Friday, December 15, 2006

Cornmeal, gunpowder, ham hocks and guitar strings

So far this holiday season we’ve watched the Peanuts Christmas special, Year Without a Santa Claus (new & old versions), Grinch, and Rudolph.

Here's a question: Why do they make Santa out to be such a dick in these shows?

Of course in Rudolph, Santa finds out about the blinkin' beacon and puts the kibosh on Donner's only son ever participating in the most important night in the life of any reindeer.

DONNER: Now I'm sure it'll stop as soon as he grows up, Santa.

SANTA: Well, let's hope so if he wants to make the sleigh team someday!

Donner's thinking: "Thanks a pantload, ya fat fuck."

Then in Year Without a Santa Claus, he's the flaming asshole who decides to blow off Christmas and plunge the entire world into chaos. As if the holidays aren't stressful enough. They never mention the fact that the suicide rate for December went through the fucking roof that year.
Speaking of flaming, I do love Heat Miser's little minions. Their tiny flaming heads just crack me up completely. It's the best part of the whole story, really.
This is a little crazy, but two years ago I bought the Santa's castle from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

The castle came with a bunch of the little figurines including Mean Head Elf, Hot Little Female Elf, Nerd Elf with Glasses, Yukon, multiple nameless reindeer, Charlie in the Box and of course Santa and Mrs. Claus.

I usually set it up on a table in our family room, which also features a Christmas tree decorated in silver & gold ornaments (get it?).

I know. It's fairly twisted. But wait, there's more.

There's a bedroom on the third floor of Santa’s castle.

Every night during the holiday season, I come home from work to find somebody new upstairs violating Hot Little Female Elf.

Of course, Santa was first. He is the boss after all. Gives whole new meaning to “Ready, Santa!”

One night it was Yukon -- getting a taste of elf coochie for the first time in his lonely prospecting life. Next it was misfit Polka Dot Elephant in his jaunty little hat taking her doggie style.

On one particularly disturbing occasion, Charlie in the Box had Head Elf biting the pillow while HLFE watched from the corner.

The worst was when I discovered Comet playing reindeer games with Clarice.

C'mon. It’s bad enough the coach ridiculed Rudolph in front of his friends and nearly kept him off the sleigh team. But playing reindeer games with his girlfriend?

That's just wrong.
I am listening to: Bi-weekly sales meeting
I am reading: Chicago Sun-Times
And I am: Festive


Anonymous said...

So you have your own little Christmas porn taking place on the table in the family room? Is there some disco'd up version of "I'm Mr. Heat Miser" playing in the background?

-Mr. Uk

Hedy said...

Exactly! Nothing says 'Merry Christmas' quite like porn!