5 Reasons Why Numbered Lists Suck Ass

You know what I’m talking about.

The top 100 movies of all time! The top 10 sexiest beaches! The 7 best-kept secrets to a happier marriage!

Numbered lists. They’re everywhere. They’re addictive.

And they are perpetually disappointing.

I blame Casey Kasem. It’s his fault.

As a kid, I looked forward to listening to his Top 40 list all week.

And then invariably, #1 would be some lame-ass song like All Out of Love by Air Supply.
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In middle school, DewMama and me would go to Musicland at Lakeside Mall and flip through 45s, adding ‘between the sheets’ after the titles.

“OHMYGOD! Do That To Me One More Time between the SHEETS!”

“All Night Long between the SHEETS!”

“Upside Down between the SHEETS!”

Okay, we get it, Hedy. You were an irritating pervert even back then.

Pretty much.

I recall peeing in my Calvins just a little over The Biggest Part of Me by Ambrosia. It still makes me giggle.

And yes I had to look up the Ambrosia part. I’m not that twisted.
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The fact is, these lists aren’t created to actually provide five great ways to save your job life marriage money home ass – they’re designed to suck you in so that some marketing chooch can charge more for advertising.

Note to self: Create list of 5 Biggest Bullshit Marketing Tactics of All Time.
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So here it is.

Five Reasons Why Numbered Lists Suck Ass

1) The Film Strip Effect – Nothing is more irritating than web sites that publish loooong lists on individual pages, forcing you to click forward to read the next item. There’ll be no skipping ahead or scanning for what’s interesting. Nope. It’s as if I’m trapped back in BEEP Mrs. Langren’s class BEEP at Atwood Elementary BEEP trying to stay awake through BEEP another monotonous film strip BEEP regarding the migratory habits of BEEP unladen African swallows.

2) The TMI Effect – There are some things about childhood that should remain sacred. And there is definitely such a thing as Too Much Information. Because of this list – 9 Corporate Attempts at Edgy that Failed Hilariously – Barbi’s emasculated arm-candy boyfriend is now Cock Ring Ken. And you may not remember this, but I sure do: KEN DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A COCK.

3) They’re Always Wrong – There's a list out there on the Internet that ranks The Simpsons as the best TV show ever. Yep. Forget All in the Family. Or M*A*S*H. Only in America could a cartoon get best TV show. And this site says the #1 movie of all time is Citizen Kane – the biggest bullshit waste of time movie I’ve ever seen in my life and that’s saying a lot since I sat through Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skullfuck last summer. Jim and I were bored one night and watched VH1’s Top 100 Hard Rock songs. Who in their right mind ranks anything by Guns N Roses over anything by Led Zeppelin, Metallica, or Black Sabbath? C’mon! He’s Ozzy-fucking-Osbourne for Christ’s sake.

4) They Just Don’t Know When to Quit – To be honest, right now I’m fresh out of ideas for 4 and 5. Yet 5 is a nice round number. And I’m committed. So this is the part where I pull something outta my ass and you start to get frustrated. See? Isn’t it amazing how that works? Every fucking time.

5) The Last Thing on the List Always Contradicts The First Thing on the List
How to get a man in 5 easy steps: #1: Tell the truth!...#5: Be Yourself!

How to do your taxes without getting audited: #1: Tell the truth!....#5: It really doesn’t matter if you tell the truth, you will be audited by those IRS fuckwads, it’s only a matter of time.

The 7 best-kept secrets to a happier marriage: #1 Tell the truth!....#7: It really doesn’t matter if you tell the truth, you will end up divorced and alone, it’s only a matter of time.

See? There ya go. Another disappointing list.

Now I'm off to work on 5 Ways to Avoid Getting Sucked Into Reading Numbered Lists.
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I am listening to: 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover – Paul Simon
I am reading: Neil Steinberg in the Chicago Sun-Times
And I am: On the bus, Gus