Thursday, June 14, 2007

Never is a long time

Walking under the Opera House portico after lunch, I see a woman with a large tattoo on her left breast.

“I would never do that,” I think.

Quick. Don’t think. Just answer.

What is one thing you’d never do?
In an informal and completely unscientific HedyBlog survey, here’s what you said (in order received):

A barbwire tattoo around my arm
Man on man
No body piercing
Go to a nude beach
Pose naked
Have gay sex
Kiss men
Sell crack to kids
Let a man fuck me up the ass (“But I’d let a woman do it”)
Kiss a man on the lips
Cheat on my husband (“Not that I’ve thought about it or anything”)
Child molestation
Be a cross country truck driver
Respond to a blog survey
Buy a pretentious gas guzzling luxury SUV
Vote Democrat
Have sex with a man other than my husband
Commit suicide (two people said this)
Have an affair
Touch a snake
Stop loving my children
Hey, no offense, Tattoo Booby Loop Woman.

I wasn’t judging you. Really.

I am so glad we live in a country where you can tattoo your left breast and then expose nearly the whole damn thing to the public in front of as refined an institution as the Chicago Opera House on a Wednesday afternoon.

Never is a long time.

And I’m guessing if you found yourself in a life or death/me or him situation, you could kill someone. If you weren’t too busy shitting your pants of course.

The same with stealing. Jean Valjean is a classic character because he’s us. If we had to, we’d steal bread to feed our hungry children, too.

The fact is, we all say never but we don't really know, do we?
How do the things we’d never do define us? What do these things tell us about ourselves? Are these our biggest fears?

And isn’t it interesting that most of these confessed Nevers involve our bodies? Unwelcome sexual encounters. Exposure. Mutilation/alteration.
Here are a few things I’d never do (in no particular order):

Go to a strip club
Eat a bug or worm
Get divorced
Have sex with a woman
Shoot a deer
Of course I was more than a little amused (and not at all surprised) at how many of the things you say you’d never do that I’ve already done.

By the way, here’s one more thing you’ll never do: Find out the things I’ve done that you claim you’ll never do.
I am listening to: NBC 5 News
I am reading: Three Cups (vowing to finish it this weekend)
And I am: Never telling


marathon man said...

ok....I loved those answers and we definitely have some "players" and some "duds"...but we all need some clarification from the man/female that said "I'd Never Let a man F me up the A (but I'd let a woman do it)....that just made my mind spiral outta control!!!!!
IF...and I mean IF you are a woman, I'm callin you a G*nder R*cist!..and guys like me want/deserve an equal opportunity chance at your back door!:)

phatdoggy said...

Since you're not telling what you've already done, I'm guessing!

You... sold crack to kids in order to buy a pretentious, gas guzzling luxury SUV so you could drive across the country pretending to be a truck driver... while shoplifting all the way. And I'm guessing you've kissed men, too!

-Mr. Uk

DewMama said...

My kids' answers to your question--

Brianna, age 14: Eat a bug
Aaron, age 11: Bungeejump
Collier, age 8: Wrestle a bear
Declan, age 5: Go in the deep end without a life jacket

Dave said...

I'm not tellin' neither.

Mom said...

Like the old saying goes, never say never.But I can honestly say that I would never cheat on my husband. Only if he cheated on me first,but then I wouldn't cheat on him, I would just kill him.