‘Expert’ follow up

So yesterday morning was the first of two Great Big Hoo Ha events planned by the aforementioned marketing ‘expert’.

Did I mention the ‘expert’ decided at the last minute to not fly in from Denver for this event?

Did I mention we agreed to pay this ‘expert’ $4,000 to develop, launch and manage this campaign?

I got my ass outta bed at 4 a.m. to be on the 5:25 train to arrive at the Sears Tower at 6:30 to set up for the 14 registrants arriving between 7:30 and 8:00.

Got that?

Yes, 14 people. More on that later.
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Up until last week, my responsibility on this whole project was limited to securing the venues in Chicago and Minneapolis, which I delegated to our Lovely Assistant.

That was it.

Last week I offered to help by sending out e-mails and make reminder phone calls to the 14 registrants.

Yes, 14 people. More on that later.
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The reminders amount to a fairly simple administrative task.

We put Everything You Need to Know about the event in an e-mail: Agenda, location, parking, etc. All the way down to the bring-your-photo-ID-security-is-a-bitch-at-the-Sears-Tower level of detail.

Anything we can do to make it easy on these people to show up. It’s not a big deal, but it helps.

I send out these reminders to the contact information provided by the ‘expert’ for these 14 registrants. Yes, 14.

Six of my messages immediately bounce back. Bad addresses.

This is one of those times when What the Fuck is entirely appropriate.

I contact the ‘expert’ and her assistant to find out WTF is with the bad e-mail addresses. I am provided new data.

Again with the bounced e-mails. Again with the Bad Swears.

I give up on the e-mail and decide to make phone calls.

The first number dialed is a fax number. The next one is wrong. And so on.

Again with the bad data and even Badder Swears.
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Typically after sending out reminder e-mails, we get a percentage of Thank you’s and See You Tomorrow’s. We also always, always get a fair amount of Sorry, Can’t Make Its. This is normal.

From the eight e-mails that managed (I’m assuming) to get through to the 14 registrants, I got nothing. No response whatsoever.
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“Two. Three? Two,” I think to myself, setting up for the event. “Two people, tops, will show up for this.”

Then I feel guilty for being so pessimistic about this event.

Turns out two, in this case, qualifies as optimistic.

14 people registered.

NOT ONE PERSON SHOWED UP.

17 years of marketing and never, ever an event with no attendees.

Never.
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“We had no-shows,” says my boss to the ‘expert’ on speakerphone later yesterday morning. “And by ‘no-shows’ I mean, no one showed up. No. One.”

You know that scene in Pulp Fiction when John Travolta shoots that black dude in the face and his brains spatter all over the car?

That is what my head felt like when I heard her response:

“Heather was handling the reminders, did you check with her to make sure she did that?” replies the ‘expert’.

Throw me under the bus? Blame me for the fact that out of 14 fucking registrants NOT ONE PERSON SHOWED UP?
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Later yesterday, we discovered that 95% of the registrants for both Chicago and Minneapolis were completely fabricated.

The ‘expert’ said she had 14 people registered for Chicago, all of which were bogus. She claimed to have 27 people registered for Minneapolis and 20 of them were fabricated as well.

So if this silly twat is an expert, what the fuck does that make me?

A Marketing Goddess?
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I am listening to: Three Days Grace - Pain
I am reading: Bleh, nothing
And I am: A goddess