GTF - Fetal Position Edition

Rough week. I feel like curling up in the fetal position - and that's just from walking to the bus this morning in the always so fucking perfect sideways rain that signifies the lovely season of Fall here in Chicago.

Please Help: Da has another suspicious growth in his bladder. They removed it in the doctor's office on Monday and we'll have biopsy results in two weeks. Please send warm thoughts and prayers to my parents this week. They're holding up remarkably well but could always use the extra special support.

Anyhow.

Here's my feeble, beaten-up-from-the-week attempt at GTF (it would've been WAY easier to bitch about how fucked up this week was, but here goes):

Jim made me laugh over my inability to say 'indemnification' in my big huge important webinar on Wednesday.
"I think that's actually pretty funny. How'd you say it, Jesse?"
It's 'Celebrate Your Mistakes' assignment week at Charm School, how fucking appropriate is that?
Jim came up with the idea that we should have an accordion player for his Mom's big 80th birthday bash this weekend.
Found one last night within a minute of Googling and he's PERFECT.
Laughing with Mom over It's a "Vanilla Shake on My Tits" day
Wore flip flops for the first time since early September Wednesday night
Finally found some time to finish book 4 of the Twilight series - it was good, mindless fiction. Certainly not on par with Harry Potter, but good.
Playing Scrabble with Jim the IT guy
Reuland's in Aurora is catering the party this weekend - they have the best roast beef sammiches on the planet
Birthday cake!
"We should have ice cream for the cake"
Loaded baked potato soup from Stockholm's in Geneva
I worked out three times this week, once at 4:30 in the morning.
Can you tell this isn't working for me? I'm really struggling.
Did I mention birthday cake?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: The Killers - Read My Mind
I am reading: High on Arrival by Mackenzie Phillips
And I am: Morose

GTF - by popular demand!

Getting an email from my good friend Judy "Where's GTF??????? I look forward to that every week!"
My new Poppie Jones gloves/mittens from DSW – with the thumbs that flip off (in a good way)
Adventures with Aunt Joy last week
"I was more worried about Chicago"
Dark chocolate Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup miniatures
Riding into Chicago on the train with Jim yesterday
I have 360 people registered for my webcast next Wednesday – a new record
Understanding the idea of having the right topic at the right time
Having a dance floor in my basement
Understanding irritating people
My comfy, raggedy ol' Ugg boots
Work is going particularly well right now
Lunch with Susan on Monday
"I don't think I've got a code for robot."
Dinner at Ach-n-Lou's pizza in Aurora last night
Good, really deep dreams lately
Hearing the word 'broad' as in "She looks like an old Vegas broad" twice this week
Using the word 'tool' as a replacement for asshole, dickhead, etc.
Lunch with Jim the IT guy today
The chicken parm sammich at Portillo's
"And she shit the bed!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Jewel - You Were Meant for Me
I am reading: Twilight - book 4
And I am: Pretty fucking happy right now

GTF: Dead-People-Don't-Have-Feelings/Eschew the Hoo Edition

Mom and me have this twisty little joke we tell - it's been going on for as long as I can remember.

When somebody dies, one of us asks "How did he die?"

And the other says "Like this" with an accompanying head tilt/eyes closed thing, feigning death.

It kills (yes, I said it) every time but I guess you really have to be there to appreciate it.

So earlier this week when I told Mom about The Turd offing himself, she said "So I have to ask - how did he die?"

And it cracked me up completely even though I didn't really feel like laughing.

Humor about death is healthy and absolutely necessary. I think it's why The Big Chill is one of my all-time favorite movies - friends are grieving over an unexpected loss and they deal with it in all kinds of delightfully screwball ways.

Anyhow - I've also been thinking about this whole concept of having respect for the dead. It's taboo to say negative things about dead people. You could probably tell I struggled with it a bit earlier this week.

After Nixon died you would've thought the man was a saint. No "I am not a crook" references, just all the reverence generally afforded an elder statesman. Michael Jackson, same thing. Not a word about the twisted relationships he had with young boys throughout his life. And then there's the recent MacKenzie Phillips thing. I was at the Oprah Winfrey show where she announced her ten-year long incestuous relationship with her father. And of course the confession sparked outrage over the fact that Papa John couldn't defend himself.

I sat there in the audience thinking, in the words of Stan from South Park, "Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hedy, do you and Mom do the jokey death 'like this' thing when EVERYONE dies?

No. This joke is reserved for people who were mere acquaintances and/or relatives we didn't know or like all that well.

Never for close friends/family.

I think I did it when my Aunt Ethel died and it didn't go over too well. Although I laughed like hell.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If someone is an asshole while they're alive (like The Turd) it oughtta be okay to call him an asshole after he's six feet under.

