It’s Christmas morning and a cheery little family is gathered around the tree opening presents. Suddenly, the young, fresh-faced son realizes something is amiss: Mommy doesn’t have a gift.
“Mommy, what did daddy get YOU for Christmas?”
Mommy gazes off into the twinkle lights, recalling the night before: She’s in bed with daddy, who hands her a gift bag from Lover’s Lane. She pulls out a silky blue teddy and looks longingly into his eyes…
“Daddy gave me the gift of LOVE,” she replies.
Yes, little Johnny. Daddy gave your whore of a mother a hot Yule log for Christmas.
Isn’t that merry and bright?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Back at school:
“What did you get for Christmas, little Johnny?” asks the teacher.
“I got a train set and a basketball,” says little Johnny.
“And what did your daddy get your mommy?”
“Mommy says it was the Gift of Love but I’m pretty sure it was The Harvey Wall Banger Deluxe with Triple Rotating Action, the way she was hollerin’ all night. I thought for sure she’d scare off Santa, but he came. So did daddy, from what I could tell.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Listen. I’m all for whatever keeps the eggnog flowing for you and Mrs. Santa this holiday season.
But kids? In an ad for a sex toy shop?
Excuse me while I go bleach my brain.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Keep Me in Your Heart – Jorge Calderon (Music from the Showtime series Californication)
I am reading: Nothing
And I am: Never Googling ‘dildos’ ever again
3 weeks ago
3 comments:
That place strikes me as so tacky and gross anyway, so the ad is fitting in that way...but still.
Ew.
Heyd - When I reminisce about CHRISTmases with my family...it usually brings to mind tacky neon lighting and a big-fake-rubbery-wham-a-damma-ding dong.
santa king kong
I took some of your recent "And I Am" terms and combined them to see if I can make you smile.
Even as I am "a follower of Jesus" I’m still "struggling with some personal demons" and the fact that "I’m nuts about naked pistachios" has left me "disturbed" but if I remain "quiet" I can probably be "happy" and "grateful". But if I get "drunk at Christmastime" there’s a chance I’ll get arrested for "breakin the law" so I think I’ll be "sticking with my mouse" and do my shopping at home. Actually I am "blessed" that I am "still laughing" and "cozy on the couch". And as I lounge here I can be certain of one thing... I’m "never Googling 'dildos' ever again."
Love ya
Grommie
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