Monday, October 08, 2007

Ions – now with Retsyn!

“Leaves hair frizz-free, shiny and silky smooth.”

“Ball-tipped bristles smooth and detangle without pulling hair.”

Sounds practical enough so far. It’s a hair brush. I wouldn’t expect it to do much beyond that.

But wait, there’s more.

“Tourmaline – 100% crushed gemstones release IONS for intense shine.”

“Use with a blow dryer to increase the benefits of tourmaline-ionic ceramic technology.”

Tourmaline? Ionic? Ceramic?

Who knew hairbrush technology was so advanced? And what rocket scientist discovered this? I wonder if NASA knows.

I toss it into my Target cart half expecting it to explode on impact.
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When did they stop calling them lazy Susans? When did they become turn tables? Did someone named Susan complain? Maybe file a lawsuit?

You put records on a turn table. You put a lazy Susan under your Scrabble board to make it spin, dammit.
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The ions in my new hairbrush remind me of Retsyn.

You remember Certs with Retsyn, don’t you?

A brilliant yet evil marketing campaign in the 80’s.

Certs with a drop of Retsyn was supposed to keep your breath fresher longer.

Nobody actually knew what Retsyn was or what it did.

But everybody bought more Certs because we thought it was something special, something extra powerful that would make our constant battle against ass-breath a little easier.

[Editorial note: The usual Google search turned up nothing but additional sarcastic references to the mysterious Retsyn. If you can find a reliable source that actually knows what it was, please share.]
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And when did they stop calling them throw pillows? Now they’re toss pillows.

Is toss less violent than throw? Who the hell cares, if it’s a pillow?
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Of course thinking about NASA and Retsyn reminds me of Tang.

Remember Tang? The powdered orange instant breakfast drink favored by astronauts (literally) around the globe?

More amazing, insidious marketing.

Here’s little Hedy, the first (and last) time she tried Tang back in elementary school.

“This is what the astronauts drink! Screw you, Kool-Aid! This will make me feel like an astronaut! Where are my moon boots?”

Sip. Ew. Cringe.

“Fuck those silly piss-drinking astronauts. I’m gonna be in marketing.”
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I am listening to: Modest Mouse – Missed the Boat
I am reading: Nothing
And I am: A frizzy space cadet with fresh breath

6 comments:

CRUSTYBEEF said...

the evolution of marketing spoken by the marketing guru!! :)

Change is just another way that marketing agencies use to keep the product the same with a new tangy twist.

Tang! YUCK!
Sunny D? Similar taste, just a different name!
Here's to a great Monday!
Always,
Crusty~

Posolxstvo said...

Retsin I believe is an extract from Corinthian Leather, as used in the Chrysler Cordoba....

S.Ray said...

Here's my story...I'm in the Stock Trading Biz because....

It's the only job offer I received!

Hedy said...

POS: I spit Diet Pepsi on my keyboard laughing. Thanks. At least it wasn't Tang!

And S.Ray: Funny, that's how I got here, too.

Dave said...

Hey, Since you moderate, I can send this to you. Your Email link at Yahoo doesn't work.

I'm in the process of responding to a meme, having been tagged by Christie at fermicat.blogspot.com. The deal is to list your three favorit posts after having cut an pasted those that went before you, and then tag others to carry on. I'd be interested in what your favorit posts are; but, since I've never seen such stuff at you place, I'm not sure whether this kind of thing is something you want to do.

Let me know yea or nay at dave@ratherthanworking.com

Regards,

Dave.

Archduke Chocula said...

Retsin (or rather, Retsyn)is partially hydrogenated cottonseed oil plus copper gluconate. Supposedly it absorbs odors.