Wednesday, June 18, 2008

The ‘b’ word

She mentioned it during dinner, thinking I’d be preoccupied with He’s famous grilled chicken burritos.

But I heard it.

The ‘b’ word.

B – A – T – H.

That spells NO WAY I SMELL JUST FINE.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Confession: I have been a bit smelly lately.

She complains about it – “Gromit’s smelly!” – all the time.

As if I can’t hear. As if I can’t smell what’s going on here. As if I can help it.

She pretends to be Miss Compassionate Love Everyone Liberal but She can be downright insensitive sometimes.

And She says I’m the Best Dog Ever. Ha.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She’s still unemployed, so yesterday She took me to the Place Where I Get My Pooper Poked.

Sure enough, first thing they do? Poke me in the Pooper.

Then She’s all “Have a treat, Gromit!” as if that’s going to make up for being traumatized yet again by the chubby dude in the white coat who smells like cats and claims I could stand to lose 10 lbs. every time he pokes me in the pooper.

The least he could do is scratch the sack where my nuts used to be. The least.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“C’mon, Gromit,” She says.

I hightail it to the kitchen, pretending to search for leftovers in my bowl.

She’s on to me.

“C’mon, Gromit, let’s GO!” She says, proving yet again that She thinks I’m deaf.

Then She pulls the “C’mon, Grommie, let’s go, Grommie, c’mon, we’re going, let’s go, c’mon c’mon c’mon, LET’S GO” and She sounds SO EXCITED that I lose my mind for a moment and chase She upstairs.

Damn She. I quickly come to my senses and Sit.

She pulls on my collar. I lean back.

She pulls harder. I lean harder.

This is kinda fun.

She pushes my butt. I spin around and go through She’s legs and Sit again.

Finally She corners me, strips me naked, and throws me into the bathtub.

Humiliating.

While I’d never admit it, the warm water feels pretty good, post-pooper poke.

I Shake-Shake-Shake several times, making sure She gets as soaking wet as me.

I let She dry me off (it’s the least She can do) and proceed to run around in Crazy Dog mode until my ears are finally dry.

Then She's all "Grommie, you SMELL so GOOD, you're a GOOD DOG and you SMELL so GOOD blah de freakin' blah."

Right. I know another 'b' word.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Jim’s girlfriend Ginger the weather girl on NBC5
I am reading: Nothing, I’m a DOG
And I am: Clean

5 comments:

mAKx said...

att leest yur bg enuf too poot op u fite

mi 'hee' iz lyk 10 tymz mi syz

wen hee sez tha B werd, alz mee (mAKx) kin du iz tuk tayl twen legz en wimpr

miss kitty said...

That is why we have little scratchy tongues to lick ourselves clean.

We NEVER smell bad...even our poop has the aroma of summertime-hung-out-on-the-line-to-dry-sheets.

Meow.

Anonymous said...

And one more thing... what the heck was that pooper poking guy looking for?!
And if he asks, I found his wedding ring!
Sick mother fu...
Gromit

Hedy said...

Poor Makx. Grommie feels your pain.

Miss Kitty: I've smelled cat poop and while it ain't as fragrant as dog poop, the stench of your pee more than makes up for it.

The vet pokes the pooper because of something called "anal glands". Anal glands are 10 times more disgusting than they sound. And they smell worse than Miss Kitty's piss. That's really saying something.

MelO said...

Such a cute post! Grommit did a very good job capturing both the experiences. :)