Friday, July 11, 2008

Escaping the idiots

It started shortly after I boarded.

SNAP.

SNAP.

SNAP.

SNAP.

Oh. God.

Someone is clipping their nails on the train again.

Yes. It happens more than you’d think. It’s incredibly gross.

And I never thought I’d say this, but I’ll take gross over extended periods of irritating any day.

Because the silly twat wasn’t clipping her nails, but snapping her gum.

Every two seconds.

SNAP.

SNAP.

SNAP.

SNAP.

Plus, the train was delayed several times due to freight traffic so all of us in the seventh car on the 5:26 to Aurora last night endured more than an hour of this infernal snapping.

Better still?

She stopped snapping her gum only to TALK ON HER PHONE IN A VOICE LIKE THIS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hedy, why didn’t you just move to another car?

I thought about it. My blood pressure would’ve gone down considerably.

But this is America, folks.

I shouldn’t have to move because someone is irritating me. I shouldn’t be the one inconvenienced by idiots. Right?
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Okay, it’s barely 7 a.m. on Friday.

And idiocy abounds.

I pass a beer distributor on my way to the train station.

Every morning big, beautiful land barges of beer make their way out into the world so slobs like us can get blasted and bloated.

It’s fabulous.

Except this morning, the dude driving the huge Heineken truck (and I fucking hate Heineken) didn’t see me, pulled out and nearly ran me off the road.

To his credit, he gave me the little ‘Sorry, I’m an asshole’ wave, but this did nothing to dislodge my heart from my throat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Then, more idiocy at the parking ticket machines.

A dorky corporate chooch cuts in front of me to the only open machine and PROCEEDS TO DIG THROUGH HIS POCKETS, THEN HIS WALLET FOR MONEY.

While I stand there, park card in hand. Like always. Waiting. Ready.

Better still, this particular idiot had to go back to his car (we know he didn’t forget his head, because that was clearly lodged up his ass) and I ended up winning the Race for the Train anyhow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here’s the thing. With that gum-snapping twat, I could’ve moved to another car. I should have.

But there was no avoiding the Heineken dude or the ticket chooch this morning.

I was forced to move out of their way so they could do what they needed to do, even though I clearly had the right of way in both cases.

So here’s the lesson of the today, kiddies: Be grateful for the days when you can escape the idiots, because most of the time they’re completely unavoidable.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Train sounds
I am reading: My guy Steinberg at the Sun-Times
And I am: Grateful

4 comments:

judy said...

I can't stand gum snappers either. It's an annoying sound. Maybe it's also annoying to me because I never learned how to do it and I feel a bit of "snapping envy". :)

Susan said...

Hedy -

An upcoming silver lining - ALL NEXT WEEK you get to roll on into the coveted monthly parking area....swing the White Whale into a spot and stroll to the train.

idiots hurt my brain

the dilf said...

Whatever happened to the Hedy I used to know....who would've turned around and said...

"SHUT THE F*CK UP YOU STUPID C*NT!"

Posolxstvo I said...

I believe that in several states, "gum snapping" is a viable defense in a criminal manslaughter trial. They rule that the manslaughter is then 100% involuntary.

Not sure if Illinois is one of those states.

Probably not.