchebag

Ken Follett knows how the hell to host a fan page, so suck it, Stephen King

The "And the Pursuit of Happiness" blog at the New York Times - LOVE IT

Taking pics of Jim & Grom with my 'good' camera

Okay, folks. The reality is I'm exhausted. I haven't slept more than 1 or 2 hours each night all week. I'm up right now again because of this fucking miserable sinus infection and all I want/need/crave is some fucking SLEEP. This is not a good thing. It's a What The Fuck thing.

Sitting on the porch watching the mosquitos bombard the screen above Jim's head

Oberweis chocolate ice cream in a bowl, nothing more, nothing less

Working from home in my 'office' upstairs instead of on the couch - Jim calls it my fort

Going to The Art in Your Eye Festival this Saturday with Judy - we call it the Fart in Your Eye Festival because of a poorly designed sign

Susan's delicious cookies at the Batavia Farmer's Market Saturday morning - go get 'em!

Filed/painted my nails tonight

Have an appointment with an ENT specialist in two weeks

Debating paranoid morons on Facebook

P's are definitely coming back this month - YAY!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am listening to: Middle of the night house sounds

I am reading: Nothing interesting

And I am: Exhausted

So really

Now, on top of everyone starting sentences with "So...." (17 times in less than 10 minutes during a meeting this week, seriously) I've noticed this other trendy bullshit thing: Really?

Trendy hipsters use "Really?" as a kinder gentler version of "You are so full of shit."

I thought it was just a midwestern thing until it happened in The Hangover last night.

Which is an excellent movie, by the way - right on par with Schindler's List - but it takes place in Vegas with drugs and strippers and whathaveyou.

Anyhow, good things Friday. Yep.

I am cranky today. But I will forge ahead as if my hormones aren't raging like the snows of Capistrano or something.

Here goes:

Going out for a movie with Jim for the first time in over a year.

The Hangover - "I didn't know they gave rings out at the Holocaust"

A quiet day last Sunday - just Jim, Grom and me hanging by the pool all day - can't remember the last time we did that, just us

Pilates on Tuesday

Mom & Da are coming back in August

Work is going exceptionally well - so much is happening it's hard to keep up and I love it

Jim making me laugh on the way to the train this morning even though I didn't feel like it

5 weeks without snack foods - although I broke down and had three pretzels last night so I guess it really hasn't been 5 weeks but fuck you I'm fixin' to bleed and if I WANT TO HAVE A GODDAMN PRETZEL I WILL GODAMMIT.

Sigh

Got my teeth cleaned this week

Went to the chiropractor too

My soap order arrived from Crabtree & Evelyn (my skin is soooo soft again this morning)

Two white rocking chairs make the front porch look very homey

Assembling said rocking chairs with Jim in the garage last Sunday - we're a good team

Sitting on said rocking chairs with Jim night before last and marveling at the amount of traffic passing by

Road the bus/El all week - only one cab ride for a lunch in the Loop

Playing Scrabble with Nelson and Jim the IT guy via my iPhone (yes, we're still playing)

My new favorite word: ITard (An IT guy who is not very bright)

I'm staying overnight in the city tonight and thinking about going to the Apple store on Michigan avenue to treat myself to a new smallish something

I opened up a separate bank account for myself so that I can live off of an allowance rather than just spending money willy-nilly and wreaking havoc on our finances (yes, this is a very good thing)

So maybe I won't treat myself to a smallish something now that I'm on a budget

Or maybe I'll just use my old debit card One Last Time since the new one hasn't arrived yet

Seeing Susan on the train last night

Knowing my husband and all of our friends will be having a fantastic, fun-filled weekend while I'm sitting in class Friday night, all day Saturday and all day Sunday

Okay this is not a good thing at all (and an ancillary reason for my crankiness) but I'd like to think everyone will miss me

Bleh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am listening to: Quiet, quiet office

I am reading: Presentations abstracts for IRCE 2010

And I am: CRANKY

Good Things Friday

My friend Mrs. You Know Who asked "Where's good things Friday?"