But HEDY, the asshole isn't around to defend himself. It's not respectful.

BULLSHIT. First of all, what difference does it make if I call someone an asshole, whether they're in the next room or dead? Either way, they're not around to defend themselves. In fact, it's probably worse insulting someone from the next room. At least in that case I'm insulting a real live person who may or may not care about being called an asshole. Dead people don't have feelings.

Second of all, who's bright idea was it that dead people ought to be afforded more respect than the living? If someone wasn't worthy of respect while they were living and breathing, why the fuck should they garner any respect once they're gone? Makes no sense.

But HEDY. You were all Mrs. Compassion earlier this week.

I know, fuck you and shaddap. Seriously. I have the ability to recognize when I'm on the squishy edge of bleeding heart liberal and thankfully I've managed to step out of the goo as this week has progressed.

Okay, I do understand the part about having respect for the people who have lost a loved one - absolutely I understand that. But here's the scoop:

Fact: My former boss was a selfish, insufferable prick. He made life miserable for a lot of people. He knew he was a prick. And he didn't care.

Fact: He was on medication periodically throughout his adult life and chose not to take it. The meds helped him be a 'normal' person but he wanted no part of it.

Fact: He killed himself in a way that he knew family members would find him.

Fact: I am judging the hell out of him right now and don't really give a fuck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One of the single greatest things I've learned at charm school is that we are obligated to be the best version of ourselves - we owe it to the people around us.

We also owe it to the people we love to expect more out of them. I'm obligated to tell you if you're not making good decisions and I sure as hell hope you'd tell me the same. That's one of the finest definitions of genuine love I can imagine.

The Turd gave up trying to be a worthwhile human being a long time ago and decided if he was going to be miserable, then he might as well make everyone else around him miserable as well.

Bottom line, he needed to die. The world is a much better place without him in it.

There are three kinds of people: Those who make a difference and work hard to be good people. Those who don't really make a difference but don't hurt anyone else and just do their own thing. And then there are those who make it their mission to create havoc and pain wherever they go.

That last group - if they are conscious of their actions like my boss was - should die as quickly and as painfully as possible.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Okay, enough of that shit. Let's wrap up with Good Things Friday:

Waking up to multiple hoot-owls hooting Monday morning
And yes, they're hoot owls dammit; I'm quite certain there are some owls who eschew the hoo
Spelling owl 'wol' like in Winnie the Pooh
Monday morning - looking out at the misty trees in the backyard just starting to turn
Lunch with Ms. Moo on Monday
Text from Mrs. You Know Who: "Look at the moon!"
Aunt Joy is here for the weekend
Text from Jim, who was in Rome all week: "Exhausted. Six hours in the Vatican."
My response: "Six hours? Were you in confession?"
Shopping with Mrs. YKW on Sunday
Watching Benny & Joon Tuesday night - "You're out of your tree." "It's not my tree."
Email from my friend Wesley from the train: "What else would you do if that [magic] wand really worked?"
My response: "Laundry. Seriously. Just laundry."
Scarf weather
Breakfast for lunch at Yolk on Wells
Unexpectedly seeing someone I hadn't seen in a very long time and smiling about it all day long
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Drops of Jupiter - Train
I am reading: I'm on hiatus from Twilight 4
And I am: Damn glad I'm not dead, like this

R.I.P. Turd

“Did you hear? Doug _______ committed suicide.”

That’s how I found out my former boss – known here as The Turd – killed himself last Friday. Via a Facebook email message from a former co-worker.

Apparently he hung himself in his living room. Rumor has it he was found by several family members, possibly one of his children. No one from his/my former company attended the funeral.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don’t know how to feel about this yet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When friends asked if I harbored any ill feelings towards him, I’d always say that karma would catch up with him. I told myself I didn’t necessarily need to see it happen. I just knew that his story wouldn’t end well.

But this. This is something different.

Something to ponder.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He was a man who blamed everyone else for his troubles. So it seems fitting that he’d kill himself and let his family find him – a final ‘fuck you’ from someone who truly did not get the human condition.

Part of me wants to know every detail. Did he use a ladder? A rope? What was he wearing? Did he leave a note?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
His boundless anger showed in his face – it was always red, bordering on crimson. When he smiled, he looked just like the Grinch.

I wonder if he finally lost that look. If he appeared peaceful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There are remembrances on his ‘death notice’ page. The trend of leaving condolences via a web site bugs the shit out of me for some reason – but I couldn’t keep myself from reading all of the posts.

He was 50. And there were 35 notes.

I don’t know if that’s high or low.

