Alive & well, not dead on the toilet

“WHERE IS SHE?!”

WHEREISSHEWHEREISSHEWHEREISSHE??????

That was me yesterday morning.

Ya know how I call my Mom every morning before the train?

She didn’t answer. Four times I called. No answer.

This is extremely odd for several reasons but mostly because she always tells me when – for whatever reason – she won’t be there in the morning.

She would’ve told me if she wasn’t going to be there.

It’s what she does.
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There is nothing worse than being 350 miles away from your family when there’s a crisis. It’s the only thing I hate about living in Illinois.
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“Hi Anita, it’s Heather.”

Anita is my Mom’s closest friend and a neighbor for 30+ years.

“Have you talked to my Mom this morning? You know how we talk every morning? She’s not answering.”

“Well, you know, she’s probably, as they say, on the pot,” she replied.

This would’ve been very funny if I wasn’t really worried about the location of my Mother, pot or not.

“Call her again in a bit, I’m sure she’ll pick up.”
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“Hi Joan, it’s Heather.”

This is my Mom’s other good friend who has lived right next door for 20+ years.

“Have you talked to my Mom this morning? We usually talk every morning and she’s not answering.”

“Well, you know, she’s probably in the bathroom,” Joan said. “But you’re right, she knows when you call every day. It is strange. Do you want me to go over and check?”

“Would ya please? Then call me back. Thanks so much.”
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If you’re keeping track, both of her friends automatically assumed she was in the bathroom. If you know my Mom, this would’ve been fucking hysterical.

If I wasn’t in Major Freak Out Hedy Ready to Explode mode.
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Not five minutes later, Joan calls back. Your Dad’s car is gone so he must be at work. But she didn’t answer the door and all the blinds are still drawn. That’s not right.”

I jump off the 7:42 seconds before it’s about to leave. Sir Richard sees that I’m stressed out.

“My Mom is MISSING! SHE’S not ANSWERING the PHONE!”

I’m sure he thinks I’ve totally lost my mind but he gives me a really big hug and tells me everything will be fine.
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It’s the whole blinds thing that really scared me. And Joan, too.

Mom is an early person. She can have the entire house cleaned on a Monday morning before the rest of us normal people have taken our collective morning dump.

It’s what she does.

Joan has a key and offers to go over and check. But she’s nervous about finding my Mom dead on the toilet. Or something.

So before sending her over, I make one last call.

“Eric, it’s Hed. Do you know what’s going on with Mom this morning? She’s not answering the phone.”

My brother (who turns 37 today by the way, Happy Birthday, Eric!) calmly informs me that my Dad is not at work today because they both have doctor’s appointments.

Ping.

They’re together. My Mom is not dead. A rush of relief. I quickly call Joan to tell her she doesn’t need to key herself into the house.

She’s relieved, too. Mostly at not having to find my Mom dead on the toilet or something.
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Turns out, my parents did have doctor’s appointments and I knew that, but they were scheduled later in the day.

Turns out, the doctor’s office called them at 7 a.m. to ask if they could come early. They rushed outta the house without taking a moment to open the blinds and that’s the end of the story.

Well, almost.

Around 9:30, my phone rings at work.

“Hi it’s me,” she says, and hearing her voice is the best thing I’ll hear all week. “I’m alive and well, not dead on the toilet!”

“Mom, they both thought you were in the bathroom,” I tell her, laughing.

“I know,” she says, laughing too. “But you wanna know something they don’t know? I bring the phone in the bathroom with me just in case you call.”

I knew that.

Because it’s what she does.
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I am listening to: Apache Indian – Boom Shack-a-Lak
I am reading: Barack again
And I am: So glad it’s Friday