"Your uterus is inflamed."
That was my chiropractor this morning, jabbing tiny needles into my ears.
"Your ears are a road map to your whole body," he continues. "And yours are saying inflamed uterus."
It was a morning for human maintenance: A visit to my regular doc for the annual girlie check-up. And then to the chiropractor for some much-needed bone crunchery.
My regular doctor had, shall we say, first-hand knowledge of the whole uterus situation but didn't mention inflammation. She recommended blood tests for irregularities that she wouldn't have known about if I hadn't told her.
But my chiropractor - who rightfully has never seen me in anything less than head-to-toe hospital scrubs - somehow knows about the uterus en fuego situation.
I had a mini-proud moment with the regular doctor.
"Your HPV test came back negative so you're on the three year plan for Paps," she says.
"Is HPV common?" I ask, proud of my HPV-free status, but wanting more.
"Yes," she says. "Very."
There's nothing quite like a squeaky clean coochie to make you feel extra-special-good about yourself.
"Accupuncture will help," says my chiropractor. "It'll straighten out this hormone issue."
I like my regular doctor. She's smart and practical.
But I love love love my chiropractor. When no one else can fix me, he can.
I lost count on the needles. Three in each foot. One in each ankle. Four in my stomach. I don't know how many in each hand. Plus the ears.
After about 15 minutes on the table, you begin to feel...flattened out. That's the best way to describe it. Flat and smoothed out and mellow. Extremely mellow.
"Go ahead, say it, she's your real doctor."
That was my chiropractor again.
"I never said that," I say, defending myself. "She's my regular doctor. You're my real doctor."
My regular doctor recommended one needle - drawing blood.
My real doctor recommended dozens of needles and somehow I know he's on the right track.
I am listening to: The washer winding up in the spin cycle
I am reading: Happy Trotter - Book 4
And I am: Relaxed
2 hours ago