But I do know that the person they’re remembering is not the person we knew professionally. Some people actually loved him and will miss him.

The word incongruous keeps popping into my head.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Apparently his two business partners told him he was no longer welcome in the office earlier this year. He was unemployed, yet still owned part of the business. He did not receive a paycheck. He could not find work and became a stay at home dad to his four kids.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I just realized that rumor rhymes with tumor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When people say ‘rumor has it’, it’s because no one else will claim it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On the days when I was sitting in his office waiting to be yelled at, he’d often chat with his oldest son on the phone, the one who plays hockey.

He was stern and always ended the calls with “Work hard.”

These are words it's hard to find fault with – sound advice from any parent.

And yet if that was all his child heard – well who knows. I sure don’t.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I used to fantasize about running into him somewhere in the city. On my good days, I’d smile and nod but say nothing.

On my bad days I’d smile and ask him how life was treating him and if he'd found work and maybe call him a worthless douchebag or fuckwad or something equally charming/creative.

Am I sad because I won’t have that opportunity?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I remember being shocked when Doug admitted he was voting for Obama.

“It might not be best for me or my business, but it’s best for our country.”

It was the only thing I’d ever heard him say that was both reasonable and utterly selfless.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In my better moments, I’d recognize that he was deeply disturbed. That underneath all of that anger he carried a ton of hurt. That understanding why he acted that way was more important than how he treated others.

But I also vented about him here. A lot.

And maybe that’s why I’m struggling with how to feel right now.

I’m sad because I wasn’t more compassionate.

I don’t kid myself that I could’ve made a difference in his life – the thought is utterly ridiculous – but the truest test of our own morality, of the best version of ourselves is how we treat others when they’re hurting, when they are the worst version of themselves.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: A Kiss to Build a Dream On - Louis Armstrong
I am reading: Twilight Book 4
And I am: Still figuring it out

Yep, thought so

"Hey I like that scarf," says Jim the IT guy at lunch today.

"Thanks. Do you think it makes me look like a whore?"

"Well, you always look like a whore..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Quiet office sounds
I am reading: Twilight book 4
And I am: A scarf-wearin' whore

GTF

A spontaneous and FABULOUSLY FUN night out with our friends Steve & Judy Wednesday
Lotsa work-related compliments this week
Today we find out if Chicago gets the Olympics in 2016
I am wearing a pretty new brightly colored scarf today
A scarf that I didn’t have the courage to wear last week
Because I tend to be fashionably impaired
And think everyone is staring at me thinking “Look at that fashionably impaired whore with the ridiculous scarf”
But today I don’t care so much
An idiot called me a “kept woman” yesterday
The same fuckwad who implied I wouldn’t be any fun in Vegas
I am learning to ignore him
My back doesn’t hurt so much anymore
Jim made the BEST baked chicken EVER Monday night
Watching the Wizard of Oz Monday night
“You’re smiling like a little kid”
I shot myself in the eye with hairspray this morning and now it’s twitching like mad but I’m not letting it get to me
In fact I am relishing the fact that it probably makes me look like a fashionably impaired serial killer/whore
A good thunderstorm last night
Watching the Daily Show on my iPhone
Using the “Bump” application on my iPhone at trade shows
Doing the chicken dance at Oktoberfest in Plano last Saturday
Willy’s lederhosen
Seeing my friend Wesley on the train this morning
Jim’s winter pajamas: Van Halen sweatpants plus his short-sleeved soft flannel woobie
Dark chocolate Reese’s peanut butter cup miniatures
Chatting with Ed at the lost & found window in Union Station again
Neil Steinberg is back in the Sun-Times today
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Loves Me Like a Rock – Paul Simon
I am reading: Twlight book 4
And I am: Twitching

GTF: Eschew the Moo Edition

The moo-cows outside my sub at Mooseheart Farm
A great week in Vegas
Not losing any money because I didn't bother with gambling
Seeing the Psychedelic Furs Tuesday night
Chicken noodle soup at 11 p.m.
The 10-minute long greeting from Grommie after being gone for three days
The new Craig Ferguson book “American on Purpose” arrived from Amazon while I was gone
The ginormous zit on my cheek has finally crusted over
Dinner with the You Know Who’s at Bliss last night
Born shoes - extremely comfortable yet cute – you can find them at DSW
My new jean jacket from Cabela’s
The smiley memories brought on by “The Ghost in You”
Watching The Daily Show on my iPhone
Realizing that I can make it through any trade show if I just stock up on Vicodin and SlimFast
Not being any skinnier, but not being any fatter, either
Southwest Airlines – they treat you like people, not cattle – plus the flight attendants are entertaining and give you extra animal crackers
Realizing that I’ve somehow managed to memorize the two-letter abbreviations for all 50 states
Wearing one of my all-time favorite fall jackets today
Calling them moo-cows as if there are certain bovines who eschew the moo
~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: The Ghost in You – Psychedelic Furs
I am reading: Twilight book 4
And I am: Tired

Whore hair

"Do you like my hair that way?"