So here I am

Fabulous, amazing wonderful 10-day visit with my parents - LOVE THEM

Four weeks tomorrow no chips

Giving up sweets tomorrow for good - wish me luck - this could get ugly

Met Jennifer the massage therapy student on the bus Wednesday morning

Dinner at the You Know Who's Wednesday night, figuring out the Big 50th Birthday Trip

"You're doing it wrong"

Scrabble on my iPhone with Jim the IT guy and Nelson!

Birthday festivities for Corbin last night - a lovely, wonderful evening (plus cake)

Michael Jackson music

I LOVE MY JOB - even though it's keeping me insanely busy

The Dow was up over 9k

What goes around definitely comes around - I have an amazing update on The Turd that I will share next week.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am listening to: Michael Jackson - Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough

I am reading: Nothing much

And I am: Fabulous

Happy scrappy fuckity-foo-foo-Friday

Mom & Da are here at least through the weekend and I haven’t spent this much time with them since I moved to Illinois 20 years ago.
The Toyota Prius ads with all the people in the landscape make me inexplicably happy.
Crabtree & Evelyn Nantucket Briar soap makes my skin sooooo soft.
The truck pull last night and the Megasauraus, which ate a car and then set it on fire.
Being called the “Titty Lady” by a bum outside my office.
No potato chips, Doritos or Tostitos for three weeks tomorrow.
President Obama’s speech to the NAACP.
Not living on Facebook so much anymore.
Playing Scrabble with Jim the IT guy via my iPhone.
Oberweis turtle sundaes with butter pecan ice cream.
The ‘slut slippers’ Mom and me bought at the Batavia craft fair last weekend.
Jim’s beer can chicken.
Not reading the news as much as I used to.
You can tell the really hardcore Christians because the crosses around their necks always feature the not-so-Cuddly-Wuddly, but Skinny and Suffering Christ.
My IRA is finally moving in the right direction by a healthy, satisfying amount - hasn’t done that since I can remember.
The chunky yet elegant bracelet Mom made – I’ve worn it two days in a row – my new favorite.
My new shampoo (Leonor Greyl) smells incredible and doesn’t require conditioner.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HedyBlog Mini Quiz:

Which group of words appeals to you more?

Open, creative, progressive, diverse, free.

Exclusive, traditional, consistent, classic, secure.

Just curious.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Talk Dirty to Me – Poison
I am reading: Nothing much
And I am: Thinky

Good things Friday

Mom & Da ARE HERE! YAY!
I have no idea where this week went - work is so amazingly cool/busy/crazy I haven't felt this energized about what I do in years.
Two weeks since I've had chips, Cheetos or Tostitos. Yay, me.
FABULOUS Fourth of July weekend
Swimming in Lake Geneva
Peeing in Lake Geneva
Mine's behavin'
Went to The Bristol Tap last night and somehow resisted the chips that always accompany the best burger on the planet.
Eating Quaker Oatmeal for breakfast - the cinnamon swirl is best
I need to write a 500 word article for the Illinois Technology Association by noon and I don't even have a topic yet.
Okay maybe that's not a good thing but it's on my mind.
Pilates on Tuesday kicked my ass.
The window washer who fell three stories down the building across the street yesterday is okay.
Seeing the 20 or so firefighters who gathered to rescue the window washer hanging from the side of the building across the street.
Dole Pina Colada juice is outstanding. Especially with Capt. Morgan. Try it.
My creative guy is finally back from Disney World.
Megan at the Kinko's in Aurora is a rockstar - the sign she made for my show in San Diego is fabulous.
Mom made her world famous potato salad for the little dinner gathering we're having tonight.
I had an excellent dream last night about telling off my cousin and his C-U-Next-Tuesday wife - it was extremely healing.
Talking with Mom on the porch.
The User Experience Assessment we did for a hardware store chain in Canada was a big hit.
Watching Penn & Teller's Bullshit show with Mom, Da & Jim last night.
"I feel like we got a lot of decisions made in this meeting."
Going to the grocery store with Da.
San Pellegrino Aranciata is delicious
Mom's Navy cake
My boss might actually have some billable work for me on a writing project for a client.
Judy's gonna be a gramma again - YAYYYYY!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm listening to: INXS - Don't Change (BEST SONG EVAR)
I am reading: Nothing
And I am: Happy

The fairy tale me

There’s a mirror in the foyer that Jim gave me for Christmas many years ago.

