Train hero

“So CATHY, IF YOU COULD PLEASE GIVE ME A CALL BACK or STOP BY THE HOUSE, I’D APPRECIATE IT. My NUMBER is 708-632-####.”

This is the third phone call we, on the 2:30 train home, have endured from the Loud, Large and In Charge Marge sitting up top in the second car.

And the train hasn’t even left the station yet.

I shoot her The Glare twice, but she’s too busy testing the limits of her patently prodigious lungs to notice.

She belts out her phone number and address – and I’m waiting to jot down her credit card information when suddenly, a man wearing headphones two seats ahead does something I’ve never seen in three years of commuting.

He gets up, walks back, and in a surprisingly quiet voice asks her to lower her voice.

She glares up at him with mean brown eyes. I can see what’s coming but am still surprised at what she says.

“THAT IS FOR MORNING COMMUTERS,” she yells. “I AM TALKING IN A NORMAL VOICE AND YOU’RE BEING RUDE.”

It appears that Train Hero isn’t expecting that response, either, because he stops short and stands up just a little bit taller.

“We do not want to hear your personal conversations,” he says calmly. “Please be considerate of others on this train.”

“THIS IS A PUBLIC PLACE AND I CAN TALK IF I WANT AND YOU ARE BEING RUDE,” she yells. Again.

“See that man over there?” he asks, pointing to the dude behind me whispering into his mobile. “He’s on the phone, too, but we can’t hear him. Please use your indoor voice when you’re on the phone.”

“I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE BOTHERING ME LIKE THIS,” still with the yelling, this hefty one.

Train Hero finally gives up and sits back down. Loud Marge proceeds to talk on the phone even louder.

“YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE WHAT I’M DEALING WITH HERE,” she says to someone we can only presume is completely deaf. “PEOPLE ARE SO RUDE!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You’ve heard this before: I don’t tell people to shut up on the train because I am afraid of the response.

I’ll take having my ears temporarily blown out by some loudmouth fuck-ass over having my brains permanently blown out by some psychotic, loudmouth fuck-ass.

You just never know what might happen. Case in point follows.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Inspired by the Train Hero’s courage, I decide to throw caution to the wind blowing outta her yap-hole and take action.

“Excuse me, ma’am?” I say, smiling.

She turns her head and glares with those brown beady meanies.

Pointing at the Train Hero, I say: “I agree with him. Please lower your voice.”

“DITTO!” someone instantly yells from two seats behind me.

“Yeah, stop talking so loud!” chimes in another.

It was a truly beautiful moment.

“That’s three people who agree with me,” says Train Hero, grinning in vindicated glory.

She finally shut up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“It would’ve been great if everyone would’ve clapped at that point,” says Jim later that day.

What would’ve been great is if the story ended there.

But it doesn’t.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A few minutes after our beautiful Brotherhood of the Train Solidarity Moment, we hear it: An unmistakable wail.

She’s not crying is she? She is. She’s crying. On the train.

And of course, it’s Loud.

Unbelievable.

She was wrong and now she’s CRYING?

Train Hero glances over, mirroring my disbelief.

It gets louder. Unbelievably louder.

People sitting five rows up are looking back and – get this – they’re smiling.

Suddenly all of us are smiling at each other.

I think but don’t say: “Excuse me, ma’am? Could ya do us a favor and go back to the loud talking? Way better. Seriously.”

Loud, Large and now discharged Marge realizes she’ll get no sympathy from this tough train crowd.

She gets up out of her seat and stops in front of Train Hero.

“YOU-DON’T-UNDERSTAND-I’M-STRESSED-I’M-HAVING-SURGERY.”

Heh?

I think but don’t say: “Gettin' a lung reduction, honey?”

At this point, I can’t help but let out a nervous giggle.

“YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT IN PRINCIPLE BUT…” she says, trailing off.

As she sniffles and shuffles her way down the aisle in search of the train car designated for crazy, loudmouth fuck-asses, we of the 2:30 Train Brotherhood share one more moment together and breathe a collective sigh of relief.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Blessed silence on the train
I am reading: Nineteen Minutes – Jodi Picoult
And I am: Kinda giggly over the whole thing