"Yes," says Jim.

"But don't you think it makes me look like a whore?"

"Yes, that's why I like it."
~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Hurt So Good - John Cougar What'shiscamp
I am reading: Twilight 4
And I am: A little better today

GTF

Being jolted awake this morning by a sharp, unbelievably hot and stabby NEW pain in my right thigh and realizing that HEY, it could be worse.
It could be this hurty ALL THE TIME.
The beer truck that ran interference for me through a seriously orange light this morning
Understanding that calling yourself an expert is very dangerous
Being called “not fun” by someone who barely knows me
Learning this, from the Good Morning New Pain in my leg: I woke up yelling “OWOWOWOWOW” instead of swearing, which means I curse only for the benefit of others.
“Jesus meets a Democrat”
A wonderful and relatively pain-free 24 hours in Lake Geneva with the glorious You Know Whos
Borrowing Vicodin from Mrs. YKW in advance of receiving my own supply
How Mrs. YKW always makes breakfast for us on Sunday and it’s always very very very good
A full bottle of Vicodin all my own
Blue Cross/Blue Shield of Illinois, without whom all of this back-related care (esp. the Vicodin) would be cost prohibitive
Watching Jim and YKW tubing on the lake
My haircut, which I’ve decided isn’t sassy so much as just plain ol’ cute
Jim, who says it is his “charter” to make sure I’m happy and comfortable.
Cooking bacon
Exuberant kisses from Gromit the moment he realizes I’m home for the day
Coke in a glass bottle from the corner store
The neighbor’s flag at night with the light shining on it
Renewing my iTunes subscription to The Daily Show
My Eddie Bauer hooded jacket, which makes me feel like a little kid
Vicodin
Vicodin
Vicodin
~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Hallelujah – Rufus Wainwright
I am reading: Twilight – Book 4
And I am: Really, really angry

GTF

Remembering how everyone was a little bit nicer after the 9/11 attacks
The hopeful way I stand in front of the mirror admiring how an old pair of pants fits before sitting down and bloop! not quite...yet
Snow Leopard
The "Hide" feature on Facebook - to block out those really annoying 'friends'
Realizing who hasn't blocked me using the 'hide' feature by posting how much I love it
Looking forward to another raucous 24 hours in Lake Geneva this weekend
My chiropractor and my massage therapist
BioFreeze
Twilight, book three
To Kill a Mockingbird - I'd never seen it until last night - riveting
Salesforce.com
~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Morning huddle
I am reading: Twilight Book Three
And I am: Frustrated

GTF

Pausing to watch the sun rise over Mooseheart farm Wednesday morning
Soaking up the moon beams on lounge chairs last night
Waking up with Coolio’s Fantastic Voyage in my head
Recognizing where my fear of public speaking comes from
Hosting a fabulous webinar on Wednesday

Email from me to Jim early Tuesday: “I’m definitely hormonal.”
Coming home to two packages of Chips Ahoy cookies on the kitchen counter Tuesday night

Our good friends Steve & Judy – who turned a 4-hour painting project into a way more fun 1.5 hour project. Love you guys, thanks again.
The dusty-rosy sedum is starting to bloom in the garden that Judy designed for us
Finding out I’m allergic to horses, hamsters, and ham
Realizing I have Prius envy
Still no chips – I’ve totally lost the taste for them; have not managed to give up sweets yet. Yet.

Emailing about birthday/vacation plans for Jim and Mrs. You Know Who next February:
Hedy: How about this – You Know Who and I will cook for the Birthday Twins - whaddaya say, old man, you up for sporting an apron in honor of the two people we love most?
YKW: How bout you shut the fuck up.

An old couple smiling/dancing/singing along with “Cathy’s Clown” in Graham’s Chocolates on Saturday.
Dark chocolate almond bark from Graham’s Chocolates in Geneva
Chatting with Marco the jeweler from St. Charles at dinner last night - he says business is starting to pick up, another sign the economy might be in recovery
A grilled cheese sammich
Craig Ferguson
Getting this email late Thursday night: Our fearless leader has graciously decided to give us Friday afternoon off! So...please feel free to head out after 1:00.
Playing Facebook Scrabble and swearing a lot

Me: “Do you swear at work?”
Jim: “I think my office is one of the few places where you’ll hear ‘suck my dick, motherfucker’ in a status meeting.”

