Wednesday, June 06, 2007

‘Expert’ follow up

So yesterday morning was the first of two Great Big Hoo Ha events planned by the aforementioned marketing ‘expert’.

Did I mention the ‘expert’ decided at the last minute to not fly in from Denver for this event?

Did I mention we agreed to pay this ‘expert’ $4,000 to develop, launch and manage this campaign?

I got my ass outta bed at 4 a.m. to be on the 5:25 train to arrive at the Sears Tower at 6:30 to set up for the 14 registrants arriving between 7:30 and 8:00.

Got that?

Yes, 14 people. More on that later.
Up until last week, my responsibility on this whole project was limited to securing the venues in Chicago and Minneapolis, which I delegated to our Lovely Assistant.

That was it.

Last week I offered to help by sending out e-mails and make reminder phone calls to the 14 registrants.

Yes, 14 people. More on that later.
The reminders amount to a fairly simple administrative task.

We put Everything You Need to Know about the event in an e-mail: Agenda, location, parking, etc. All the way down to the bring-your-photo-ID-security-is-a-bitch-at-the-Sears-Tower level of detail.

Anything we can do to make it easy on these people to show up. It’s not a big deal, but it helps.

I send out these reminders to the contact information provided by the ‘expert’ for these 14 registrants. Yes, 14.

Six of my messages immediately bounce back. Bad addresses.

This is one of those times when What the Fuck is entirely appropriate.

I contact the ‘expert’ and her assistant to find out WTF is with the bad e-mail addresses. I am provided new data.

Again with the bounced e-mails. Again with the Bad Swears.

I give up on the e-mail and decide to make phone calls.

The first number dialed is a fax number. The next one is wrong. And so on.

Again with the bad data and even Badder Swears.
Typically after sending out reminder e-mails, we get a percentage of Thank you’s and See You Tomorrow’s. We also always, always get a fair amount of Sorry, Can’t Make Its. This is normal.

From the eight e-mails that managed (I’m assuming) to get through to the 14 registrants, I got nothing. No response whatsoever.
“Two. Three? Two,” I think to myself, setting up for the event. “Two people, tops, will show up for this.”

Then I feel guilty for being so pessimistic about this event.

Turns out two, in this case, qualifies as optimistic.

14 people registered.


17 years of marketing and never, ever an event with no attendees.

“We had no-shows,” says my boss to the ‘expert’ on speakerphone later yesterday morning. “And by ‘no-shows’ I mean, no one showed up. No. One.”

You know that scene in Pulp Fiction when John Travolta shoots that black dude in the face and his brains spatter all over the car?

That is what my head felt like when I heard her response:

“Heather was handling the reminders, did you check with her to make sure she did that?” replies the ‘expert’.

Throw me under the bus? Blame me for the fact that out of 14 fucking registrants NOT ONE PERSON SHOWED UP?
Later yesterday, we discovered that 95% of the registrants for both Chicago and Minneapolis were completely fabricated.

The ‘expert’ said she had 14 people registered for Chicago, all of which were bogus. She claimed to have 27 people registered for Minneapolis and 20 of them were fabricated as well.

So if this silly twat is an expert, what the fuck does that make me?

A Marketing Goddess?
I am listening to: Three Days Grace - Pain
I am reading: Bleh, nothing
And I am: A goddess


msmoo1 said...

Well now....that is taking Customer Service to a new level - below ground!! Please, please give me a little warm fuzzy feeling by saying you are either NOT paying them....or getting your money back.


the clem said...

I would say that it makes you..An employee of a firm, who has Morons for managers...Who was the one that said, "We really need to hire this Expert"..??????..Does anyone do their homework over there????...

the Broad is a Fraud!

Is she at least HOT?

Hedy said...

I'm told she did a fabulous job selling herself in advance -- even saying something to the effect that she could "do this in her sleep". It appears that's exactly what she did based on how f'd up this was. I have never met her face to face. But in my opinion even Jessica Alba hot would not compensate.

Dave said...

Twat is legalese for defendant in suit for breach of contract and fraud?


I have to agree with the clem- it sounds to me that the upper crust needs to spend more time with reviewing companies history before broadcasting to everyone in your firm that "the experts have arrived to save the Goddess."
Unreal is right.


one more:

If the circus is coming to town and you paint a sign saying "Circus Coming to the Fairground Saturday," that's advertising. If you put the sign on the back of an elephant and walk it into town, that's promotion. If the elephant walks through the mayor's flower bed, that's publicity. And if you get the mayor to laugh about it, that's public relations. If the town's citizens go the circus, you show them the many entertainment booths, explain how much fun they'll have spending money at the booths, answer their questions and ultimately, they spend a lot at the circus, that's sales & marketing.

Obviously the "Experts" should go back to the peanuts and popcorn of marketing before they venture off into the world of bigdaddies.