Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Christ vs. Krispy Kreme

Here’s what I love most about my commute: You never know when the next crazy person is gonna show up and yell at you.

Lately there’s been this small Southern-sounding white guy standing at the east side of the Adams Street Bridge yelling about Jesus.

“JESUS is the ONLY ANSWER for this COUNTRY!”

“Only JESUS can SAVE YOU from HELL and DAMNATION!”

“Y’ALL better WAKE UP and SMELL the JESUS, PEOPLE!”

Okay maybe I made up that last one, but you get the idea.

The first time he was just yelling. The second time, he was yelling AND shaking a Bible at us. I can't WAIT to see what props he’ll use this morning.

If he had any clue about this crowd, he’d pipe down and offer up a little bread and wine, Jesus-style. Then he’d have all of us stopping for an insanity-infused snack.

Anyhow.

This was entirely unintentional – I didn’t expect him to see it – but Tuesday morning when I walked by, I rolled my eyes.

Well maybe I did intend for him to see it. As you might imagine, it can be a bit of a challenge holding in that extra special brand of disgust borne from misdirected evangelical fervor.

“Don't ROLL your EYES, lady, JESUS is REAL!”

What I wanted to say: “I KNOW he’s REAL you proselytizing PRICK. You’re not doing your cause any favors by YELLING at all of these GOOD, hardworking PEOPLE so EARLY in the MORNING. How about you stop SHAKING that Bible and try READING it? Then maybe you’d KNOW that Jesus wasn’t about FEAR and VENGEANCE, but unconditional LOVE and FORGIVENESS. He didn’t NEED to YELL because he LIVED IT, ya cross-humpin’ FUCKHOLE. And HERE’S an IDEA: how about you GET A JOB. While you’re at it, SHUT THE FUCK UP, BE STILL AND KNOW I AM.”

What I say: Nothing. I laughed and kept walking.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don’t you wonder what motivates these people? Did he just hop outta bed one day and say “I’m gonna go yell at commuters for the Lord. He’d really like that.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Was "cross-humpin' fuckhole" a bit over the top? I think so. Prolly didn't help my cause.
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On the west side of the same bridge - right outside Union Station - there's always a large black man yelling about Krispy Kreme donuts. He's usually got a tall stack of sweet dough-filled boxes sitting on the sidewalk next to him.

“BRING SOME KRISPY KREME DONUTS TO YOUR CO-WORKERS!”

“HOW ABOUT SOME KRISPY KREME DONUTS THIS FINE CHICAGO MORNING?”

"IGNORE THAT JESUS FREAK ACROSS THE BRIDGE AND TRY A LITTLE TASTE OF HEAVEN RIGHT HERE, BROTHERS AND SISTERS!"

Can I get an AMEN?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Coolio – Fantastic Voyage
I am reading: New Moon – The Twilight Book II
And I am: Still

7 comments:

Susan's Snippets said...

Hedy -

I am so glad that you wrote about that nut job, because I was thisclose to writing about him myself....although, you, Hedy dear, say it far better, conveying a much more precise mental image, than I ever could!!

hang him on a cross of wood

Posol'stvo the Medved said...

"JESUS is REAL"

I don't even know what that means.

Sorry.

Anonymous said...

This made me laugh. I just love you.
Mom

Hedy said...

Hey Pos - To me "Jesus is real" means that he existed and had an influence on our culture/society whether he intended it or not. The more appropriate phrasing probably would be "Jesus was real" but am I going to quibble with a nutjob? Prolly not.

Anonymous said...

Jesus is Lassie. Lassie saves! He saves those who fall in the well and he died for our... oh wait I forgot... I converted to Hindu when Lassie died...

I am boundless space
The World is a clay pot

Bhagavad Grommie

molly gras said...

OK -- Grommie's comment made me laugh this morning!

*that dog of yours cracks me up!!*

CRUSTYBEEF said...

who knew the difference of Heaven and Hell was just steps away, across the street from one another.