The douchebag with anger management issues sitting next to me on the train who tried to block someone from getting off before him. He didn’t win.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Coolio – Fantastic Voyage
I am reading: Twilight book 2
And I am: Fucking awesome

Christ vs. Krispy Kreme

Here’s what I love most about my commute: You never know when the next crazy person is gonna show up and yell at you.

Lately there’s been this small Southern-sounding white guy standing at the east side of the Adams Street Bridge yelling about Jesus.

“JESUS is the ONLY ANSWER for this COUNTRY!”

“Only JESUS can SAVE YOU from HELL and DAMNATION!”

“Y’ALL better WAKE UP and SMELL the JESUS, PEOPLE!”

Okay maybe I made up that last one, but you get the idea.

The first time he was just yelling. The second time, he was yelling AND shaking a Bible at us. I can't WAIT to see what props he’ll use this morning.

If he had any clue about this crowd, he’d pipe down and offer up a little bread and wine, Jesus-style. Then he’d have all of us stopping for an insanity-infused snack.

Anyhow.

This was entirely unintentional – I didn’t expect him to see it – but Tuesday morning when I walked by, I rolled my eyes.

Well maybe I did intend for him to see it. As you might imagine, it can be a bit of a challenge holding in that extra special brand of disgust borne from misdirected evangelical fervor.

“Don't ROLL your EYES, lady, JESUS is REAL!”

What I wanted to say: “I KNOW he’s REAL you proselytizing PRICK. You’re not doing your cause any favors by YELLING at all of these GOOD, hardworking PEOPLE so EARLY in the MORNING. How about you stop SHAKING that Bible and try READING it? Then maybe you’d KNOW that Jesus wasn’t about FEAR and VENGEANCE, but unconditional LOVE and FORGIVENESS. He didn’t NEED to YELL because he LIVED IT, ya cross-humpin’ FUCKHOLE. And HERE’S an IDEA: how about you GET A JOB. While you’re at it, SHUT THE FUCK UP, BE STILL AND KNOW I AM.”

What I say: Nothing. I laughed and kept walking.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don’t you wonder what motivates these people? Did he just hop outta bed one day and say “I’m gonna go yell at commuters for the Lord. He’d really like that.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Was "cross-humpin' fuckhole" a bit over the top? I think so. Prolly didn't help my cause.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On the west side of the same bridge - right outside Union Station - there's always a large black man yelling about Krispy Kreme donuts. He's usually got a tall stack of sweet dough-filled boxes sitting on the sidewalk next to him.

“BRING SOME KRISPY KREME DONUTS TO YOUR CO-WORKERS!”

“HOW ABOUT SOME KRISPY KREME DONUTS THIS FINE CHICAGO MORNING?”

"IGNORE THAT JESUS FREAK ACROSS THE BRIDGE AND TRY A LITTLE TASTE OF HEAVEN RIGHT HERE, BROTHERS AND SISTERS!"

Can I get an AMEN?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Coolio – Fantastic Voyage
I am reading: New Moon – The Twilight Book II
And I am: Still

GTF

The guy with the handlebar mustache reading the “Mormon Times” newspaper on the 7:22 this morning

Who knew the Mormons had so much news?

Imagining what Mormon news would be

Singing the “Good morning, good morning” song in a semi-operatic voice to Mom this morning

Jim got me one of those new ‘environmentally friendly’ (read: trendy) metal water bottles

Sunflowers growing next to a Porta-Potty along the railroad tracks

Purchased Snow Leopard last night

My literary umbrella

My jeans fit better

It’s been FOREVER since I’ve had a potato chip and I no longer miss them

Saying no to potato chips when they’re offered to me and not feeling anything like regret

Went to the Oprah show with a co-worker this week – trippy and interesting

144 people registered for my webinar next Wednesday

Two BINGOS in a row on Scrabble with Jim the IT guy this week – highest scoring game EVER

Catching up with Susan at her birthday lunch

The shed is being built today

A sassy haircut

The word ‘sassy’

Memories of our neighbor’s dog growing up – a red and white Spaniel of some sort named Sassy

Having no plans this weekend

Finally writing - and thinking about writing again

The fake palm trees in front of the Key Wester restaurant on Rt. 59

The two guys with Bibles across from me on the train now – why does this always surprise me?