It’s smallish and round with a dark metal frame shaped like flowers and leaves. Pretty, but not too girly-girly. Like something from a fairy tale with a princess and an ugly cruel stepmother with a big hairy wart that smells like bad cheese. Just the wart, not the whole stepmother.

Anyhow.

It’s a skinny mirror – you know the ones – it magically makes me look at least 10 lbs. lighter.

I don’t even know why I look in it, really. It’s not a true reflection of reality.

Maybe I look because it gives me a glimpse of what could be.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You've probably noticed I’m not writing any more. I’m pretty pissed off about it.

Because of charm school, I’ve lost the part of myself that liked this – writing and ranting and having fun with words.

Here’s hoping it comes back someday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Not a huge fan of the word foyer, by the way. Especially snooty-falooty people who say it like ‘foy-A’.

These are the same folks who pronounce vase like ‘vaaaz’.

As in ‘The vaaaz in the foy-A is filled with juicy wet dog boogers.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So back to this mirror.

Love love loved fairy tales as a child. Hell, I still love ‘em.

And I’ve read a lot of them, but don’t ever recall a story like this:

What if, Once Upon a Time there was a mirror that could show you the best version of yourself?

The what-could’ve-been version who made better decisions and didn’t eat entire bags of Ruffles Sour Cream & Cheddar chips in one sitting?

Wouldn’t that be cool?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fairy tale (also fairy story)
noun
a children's story about magical and imaginary beings and lands.
• [as adj. ] denoting something regarded as resembling a fairy story in being magical, idealized, or extremely happy : a fairy-tale romance.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The point is, because of charm school I am catching glimpses of this slightly better, fairy tale version of myself.

It’s kinda cool when it isn’t scaring the living shit out of me.

Because this new Hedy is more sociable. Has more energy. Is more conscious and aware. Is eating less. Doing more. Is more compassionate. And less temperamental.

However.

It’s coming at a price and I am seriously mourning the old version of myself. The version that liked hanging out here with you and ranting about silly shit.

Furthermore, if you’ve ever read the really old, non-Disney fairy tales, you know they're often scary and bloody and not all of them have happy endings.

So right now, the fairy tale version of me is wandering around in the woods, ate all of her fucking breadcrumbs miles ago, and is hoping that her fairy godmother will arrive - POOF - soon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Green Day - Basket Case
I am reading: Nothing much
And I am: Reflective

Good things Friday

Slow news week, eh? Here’s when I turned off the TV:

“Dame Elizabeth Taylor has released a statement saying she can’t release a statement at this time.”

I can't be the only one who knew Michael Jackson would die early. He was a tortured, unhealthy soul and here's hoping he's finally at peace.

Here’s good things Friday:

Texting Jim about Michael Jackson yesterday:
Jim: “I wonder how he died.”
Me: “Who nose?”

Mudbone, sitting next to me on the train this morning: “I used to bleach myself,” he says. “They used to sell it down South. That bleaching agent was poplar.”

Jim texting me Richard Pryor quotes from Boston all morning (And I’m prayin’ to God I ain’t gotta kiss nothin’.)

The Grandfather from Heidi (Shirley Temple version) sitting next to me on the train last night, talking dirty to his spouse: “You keep feeling better like this, Sweetie, and tomorrow maybe we can make noises.”

This e-mail exchange from early yesterday:

To: Jim, You Know Who, Mrs. You Know Who
From: Hedy

Farrah Fawcett was only two years younger than my mom. There’s a joke in there somewhere.

To: Jim, Mrs. You Know Who, Hedy
From: You Know Who

Unlike Farrah’s, I still have the swimsuit/nipple poster of your mom in my room.

