Wednesday, September 27, 2006


So what’s with the “I won’t share my fries” thing from a few blogs back, Hedy?

Ah, yes.

I’m not big on sharing food.

And not because of the Bad Case of Mono whose ill effects still plague me today.

I just don’t like sharing food.

I want to order something. And I want to eat it.

I don’t want to have anxiety over the fact that I might be taking more than my share. I don’t want to worry about double dipping, as I am wont to do.

And I don’t want to see a perfectly good chicken finger go cold because everyone at the table is too fucking polite to take the last one.

Hey, maybe I’m nuts, but I’m just saying what you’ve thought.
Jim says I have issues when it comes to food.

He’s right.

Here they are, in no particular order:

Hedy’s Food Rules

Does not like eating out of baskets lined with paper
Does not like eating out of divided cafeteria-style plates or trays
Does not like buffets
Does not like eating anything off of a bone (keep your snide comments to yourself please)
Does not like sharing food, especially desserts (see Dessert Corollaries)
Most of my main food rules are due to germs.

When I get something in a basket lined with paper I wonder when the basket was washed last.

Buffets have sneeze guards. The fact that they have sneeze guards gets me thinking about germs and consequently grosses me out completely. Plus, people are touching God knows what and then touching the serving spoons and ladles, which I have to touch to get the food on my plate. Ick.

What about Brazilian steakhouses? Gross. Gaucho guys sashaying around the room with their meat hanging out – walking through who knows how many sneezes and farts and whatever else might be hanging in the air. Double ick.

And don’t even get me started on tapas restaurants. Triple ickety ick ick ick.
Of course there are exceptions to these rules.

I am willing to share things that I do not like – pickles are a great example. I do not like pickles on my hamburger, so I am perfectly happy to part with the pickles on my plate.

My favorite place to eat in the whole world – The Bristol Tap – serves its world famous hamburgers in baskets lined with paper. I’m okay with that. I don’t know why.

Sushi is “clean” food and therefore not germy; I do not have an issue sharing it because there’s usually too much anyway.

Portillo’s ribs are the only food I will tolerate involving bones. Although I insist on eating them with a fork and knife. More on the bone-related issue later.

And two Sundays ago, I experienced what might be considered the Perfect Storm of Food Issues: A shared appetizer of chicken wings piled on a paper-lined tray. I didn’t give it one thought because we were having so much fun with our dear friends Steve and Judy at Yak-zies on Clark after a Cubs game.
What’s the deal with the divided plate thing? How is that germ related?

It’s not.

This is America and I don’t like being controlled.

Divided plates just scream “Segregation!” and “Communism!”

I want my food to be free to mix together as God and the Constitution intended.
“If Jesus was an appetizer, he’d be stuffed mushrooms.” - Andrew, at dinner Saturday night
Hedy’s Dessert Corollaries

Does not like desserts involving bread or rice
Fruit is not dessert, it’s fruit
Bread with fruit in it is not dessert, it’s bread with fruit in it
Desserts, whenever possible, should be chocolate
Cake, whenever possible, should be chocolate
Cake, whenever possible, should be accompanied by ice cream
Ice cream, whenever possible, should be chocolate
Popsicles are the poor man’s ice cream
Soft serve is not ice cream and should be avoided At All Costs except when involved with an Extra Extra Heath Blizzard from Dairy Queen
White chocolate is blasphemy
Chocolate mousse should be made from only dark chocolate
Pudding is a poor man’s mousse
All meals should have dessert, including breakfast
And it’s worth a reminder: Desserts Are Not To Be Shared
Now you might be thinking “Hedy, you are completely nuts.”

Sorta. But I like nuts. So it’s okay.

Except when they’re mixed nuts. I HATE mixed nuts. Add that to the list.

Mostly because the taste of the good nuts (cashews, peanuts) invariably gets mingled with the taste of the Evil Nuts (almonds, pecans.)

But also because it’s simply too much work trying to pick out the nuts I like.
Which reminds me: I don’t like eating things off of a bone for two reasons.

1) It’s too much work
2) I don’t like being reminded from whence the food came.

Maybe I am a little snooty when it comes to this, but the good lord invented forks and knives for a reason. So that I wouldn’t have to rip meat from a bone with my teeth. I like using a fork and knife. It keeps my hands clean (and that’s a topic for another day.)

Plus, bones are little reminders that what I’m eating was once an animal – something that was living and breathing and maybe even loved by someone for a while.

I like my food to look like food, not what it was before it came to the plate.

For these reasons, I do not like crab or lobster or any of those other ugly crustaceans. Of course it is highly unlikely that someone actually loved a lobster.

And now we’re back to the whole Hitler thing I have going with things that I perceive are ugly.

Nuts, eh?

While we’re back on nuts, I like pistachios.

But they’re too much work.
I am listening to: The soft slow noises of the train
I am reading: The Birth of Venus by Sarah Dunant
And I am: Completely nuts – but cashews, not almonds


you know who said...

Jim's right. You have issues.

Anonymous said...

I remember one of your old boy friends saying quote "when taking Heather out for dinner there is no need to worry about dinner conversation, because all you see is the top of her head". Just had to share this. Love, Mom