The guy on the left – his Bible is very worn; the guy on the right, not so much

Pizza and movies with Tina while Jim was at the Bear’s game Saturday night

Stockholm’s with Jim last night – and the best baked potato soup on the planet

My $10, 90-minute massage at 5:30 tonight

Knowing the rule that if you’re the first person sitting in the seats upstairs on the train, that you get to put your arms towards the back of the seat

Bumping the guy next to me who obviously doesn’t know the fucking rule

Having him get a clue and move his arms to the forward, more uncomfortable position

The movie Gran Torino

Going to pick out invitations for my mother-in-law’s 80^th birthday party tomorrow

The smell of popcorn in Union Station reminds me of going to the Kmart on Groesbeck in Mt. Clemens with Mom and Grandma

The saxophone guy outside Union Station playing ‘Careless Whisper’

This dingbat at the Lost & Found window in Union Station: “Hi. I lost a small black umbrella on the train yesterday….”

Ed at the ticket window in Union Station:

“Two hundred dollars…and 60 cents for a ten-ride and a monthly.”

“Ugh…all I have is $200,” says me.

“You can owe me,” he says. “Now you’re not going to lose any sleep over this are ya,? I only did it because of your peace necklace…I’m old enough to remember when that actually meant something.”

Using this to remember all the good things in my head: Popcorn saxophone umbrellas tickets shake a leg

~~~~~~~~~~

I am listening to: A conference call with Magento

I am reading: Twilight book 1

And I am: Peaceful

Rainbrellas

You can tell a lot about a person by the umbrella they use.

For example, there’s a smallish gray-haired woman standing outside the train below me right now and she’s holding an umbrella that looks like a giant sunflower. We could assume she has a relatively sunny disposition about life and/or she’s a gardener.

Of course there are folks who don’t pay attention to these things and perhaps that umbrella was a gift, in which case she could be a crazy bitch from hell who would happily stab you in the forehead with her cheerful yellow parasol.

You decide.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You see a lot of ginormous corporate golf umbrellas on rainy mornings in the Loop.

They’re pretty much portable patio-type umbrellas that could easily keep dry a family of four, two dogs, and one cranky aunt. They take up the entire sidewalk - these umbrellas from UBS and Northwestern University and Bank of America – typically protecting white-haired, unsmiling men who are completely oblivious to the wide swath they cut. This is how I see them in the office – powerful, yet profoundly unhappy guys, completely unaware of their impact on the world and only concerned with keeping themselves warm and dry.

Oh, here comes a guy right now under a giant Deutsche Bank umbrella. Deutsche Bank always makes me think Douche Bag for some reason.

Moving on, there are leopard print umbrellas and ladybug umbrellas and bright pink umbrellas - all cheerful anachronisms in this otherwise gloomy day. These small, fashionable parasol-type umbrellas are usually carried by small, fashionable women – both of which are completely fucking worthless in brutal Chicago weather.

There are the classic wood-handled umbrellas in various colors. People under these are more smiley than usual.

There was a woman carrying a red umbrella with a small plastic ketchup bottle on top right where the point would be on a regular umbrella – I’m assuming it was a promotional giveaway for Heinz or one of those other inferior brands but didn’t see the logo.

Of course, most people use small black umbrellas. They are anonymous, cheap, and temporary yet functional.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Met Susan for a birthday lunch today and she has a fantastic umbrella with fashionable French ladies on it. She says it reminds her of her time in Paris.

Very cool.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
umbrella
noun
1 they huddled under the umbrella parasol, sunshade.
2 the groups worked under the umbrella of the Communist Party aegis, auspices, patronage, protection, guardianship, support, backing, agency, guidance, care, charge, responsibility, cover.

(Apple Thesaurus)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In French, umbrella is parapluie. It’s pronounced just like it looks. This makes me inexplicably happy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
para- 2 |ˈparə|
combining form
denoting something that protects or wards off : parachute | parasol.

(Apple Dictionary)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parasol = protects + sun
Parapluie = protects + rain
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just saw a HUGE man carrying a small black umbrella covered with pink breast cancer ribbons.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the 90's, when I lived in my all-time favorite apartment in Geneva, I’d babysit the kids across the street once in a while.

The mother was Susan. The father was Scott. They are probably divorced now, mostly because they didn’t seem all that happy ever and also because Scott hit on me one night when his wife was at class getting another degree that she probably wouldn’t use.

Anyhow.

Their oldest daughter – Mariah, who was rather bratty due to lack of parental attention – called them rainbrellas.