Another fabulous weekend visit with Nelson, Kyra, and Chad.
A fabulous but way-too-quick visit with Susie and her family.
Shopping at the Little Traveler with Suze on a Monday afternoon.
Impromptu post-charm school drinks with Jim, Corb & Debbie at the Caboose bar in Geneva
“Sticky tits”
Realizing that saying yes increases my energy
Swimming at night with Grommie and the stars
A text just now from Kathleen, our recruiting goddess: “You in the office yet? Feel like going to the Cubs/Sox game today?”
Going to the Cubs/Sox game on a beautiful Friday afternoon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Mudbone yapping into his phone
I am reading: Nothing
And I am: Smiley

Word peeve

Got an e-mail just now from the Business Network Chicago:

"IF you are in transition, here are a couple of good people to follow on Twitter..."

In transition?

What a lovely way of saying out of work and couch-bound with one orange-fingered hand in a bag of Crunchy Cheetos and the other flipping channels between Oprah Winfrey and soft core porn.
~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Co-workers discussing BBQ stuff
I am reading: Nothing
And I am: Not in transition

Today

Susie and family arrive within the hour, but thought I'd share this amazing 'JesusPhone' story with you (it's a long read, but so worth it):

http://happywaffle.livejournal.com/5890.html

I have more thoughts on this - thankfully the thief wasn't armed/dangerous/insane - but we'll revisit this topic another day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am listening to: Birds chirping from the side yard

I am reading:  Nothing at the moment

And I am:  Looking forward to another hot summer day with good friends from far away

Good things Friday

A great weekend with Nelson
Looking forward to another great weekend with Nelson, Kyra and Chad
Two graduation parties on Saturday
It's not raining right now
Fuck You Tuesday helped me get angry again
Yesterday was my one-year anniversary in the melty chocolate chip job and the team brought in donuts, plus the recruiting director sent me a wonderful e-mail
Chick dinner with Mrs. You Know Who and YKW's sister Wednesday night
Working on a strategic planning project
Eligible for 401k now
A few good leads from the Chicagoland Chamber breakfast yesterday
Ran into my old editor from the Daily Herald at the breakfast - he's got a great gig in PR now
The house is relatively clean
The flowers are growing like mad
Cut the backyard last night
Downloaded the iPhone 3.0 OS upgrade - it's considerably faster, and now I can cut/paste and search
Found out The Turd (remember him?) was fired, and the person who took over (someone I worked with briefly there - long story) wants to meet and talk about my original marketing plan/strategy
I am wearing pants that didn't fit a month ago
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Muted office conversations
I am reading: Four Seasons: The Story of a Business Philosophy by Isadore Sharp
And I am: Sorta giggly reading all that old Turd stuff

Shit-pants

Through an informal and ongoing survey, I have learned that practically everyone I know has shit his or her pants as an adult.

Yes. Everyone.

Except me.

I’m still waiting. This makes me nervous. Extremely nervous.

Because when nearly everyone you know has shit themselves, it’s not good being the odd person out. It’s not normal. It means that I’m overdue.

Hedy, you’re telling us that you actually want to shit your pants?

YES!

Seriously. It’s like the first time I dropped my motorcycle.

I was making a left turn from Route 31 onto Mooseheart Road and didn’t accelerate enough so the bike stalled and fell over. I wasn’t hurt – I let it fall and kept standing. But in addition to that rush of OHFUCKWHATNOW adrenaline and a bit of fear about causing an accident at this busy intersection, I actually felt relieved.

“Well, I got that over with,” I remember thinking. “I knew it was going to happen, now it has and I don’t have to worry about it.”

That’s how I feel about shitting my pants. I really just want to get it over with.

I want to be like everyone else.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Combos,” says one shit-pants friend of mine who shall remain anonymous. “Eat a bag of Combos. That’s what did it for me.”

That would be cheating. You can’t force yourself to shit your pants anymore than you can force yourself to drop a bike or laugh at something that isn’t funny.

It just has to happen. Spontaneously. Uncontrollably. Often publicly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Best case scenario:

It’s a Friday night out with all of our friends – drinking and eating and laughing and laughing and eating and drinking.

I’m all stuffed and smiley-faced.

Someone I know and love does or says something that is just bust-a-gut hilarious and Voila! I laugh so hard I fill my pants.

That's how it should happen for all of us desperate skid-free folks waiting for the inevitable - in the company of our very own shit-pants support group.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Nothing
I am reading: Yield Software Getting Started Guide
And I am: Anxiously waiting