Thursday, December 20, 2007

Merry Christmas, Spike

So I’m prepping for some present wrapping last night and flipping through the channels – skating past all the science and sports and sex stuff in search of something Christmasy, when I see this:

Hmmm. Amateurs: Handjobs 19

I get the amateur thing. There’s something about amateurs. You’d like to think they’re working extra hard in hopes of going pro – like with minor league baseball.

But ‘Handjobs 19’?

First thought: Wonder what episodes 1- 18 are like.

Is it a classic miniseries like Roots or Rich Man, Poor Man? I wonder if there’s a boxed set.

Must check Amazon.
Next: Given the, ahem, mechanics of this maneuver, wouldn’t two or three shows (including a pilot) pretty much do it?

It’s not as if it's tricky, people.

Perhaps it’s all about the location that makes each episode better than the next. Each week a different spot. And all the anticipation is about where they'll be next.

Week 20: The Laundromat.

“Be sure to tune in next week for Bridget Brentwood in ‘Loads O’ Glory’.
Maybe it’s a reality show like Survivor, only it’s handjobs.

Each episode, one lovely amateur gets eliminated.

It’s a beat the cock – oops – clock kinda thing.

Although they’re also judged on enthusiasm, technique, and costumes. Like Dancing with the Stars with more Kleenex and less Marie Osmond.
FYI: Bridget Brentwood is my porn name. Have you heard of this?

Take the name of your first pet and combine it with the street you grew up on and voila, you’re a porn star.

Jim’s porn name is Candy Darling. If his software career ever heads south, he’s got what appears to be a brilliant future in transvestite sex flicks.
Question: How many before you get to go pro in the field of handjobs?

50 sounds about right to me.
Confession: You might’ve noticed I’m at a relatively low point in my career right now. It’s no biggie, I’m working on it, really.

But today I feel worlds better knowing there’s somebody out there whose life's work is amateur handjob movies.

Makes me feel like a professional.
I am listening to: Sha-Na-Na – Born to Hand Jive
I am reading: Marketing Plan 2008
And I am: Goin’ pro


msmoo1 said...

My friend Dave is a guy – thru and thru.
So his thoughts are always a little “blue”.
One of his fondest memories when he was a young man...
Was a 5th grade girl and her magic hand.
The school’s janitor’s closet she invited him in for a while.
And he left that closet with a very big smile.
It seems at her early age she became quite good....
At using her hands to stimulate his wood.
I wonder what career path she ended up taking?
With a specialty like that – I can only imagine the money she’s making!

Not faking

phatdoggy said...

What a handy poem!

Dave said...

Princess Colgate.

s p * k e said...

Hedy...per usual, you have NO CLUE

-1st of's your middle name and the street you grew up on.
-2nd..People watch them ONLY for educational reasons..duhhh
-3rd.. you watched "It's a Wonderful Life" over Hjobs #19???? Get a life. And Lose my IM!

Hedy said...

Spike - 1st - Fine. Joy Brentwood then. 2nd - If they're only for educational purposes, why would I NEED to watch it? 3rd - It's a Wonderful Life is a timeless classic while HJ19, educational as it may be, is not.


perhaps the 19 isn't about the series but about the age of the amies?
This is coming from someone that has no problem passing along a funny porn song titled "HEY THERE VAGINA." *(Delilah tune)
Forgot about the hand, use what we were given-our badass mouths.