How to kill an office

Human resources.

Great concept. We’re humans. We need resources.

A human resources manager ought to get that.

An HR manager ought to understand that her role is all about helping us humans do what we were hired to do. It’s about creating and maintaining an environment in which employees can do their best work – a place for all of us to thrive and grow professionally.

So why is it that so many human resources managers are among the most inhuman individuals I’ve ever met?
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Yes, I’m talking about work here. And it could get me into trouble.

But screw it. This shit’s important.
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Once upon a time, a very long time ago, Hedy became a manager.

She was nervous. She had virtually no training. She knew what she liked and didn’t like about being managed, but wasn’t sure how to apply what she knew to the four people who would soon be reporting to her.

So she called her wise friend Bill.

“Here’s the only thing you need to know about being a manager,” he said. “And most people never get this. Your employees don’t work for you. You work for them. That’s all you have to remember and it’ll be fine.”
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Bill was right. It was fine.

It wasn’t about being in charge. It wasn’t about making sure people follow your rules. It was about making it easier for people to do what they do best.

I wish Bill could talk to every new manager on the planet. Especially HR managers.

The world would be a much better place.
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“Ever since they made her HR manager she’s turned into a total bitch,” said someone in some office somewhere in the Chicago Loop.

“She’s so focused on the rules – it’s all black and white with her anymore,” agreed someone’s co-worker at some office somewhere.
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It seems like the whole “I’m a Manager” thing grows exponentially worse when it comes to HR folks, doesn’t it?

Is it because they’re responsible for the employee handbook and all of its inherent rules? Is it the power of knowing and keeping so many corporate secrets that goes to their tiny little HR-impaired brains?
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HR Pet Peeve #1: Lacking the courage to confront one misbehaving employee on his behavior, the HR manager sends out a memo to the entire company.

“Reminder: Employees must not wear ‘My other ride is your mother’ t-shirts to the client site.”

The irony is, the person to whom the memo is directed is completely clueless and doesn’t see anything wrong with wearing his favorite t-shirt to work.

Meanwhile, morale goes down because the rest of us are pissed off at being reminded to use common sense.
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“Fire me,” I said last summer. “Please fire me for wearing flip-flops. That would be AWESOME.”

That was me talking to my manager last summer after ‘someone’ reported that I’d violated company policy by wearing the wrong kind of flip flops to work on a Friday.

My flip flops weren't hurting anyone. But discovering that there's a small-minded shoe Nazi in the office sure hurt morale.
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HR Pet Peeve #2: The very person charged with maintaining employee confidentiality happens to be the biggest gossip in the office.

“Did you know,” she says in an excited whisper to anyone who will listen. “That he’s GAY and he’s married to a GUY?”

More irony: She’ll remind you she’s the HR Manager and tell you you’re making her uncomfortable if you happen to dish a little well-known dirt on a co-worker that everyone hates anyway.
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HR Pet Peeve #3: HR Manager soundly rejects employee’s request to work part-time from home in order to be with her newborn baby.

Irony: When finally, by some ugly miracle of science said HR Manager gives birth, suddenly working from home is okay. What's more, the company’s entire family leave policy is re-engineered for the convenience of the HR Manager and her cute little Nazi spawn.
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I’m not saying all HR Managers are evil. I don’t need to; Dilbert does a great job with that.

But I am saying that HR Managers – hell, all Human Resources professionals – need to understand that they are responsible for making it easier for the rest of us to do our jobs.

Human resources managers need to remember who they work for: All of us human-type resources. Even the flip-flop wearin' rule breaker types.
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I am listening to: Norah Jones
I am reading: Nothing interesting
And I am: Annoyed