Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Festive holiday greetings from the W____’s

Warning: If you’re guilty of sending out those trendy and tiresome holiday letters, then you probably shouldn’t read HedyBlog today.

Just once. Just once I’d like a letter from some far-off fuckwit that isn’t overflowing with frothy bits of family fluff.

Here’s a little tip for you few who get the itch to share Nothing But Good News with the rest of us: Nobody cares if you bought a new house or remodeled your old house. Nobody cares that you went on five (five!) vacations this year. And trust me, nobody cares that your big-brained brat of a son/daughter/Schnauzer won [insert award of your choice].

They're bad enough any time, but these “LOOKEE how HAPPY we ARE” letters seem particularly egregious this unbelievably sad year when so many families have lost their homes in the sub-prime suckfest and so many soldiers have lost their lives in Iraq.

If you’re happy and doing well, God bless ya. But think before boasting on your blessings lest we think you’re a bullshitter or braggart. Or both.
Greetings friends, family members, ex-co-workers and your respective children and/or pets, most whom we really don’t know or care too much about:

As I write this festive Christmas missive, it is so good to be sitting on the couch and not, as they say, on the pot. Since last Sunday, I’ve been stricken with a particularly grievous flu/virus thing. Ever stalwart Jim has been extremely supportive during this trying time – keeping me in a steady supply of shit-paper and Alka Seltzer for the duration.

While we’re on pot-related issues: I wouldn’t want to jinx us since 2007 isn’t quite over, but I am pleased to report that we’ve made it through yet another year with neither of us shitting our pants. That’s nary a shart in 2007, which makes three years running. Keep us in your prayers for 2008.

More health news: My back only went out once this year after an ill-fated mattress flipping incident. Unfortunately both of us continue to fight other old-people problems like bad knees, failing eyesight, and disconcerting hair growth in unexpected places.

Speaking of Jim, we’re still married. He’s finally faced the reality that he is stuck with an irresponsible, spendthrift of a wife. Which is great, because now we only fight about what a reckless speed freak driver he is. Thankfully this only happens when we’re going anywhere in the car together.

“It’s a miracle how I make it to work every day without you to guide me, dear wife,” says Jim.

On the topic of reckless driving, I only crashed the lawn mower three times the whole summer – once into a tree and twice into the fence – another record. The bad news: I blew out the latch on the back gate by trying to slam through it with the tractor. Silly me, I thought it was unlocked. Thankfully, Jim was able to fix it right up with a bit of bungee so it doesn’t bang closed in the wind anymore. It’s a veritable aural and visual treat for our neighbors, as you can imagine.

Here’s some good news for all you pet lovers: Gromit is alive and well in spite of our best efforts at killing him with little bits of pizza crust, crackers and the occasional scrambled egg sammich. We’ve tried to stop giving him people food but it’s really the only way to keep him from drooling all over our pants, the couch and sometimes our shoulders if we’re dining (ah, the romance!) in front of the television.

Did I mention Gromit is a genius? During their visit last summer, Mom and Da discovered our indomitable dog knows how to spell Frisbee. He is currently enrolled in the gifted program at the local canine Montessori and spends his down time licking his ass and penning his memoirs.

Speaking of visitors, we were blessed with lots of them last summer. If you are invited back for summer '08, then we thoroughly and sincerely enjoyed having you here. If not, well, I hear Milwaukee can be charming in the summer time.

On the employment front, Jim is still working for ______, a software firm that has been trying to kill his favorite product for two years now. With any amount of luck, they’ll succeed at it in 2008 and he will move on to IBM or Oracle or some other IT behemoth to retire anonymously happy.

Of course I was unceremoniously fired in September. After much thought and more sobbing, I have taken complete responsibility for what happened. Lesson: Be a leader. Don’t worry about stepping on anyone’s toes. Don’t give people what they say they want, give them what you know they need. Oh, and try not to work for a bunch of spineless, lying fuckwads if you can help it.

On the home front, we had the septic tank emptied. Two more bushes died in the front yard. The fence isn't too badly dented. The deck needs to be refinished but now it’s covered in six inches of snow so Gromit the Genius Dog is peeing and pooping all over it. We are so proud.

Best wishes for a 2008 filled with Only Good Things.
I am listening to: The idiot Bears getting spanked again
I am reading: Rather Than Working
And I am: Grateful


Posolxstvo said...

I send out a letter, but it has not (yet) been categorized as tiresome or trendy. But I'm not the best judge of that.

I try to keep it light and funny, not about our "accomplishments" or how "smart" any of us is. Maybe it would be reviled by you. Frankly I don't care. :)

The ones I don't care for are the ones, particularly from older folks, that are a listing of all of their doctor appointments throughout the year. "Well, I started out the year with a biopsy, but it turned out to be benign. Then in May, Clint had a colostomy, which totally ruined our trip to Disney world with the great grandkids, Billy, Ethel, Garth, Warren, and that funny looking one that Norbert adopted whos name I can never remember."

Or the ones from people who are in therapy who have some sort of heartfelt message they are trying to convey. "I just wanted to tell each and every one of you how hekpful you've been to me in the last year, getting through my addictions and coming to realize just how out of control I am..."

Have you ever read David Sedaris' Holidays on Ice? I think you might enjoy it...

Hedy said...

Pos! A Holiday Letter from you, I'm sure is a delight to read. Thanks for the tip on the Sedaris book - I've read other of his but not that one. :)


SHIT! When you get our card, throw it out..it's got nothing but poem bullshit and pictures of all the past year-everything that you DON'T Want to see....


SHIT! Wait! I don't have your address..PHEW! :)

Bah Humbug, if you were jewish this wouldn't be a problem.

Dave said...

Emails are the solution. I used to have two categories of cards. Business with the tasteful PC "Holiday Wishes." Personal that I actually made using construction paper, colored pens and third grade artistic ability.

Now it's Emails with a pithy wish and colored fonts.

Oh, and thanks for the plug.

Posolxstvo said...

H -- Holidays On Ice is a small collection of several holiday themed essays. Some were printed elsewhere -- "Dinah, the Christmas Whore" for example was also in Naked, I believe. But it has the full "Santaland Diaries" and a hilarious fake holiday letter or two.

Judy said...

I LOVED your post today - especially since we just received one of these "cute" letters in the mail from a couple that Steve knew from High School, who recently moved to Arizona. I really don't give a rats ass how great the weather is in Arizona this time of year; and we certainly don't need to be reminded of how cold it is in Chicago (like we don't have a clue). I loathe the letters that give weather reports. I actually love having snow and cold weather in December. It puts me in the holiday mood. Besides, how in the hell do you decorate a cactus???

msmoo1 said...

Holiday Wishes from fill in the blank;
Our life is wonderful and we have lots of money in the bank;
Our children are well-mannered, insanely cute and bright;
We have many friends and they all think we are a delight!
Do tell – how are you and yours and all in your life?
As wonderful as us/ours and not filled with strife?
Good – glad to hear it – I am sorry what did you say there?

Merry F***ing Christmas and shove our letter where?

How dare!

Hedy said...

Ms. Mooooooo!!!!! BRILLIANT!!! Love you!