This is another thing that makes me inexplicably happy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What kind of umbrella do YOU use, Hedy?

It’s pretty much as you’d expect: A real, classic-sized umbrella. Not huge. Not tiny. Sturdy. Black. With a large silverish hook for a handle. Heavy canvas material. And literary quotes in soft gray text all over it.

To be or not to be. Call me Ishmael. Oz, the Great and Terrible. You get the picture.

If I were Oprah, it would be one of my very Favorite Things.

What does my umbrella say about me? I’m sturdy. Thinky. Perhaps a little pretentious at times but chubby-cute to compensate for it. And I like things that last.

Or.

It could say that I was caught in a veritable downpour last summer prior to lunch with a friend and popped into the only store – a Barnes & Noble – on the off chance they’d have an umbrella.

You decide.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: KT Tunstall – Suddenly I See
I am reading: Twilight book 1
And I am: Soaked from the knees down

It's a legitimate question

Posted on Facebook yesterday morning:

"Heather is going to see OPRAH today! Thanks so much Kathleen...can't wait!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Voicemail from Mom yesterday afternoon:

"Hello my little cupcake. i got a call from Aunt Sharon asking if you're going to be on the Oprah show today. I didn't know this. Let me know what day it's going to air. We were laughing - we didn't know if you were in the audience or a guest."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Valkyrie
I am reading: Twilight
And I am: Not a guest

Get off my lawn: fantasy vs. reality

"If we'd known you were sending Poncho Villa over to do the work, we never would've hired you," says the husband.

“What?” asks Mike the Painter.

“Mexicans,” says the wife. “Everybody knows they steal.”

Mike stopped by yesterday afternoon to drop off color samples from when he painted our house two years ago – Jim, who is usually pretty tenacious about this stuff – never wrote them down and we’re painting the shed this weekend.

That’s when Mike told us about our fuck-nut neighbors two doors down, whose house his team painted earlier this summer.

“What did you say? How did you respond?” I asked.

“What could I say? The job was done. And you can’t argue with that kind of ignorance.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

You should know these neighbors already weren't well-liked for a variety of ‘get off my lawn’ type of run-ins over the years. But still, this recent bit of news came as a shock to both of us. It’s one thing to be an asshole. It’s another to be a racist asshole.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Later that night, we watched Gran Torino – a movie I did not expect to like because of every other Clint Eastwood movie I’ve seen.

But it was good. Very good.

“So why was it kinda funny when Clint Eastwood's character did it but not so funny when it’s our neighbors?”

That was me on the drive to the train this morning.

“Because that’s just how his character was,” says Jim. “He wasn’t really being negative to them, it’s how he was raised.”

“But he called them ‘slope’ and ‘zipperhead’,” I say. “That wasn’t very nice.”

“That’s from being in the war,” says Jim. “And he was old. It’s like my parents calling black people ‘coloreds’, they weren’t being racist, it’s just what they were called then. The bottom line is, our neighbors have no excuse. They’re not that old.”

Or maybe it’s because Clint Eastwood’s character in Gran Torino was infinitely more likable than our fuck-nut neighbors.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Editorial note: Jesus I’m rusty. Not writing every day has taken its toll and this is way more rough than it should be. Still, it’s something.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am listening to: Office sounds

I am reading: Twilight

And I am: Thinking

GTF

According to Blogger I'm at 800 posts, so yay
A fantastic date last night including a loooong walk along Lake Michigan
Talking about trips to Rome to see where the Pope hangs his hat, Sydney to meet Bec finally and Bangkok to see Nelson
Loving the fact that Jim wants to go visit Nelson as much as I do
Having dreams in which I'm making better decisions
Saw an ear-nose-throat guy this week to hopefully help with these nasty sinus infections
“Take Your Cheese to Work” day sponsored by Mini Babybel - handing out little round cheeses at Union Station
The shed is coming one week from today
Arriving in the office this morning to discover I had multiple large bats in the cave - sexy!
Being kinda quiet/sad this week and being absolutely okay with it
The ability to search for songs on my iPhone
Watching classic movies with Jim: On the Waterfront and Cape Fear
Marlon Brando was a freak and Gregory Peck punches like a girl
The Twilight series of books – I’m in book 1 and it’s fabulous
The gracious co-worker who got me started on the Twilight series and loaned me the first three books
Jim is going to the Bears game tomorrow and I have a quiet night at home with Grommie, the Twilight books, and Facebook Scrabble
Living on a budget with no cab rides this week
It's payday - a concept I have not been terribly cognizant of since we got married and Jim took over our finances
Jason, the amazing massage therapist at my chiropractor’s office
Blue Cross/Blue Shield: $20 co-pay for a 90-minute massage (I’m going every week)
Working on my marketing plan/budget for 2010 – ahead of schedule
