Hell hath no sense

“Who is that caterwauling SHREW?” I ask Jim and Gromit snoring next to me on the couch during SNL a couple months ago.

Of course they didn’t hear me.

But their slumbering rumblings sounded way better than what was coming outta the TV, so I muted the shrew until the song mercifully ceased.

Turns out it was Carrie Underwood – dressed like White Trash Whore Exhibit A – wailing about her Cheatin’ Man.

Have you heard this song yet? It’s a lovely, heart-warming tune about one woman’s mature, intelligent and stable response to her man’s infidelities.

She keys the outside of his car. She pokes holes in his tires and leather seats. And she busts out his headlights with a baseball bat.

It’s real catchy if you’re into the Woman Scorned brand of psychotic rage.

And the chorus? Priceless.

"Maybe next time he'll think before he cheeeeeaaaaaats!"
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Have we forgotten the Don Imus Ho Incident?

White people everywhere were Outraged. It went a little something like this:

“Rappers sing about violence and drugs! They sing about hos and bitches! We should be able to sing about hos and bitches, too!”

Where’s all that White Outrage over Carrie Underwood’s song?

Is it okay for her to wail about breaking the law because she’s a not-so-nappy-headed cute Southern white girl?
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C’mon, Hedy. No man’s ever cheated on you?

Of course.

Well, wait. I’m assuming.

I never actually caught any of my myriad dudes en flagrant delicto.

But odds are good it happened.

Here’s my take (and girlfriends, it should be yours, too):

I am the best thing that will ever happen to this man. If he’s cheating, he’s obviously ignorant of that fact and no longer worthy of my time or attention.

And he damn sure ain’t worth the whole arrest/jail/unwelcome lesbian encounter/early parole for good behavior thing.
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I am not offended by Underwood’s song so much as troubled by what it is teaching the next generation of impressionable young women.

How about having a little dignity? How about eating a half gallon of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey in one sad sitting, and then channeling all that hurt pride and damaged self-esteem into something positive like a kick-boxing class?

How about remembering that living well is the best revenge?

It also bugs me that the song just assumes this is a reasonable reaction if you find your man screwing around.

We chicks get enough crap over being hormonally impaired 25% of the time. We certainly don’t need one of our own promoting our psychotic tendencies in song.

Now I’m just waiting for Keith Urban to respond with a song titled “Maybe next time I’ll think before marrying a psychotic, insecure, controlling bitch.”

Now that's a song I’d sing along with.
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I am listening to: Hedy’s Classic Country Mix
I am reading: Press releases
And I am: A good-hearted woman