Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The #2 situation

How’s work goin’, Hed?

It is unbelievably good. I am actually joyful about work. It’s totally twisted.

And I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, but as my co-workers remind me daily: “There is no other shoe here.”

There’s really only one thing I’d change (besides the Super Sized commute), and that’s the #2 situation.

The #2 situation?

Yes. The #2 situation.

We moved to new office space a few weeks ago (same building, one floor up) and it’s a fabulous open loft with gorgeous, panoramic views of the city, high ceilings, and amazing artwork.

And the crappers. Are smack dab in the middle of everything.


No more pretending to take a walk while sneaking away for bowel-related breaks.


Every time you go to the bathroom in my office, you're sending a memo to the world: YOUR CO-WORKER IS CRAPPING.
A long time ago I went on a weekend road trip to northern Michigan with a guy from work.

We’d just left the office when he said: “Did you go to the bathroom? Because I’d like to drive straight through if possible.”

I’ve always been a trooper when it comes to extended car rides. In my pre-Jim/Gromit days, I could do five hours straight from Chicago to eastern Michigan on one tank of gas while drinking a Big Gulp. No stops.

But because this butt-munch essentially banned bathroom breaks, my brain broke and I had to pee pretty much every 20 minutes all the way to Petoskey.

We weren’t dating or even screwing yet (although I think he wanted to), and if the incessant pissing wasn’t enough to kill his ardor, farting on him later that weekend certainly did.

But that’s a story for another day.
Anyhow. The road trip. With the Potty Nazi.

That’s how it was the first week in the new office. The bathroom situation caused another brain breakdown.

“DON’T PEE DON’T PEE DON’T PEE” I kept saying, but my cursed kidneys weren’t listening.

So every 20 minutes, I’m in there. Peeing.
The real bummer is that the women’s restroom in my office is Exceptionally Nice.

Candles. Potpourri. Lotion. Hairspray. And plenty of room spray, too.

But I can’t enjoy it.

Every time I’m in there, I imagine my co-workers gathered outside, setting their stopwatches to see How Long She’s in There This Time.

They’re taking bets. Playing Mule/No Mule. While I struggle to squeeze one out.
As you can imagine, the #2 situation is worse.

The irony is, I’m a fairly regular bathroom person. Mornings are my time. I’m a pre-shower pooper. Or I used to be.

Now, nothing.

I consider this the ultimate betrayal by my body. That’s saying a lot after 40+ years of hard living.
“Hey, Heather, would you like to try some of this?”

I look behind me and it’s co-worker Katie brandishing a bottle of Pink Lemonade Metamucil.

Dead serious.

“It’s new!” she says enthusiastically. “I love it.”

I stop short of saying that simply being in an office with stage-like shitters is enough to ensure my system stays streamlined, thanks so much, but I’m new here and don’t want to be rude so I partake in the poop juice.

The paranoid part of me thinks the Metamucil break was a big jokey jab at the New Person, but later the same day, good-hearted (and obviously bountifully-boweled) Katie offers some to an interview candidate.

Can you imagine? You’re interviewing for an executive assistant position and someone offers you laxative laden refreshments.

"Um, thanks, but I'm already nervous enough without worrying about crapping my pants. Don't you have some Tropicana?"

Although now that I think of it - it's ingenious. Prepares the new people for public pooping.

I am listening to: Kid Rock – All Summer Long
I am reading: Drunkard by Neil Steinberg
And I am: Holding it in


Anonymous said...

One for the book that's for sure. Laxative for an interview. I see why you love that company! Some days after 14 hrs flying, I cant tell you how I would love someone to offer me a cold beverage of crap inducer.

Love from the co-crapper!

Anonymous said...

It could be worse. Someone could follow behind you, wrap a plastic bag around their hand, grab your 'excess dietary fiber' and carry it back home with them! As if it was some sort of rare collectible or something!
I'm not kidding... I've seen it!
That my dear Hedy... THAT is humiliating!!
AKA - Colon Bowel

Posolxstvo I said...

I too am a shy workplace crapper. But the worst is when you are peacefully minding your own business and someone comes in and parks in the next stall over. Used to be my company had the run of the entire building, and we could institute a "No Double Dumping" rule, but with two other companies in the space with us now, one of which hires people with very different hygiene and personal space customs than us, such a rule is unenforceable now.

Dave said...

Petoskey is in an especially pretty part of Michigan.

Moe Wanchuk said...

I'm with Pos......You ever been in a man's bathroom...with all 6 stalls full?


Anonymous said...

Hedy... maybe you will consider giving me a bit of extra help in getting my opposition message out... otherise a simple post in the comments situation will be fine.

Some common sense notions for Candidate Moe!

"I get some free marketeer business' up and running"
That is a laugh. The free market! Right! Does and Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac ring a bell? Dude, there IS NO FREE MARKET. Some companies are not free to FAIL! Thus - market - not - free!

"I will set a tax rate at 5%. Then people will be able to move back in and rebuild this beautiful city on the water. There will be a 1% city income tax and another 1% sales tax to pay for Police, Roads and schools."
Schools made out of what? Cardboard boxes! I guess it doesn’t matter because the wealthy (1%) kids will go to private schools leaving those great cardboard schools for the poor kids. No child left behind! Take a look around... it's working like a charm! (sarcasm)

"Left wing lawyers will not exist to protect rapists, murderers and thieves."
And the right wing lawyers will be free to rape the American public. Jesus this only gets more ridiculous.

"You will work hard, make money and keep it. It's YOURS. Invest it. Donate it to Charities. Distribute it to your friends or family."
Work hard doing what? The jobs are going overseas?! What planet does this SchMoe live on?

"Anyone who says "Moe owes me health care" will be caned."
Take a look around at those without health care. They are hard working American families. Stop with the stereotyping of those with health care problems.

"Getting an education and working hard will take care of that. You will be responsible for yourself."
That would be great... if our corporate leaders took frickin some responsibility I could probably be fine taking care of myself. But these crooks are F’ing the American worker faster than we can say "Hey get your personal responsibility out of my ass!"

Hookers will be legal.
Good point. But even a blind squirrel finds a nut every now and then…

"Do Something for a Change....Vote Moe!"
Change? This is 99% the Bushie platform. I say you are just Moe of the same!

No to Moe... after reading his platform and all the "personal responsibility" bullshit I have to take back my support.
Sounds like a Bushie and a "government is bad" guy. Government is not bad! And it is not a business. If business would stay out of government and stop asking for corporate handouts we would be FINE!
Sorry but I say "No Moe"
The problems in Detroit exist because the car manufacturers are in bed with the oil companies and they screwed themselves making gas guzzlers while foreign auto makers had the sense to make cars that get 45 miles to the gallon... then they boned the Detroit workers out of their pensions… then they shipped the jobs out of the country... jobs that had value because hard working Americans dedicated their lives to their company with a promise of security at the end of the run. Instead they lost their jobs AND their pensions!
As Phil Collins sang…
No Moe!
No Moe!!
No Moe!
No Moe!!

I’m mad as hell and I ain’t gonna take it any Moe!!