Tuesday, December 02, 2008

If a tree blows a stop sign

There are five stop signs in between my house and the health club.

I blew ‘em all this morning.

That’s right. 10 stops. Rolled right the-goddamn-through every single one of ‘em.

Hedy, Hedy, Hedy.

I know. I’m in serious trouble.

Everyone knows blowing stop signs is a gateway to committing bigger crimes. Pretty soon I’ll be stealing plastic lawn ornaments and running around naked with underwear on my head singing Delta Dawn.

Or something.

Here’s the deal: Stops signs – and traffic laws in general – are designed to keep people safe.

But if there are no people around at 4:30 in the morning, what’s the harm in not stopping?

What’s the harm, Hedy? What’s the HARM? We have laws for a reason. Whether you realize it or not, you breaking the law when no one is looking reveals a lot about your character.

Whoa. Whoa the fuck down, Tonto. When did a moving violation become an indictment on a person’s character? Seriously.

Again, traffic laws are to keep people safe. If I’m the only one on the road and I feel like driving 95 miles per hour, who the hell am I hurting?
Using that logic, Hedy, would you steal if no one were looking?

Well. It depends.

If it’s a cookie or a swipe of frosting off a cake, you bet your ass I’m a thief. A joyful, chubby little thief.

However. Only under certain circumstances. Certainly never from a bakery or grocery store. But in my kitchen or the kitchen of a close friend or relative? Sure.

Plus, if the baked goods are sitting out – just waiting to be eaten – technically it’s not stealing. And isn’t there something deliciously sinful about sneaking a cookie when no one’s looking? They just taste better.

But what if you could steal a bunch of money and no one would ever know and you’d never get caught, would you do it?

C’mon. Of course not. Stealing is one of those crimes – like wearing stretch pants – that happens to be wrong all the time. Especially when no one is looking.

And I think you'll agree that taking what hasn’t been earned is one of the biggest problems facing American society today, right behind wearing stretch pants.
I am listening to: Delta Dawn – Helen Reddy
I am reading: Henry the Eighth by Margaret George
And I am: Breakin’ the law


Susan's Snippets said...

Love, Love, Love this post!

I am definitely a "roller-thruer" when no one is looking...but to take something that I didn't deserve and/or paid for....

never, ever worth the 1,000's over in my head guilt.

Now if we could get everyone on board with that.

our country's tills would be fat

Posolxstvo I said...

You presume that you are the only one out there.

But what if you are wrong?

What if there is someone out there also presuming that he/she is the only one out there, and so is driving along blowing stop signs?

Of course, in this scenario, I am imagining you not even slowing down and looking both ways at these intersections. If you're being appropriately cautious, then I agree with you. No cop? No stop.

I don't think that it's a moral failing on anyone's part.

But if you roll through a stop sign at 55 MPH, it might indicate a recklessness in you that maybe oughta be looked at.

Hedy said...

Good point. I am cautious, not crazy, through stop signs. I slow down with a barely noticeable, one-second pause and then gun it. I call it the Perfect Pause. It is rarely attained, but beautiful to behold. It was easier when I had a stick-shift; with the automatic it's more elusive for some reason.

Anonymous said...

I know the story about stealing plastic lawn ornaments, but I have never heard about running naked with underwear on your head singing Delta Dawn. I can't wait until our morning talk.

DewMama said...

Happy Wednesday, Mom #2!!

The naked, underwear on head, Delta Dawn singing was during Homecoming--I think our jr year of high school ;)

You know I'm just kidding.....

Love Lisa (Daughter #2)

You Know Who said...

Dear Hedy's Mom,
Here in the Midwest we have a special name for the day Hedy was seen running naked with her skivvies on her head. We call it Friday. Sometimes we call it Saturday. Once in a while we call it Wednesday.
Sadly, none of us here figured out she was signing "Delta Dawn". We all just thought she stubbed her toe.

jude said...

This made me laugh! I was constantly blowing a stop sign on the road to the new Target in NA. There was a dead end on one side and a cut-in for a future road on the other side. People looked at me like I was nuts. What was the point in stopping for no cross roads? Funny....I noticed a few weeks ago that the stop signs have been removed.....along with my thrill of blowing it!


you're the reason why they're installing cameras for red light runners.