smcFanControl for my MacBook - puts me in control and cools it down nicely
The way we use words from previous Facebook Scrabble games to name new ones – right now I’m in the middle of ‘Mittens’ with Nelson and ‘Phat Dope’ with Jim the IT guy
A fun Saturday with Jim’s family, especially our two nephews Logan and Donovan
A nap on the porch with the little guy Donovan
Not needing to know all the answers so much anymore
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: If I Ever Feel Better - Phoenix
I am reading: Twilight, book 1
And I am: Kinda sad

The signal

"There was a large woman in a small car next to me today. She had a ginormous, open box of Tampax sitting in her rear window."

"It's a signal," says Jim. "It says 'Watch out, I'm bleeding.'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am listening to: Body of Lies

I am reading: Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

And I am: Still laughing

GTF

My Official Route 25 Parking Pass!
An unexpected evening with friends and the Kane County Cougars
Receiving the honor of the very first shot from a fresh bottle of Gentleman Jack
Sitting in my car finishing a glass of water because I’m not stressed about missing the train because of my Official Route 25 Parking Pass
My new toothbrush: The Colgate 360. It’s got this rough, rubbery surface on the back of the brush that massages the inside of my mouth and it feels surprisingly gooooood
They’re pouring concrete for the new shed today
Niko’s Lodge in Wasco – fabulous food and great service, plus fire pits out front and s’more supplies inside the door
Seeing three shooting stars through the sun roof on the way home from dinner
Jim, Grom and me, lying on lawn chairs in the backyard looking for more shooting stars
Arguing with Jim and then laughing together right after
Gomez – See the World
Sha la la la la la - sha la la la la la - sha la la la la la
The best sweet corn on the planet from that farm stand on Bliss Road
Writing a presentation abstract that got (tentatively) accepted for the Internet Retailer conference in Chicago next year
My friend Susan’s Soon-to-be-Famous Chocolate Polka Dot cookies sold out her first Saturday at the Batavia farmer’s market
Eating almost an entire bag of Susan’s Soon-to-be-Famous Chocolate Polka Dot cookies because I ‘don’t want them to melt’ - as if I need that excuse.
Wonderful, lovely pottery bought with Judy at the Art/Fart in Your Eye Festival
Did I mention my new Route 25 Parking Pass?
A message from an ex co-worker on Facebook that totally made my day
“You can’t fight crazy”
Finding my new haircut in this month’s Real Simple magazine
Feeling better finally
Coming to the realization that Cheez-Its are NOT crackers
Still, no chips or other salty crunchy snacks for what is it, 7 weeks now? That’s gotta count for something.
Blue Cross/Blue Shield: $16 for an adjustment and a 90-minute massage with the loveable sadist Jason at my chiropractor’s office
“You losing weight? I can see it in your face.”
Understanding how unbelievably blessed I am more and more every day
~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Gomez – See the World
I am reading: Content for the new web site
And I am: Blessed

GTF

Here goes:

11 years married and he still makes me laugh every day

This silly table planter to the left which I've managed to keep alive most of the summer

Busy, busy work week in spite of having the third sinus infection in as many months

Pouring concrete for a shed this Monday

No crunchy-salty-chippy snacks for six weeks now (we'll just ignore the pretzel incident from last week, shall we?)

New case for the iPhone

"Ryan update?"

A Bingo on FB Scrabble - "Mittens"

It finally feels sorta like summer outside

Realizing that I actually do need quite a bit of alone time in order to be creative and that the lesson which posed the opposite from charm school was, in fact, utter bullshit

Still being able to have a fun, interesting conversation with your husband after knowing him nearly 20 years

"They don't have the kind of super duper tampons I was looking for."

"There's a fresh bucket of shop rags in the garage."

The FAQs on Stephen King's web site make him sound like a total douchebag

Ken Follett knows how the hell to host a fan page, so suck it, Stephen King

The "And the Pursuit of Happiness" blog at the New York Times - LOVE IT

Taking pics of Jim & Grom with my 'good' camera

Okay, folks. The reality is I'm exhausted. I haven't slept more than 1 or 2 hours each night all week. I'm up right now again because of this fucking miserable sinus infection and all I want/need/crave is some fucking SLEEP. This is not a good thing. It's a What The Fuck thing.

Sitting on the porch watching the mosquitos bombard the screen above Jim's head

Oberweis chocolate ice cream in a bowl, nothing more, nothing less

Working from home in my 'office' upstairs instead of on the couch - Jim calls it my fort

Going to The Art in Your Eye Festival this Saturday with Judy - we call it the Fart in Your Eye Festival because of a poorly designed sign

Susan's delicious cookies at the Batavia Farmer's Market Saturday morning - go get 'em!

Filed/painted my nails tonight

Have an appointment with an ENT specialist in two weeks

Debating paranoid morons on Facebook

P's are definitely coming back this month - YAY!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am listening to: Middle of the night house sounds

I am reading: Nothing interesting

And I am: Exhausted