Thursday, December 06, 2007

A non-negotiable clarification

“So you think that EVERYTHING should be negotiable in a marriage?” asks Mom this morning.


“You’re nuts.”
Perhaps a clarification is in order.

I’m not talking about fuck-nut husbands with teensy wieners beating up their wives. Or shrew-bitch wives who mentally (and often physically) beat up on their husbands for having teensy wieners or whatever.

I’m talking about healthy marriages between two relatively self-aware people with good communication and just the right amount of honesty.

Here’s the problem: Way too many women and more than a few men think the negotiating ENDS once you get married.

“He’s locked in now, I’m in charge.”
“She’s mine now, I can do what I want.”

That woman from the Monday morning train was one of them. And I suspect the Dilf’s wife is another (if she really is using sex as a bargaining tool, we’ll never know for sure.)

What do you call it when one person holds all the power? When one person spews non-negotiable mandates?

Certainly not a marriage. Dictatorship is more like it.
I can only write what I know.

I know healthy marriages that have made it through some seriously Godawful cock-ups (mine included). And I know hellish, miserable marriages that should’ve ended years ago.

I’ll say it again: For the people who want to STAY in a relatively healthy marriage, everything is negotiable.

When one misguided spouse starts laying down mandates and non-negotiables, the other spouse feels trapped and unhappy, like a second class citizen in her own country.
Ah, fuck it, it’s Christmas. So let’s get Biblical for a bit here.

The Old Testament was all about rules – you must follow these Ten Commandments and you’ll get to heaven. Thou shalt not this and thou shalt not that. It was happy days back then, I tell ya.

Then Jesus came along. He had more faith in people. And he understood that people don’t want to be ruled or oppressed. They want to be loved. Jesus understood this better than anyone. He knew there’s really only one commandment you need and all the other commandments will happen automatically: Love one another.

Love one another.

If you love one another unconditionally there’s no need for non-negotiables. All the other rules are unnecessary and you do what you have to, to make and keep things right -- not because you need to be in charge, not out of fear of losing something, and certainly not because of some mythical reward.

Because it’s simply the right thing to do.

Better? Not nuts now? Lemme know, Mom.
I am listening to: Sara Hickman – Mad World
I am reading: A Guide to NFA Compliance Rule 2-29
And I am: Trying to get it right


molly gras said...

Great summation of the Golden Rule -- words to live and abide by.

[An aside] WTF! A Guide to NFA Compliance Rule 2-29, sounds like a real page-turner. *yawn*


Dave said...

Mom, I love you. Hedy, kisses. I'd have not said you're nuts, though that brought you back to even keel quicker.

Negotiation requires rationality. Crazy whether clinical or criminal does not respond to reason. Thus, in your newly defined marriage, everything is negotiable. In the universe of marriages, it is not.

Mom, when was the last time I told you I love you?

Anonymous said...

Much better on the negotiable part,BUT I don't like it when you use fuck nut, shrew bitch, and cock ups along with Jesus in the same blog. You asked me, and I only tell what I believe. Love You

Posolxstvo said...

Anonymous -- I find it curious that in stating what you don't like about the post, you actually do the same thing... Put the terms into a single comment. In fact, you put them in the same *sentence*. And it seems that Hedy managed to keep the naughty bits isolated from the Jesus bits by keeping them in separate discrete thoughts.

(Side note to H. -- Not trying to enflame anything, so if you do not publish this comment, I will not be offended.)

Anonymous said...

Dave, I love you too.
Posolxstvo, you are also nuts.

Posolxstvo said...

H -- Does your Mom know about our theory?

And Anonymous, you are probably right. I probably am nuts, but 40 years later, it seems to be working for me :).

Hedy said...

MOM CLARIFICATION: Mom is Anonymous in this case, guys. Apparently she has to now create an ID before being able to post for some odd reason.