Monday, November 05, 2007

Troubling news

Yes, Musharraf has imposed emergency rule, suspended the Constitution, and arrested hundreds of Pakistani protesters.

Oil is heading for $100 a barrel.

But let’s take a moment to talk about troubling news from the wondrous world of snack cakes: The death of the Ding Dong.

Yes, folks, the Hostess Ding Dong is dead.

It’s dead to me anyway. Dead, I say.

Ever since Saturday and the discovery that they’re no longer wrapped in foil.
Here’s the deal: When Jim is outta town I’m like a combination of Tom Cruise in Risky Business, that irritating child from Home Alone, and your worst college roommate.

Without the prostitutes.

I basically dance around in my underwear and eat really bad food the whole time he's gone.
Ding Dongs, Hedy? Why Ding Dongs?

I can’t remember why – it was two or three weeks ago – Ding Dongs came up at lunch with a friend.

Since then, I’ve had Ding Dongs on the brain.

Ding Dongs used to be called King Dongs. I remember this.

Then someone with a very dirty mind decided dong sounded too much like dick. So they re-named that delicious flat orb of chocolaty goodness King Don.

I remember thinking Who the Hell is King Don? And where did his Dong go?

So then they switched over to Ding Dong, which is fairly innocuous and only occasionally confused with Ding-a-Ling.

Still, it’s all very confusing because the Ding Dong is shaped like a hockey puck.

Twinkies. Twinkies – those diminutive yellow phallic cakes – shoulda been Ding Dongs.

I open the box. Slowly.

Like Charlie Bucket in Willy Wonka (the original, not the creepy Johnny Depp as Michael Jackson pedophile remake), expecting to see a friendly and familiar flash of silver.

I’m met with nothing but travesty. Little white plastic-wrapped travesties.

This makes me sad. Who knows what’s in that puffed out white plastic? It could be anything. And they look just like these.

I am traumatized and seriously consider boycotting the box, leaving it in the cupboard Forever.
"Ding Dongs?! What are you going to do with them?" Jim asks all the way from Greece.

"Not much - they're no longer wrapped in foil," I say, trying not to cry.

"Well I was always a Hostess Cupcake fan myself. You'd pull the frosting off and eat that first..."

Yep. He's on the other side of the world and we're talking snack cakes. This is what love does.
Ding Dongs are wrapped in foil so you can eat two or three of them – enough to create a large ball of foil to flick at your younger brother’s forehead.

That’s the only reason they’re wrapped in foil.

You can’t crinkle up a white plastic wrapper and flick it at your younger brother’s forehead.

First of all, it won’t flick. It will just fall to the floor. Or if the wind is right, it might glance his shoulder without doing any serious damage.
Confession: I consider unwrapping the Ding Dong and re-wrapping it in foil for nostalgia’s sake. Of course Reynolds "Quality Aluminum Foil" Wrap is a completely different grade of foil altogether and simply will not work.
After a few hours of pouting, I succumb to the Ding Dong.

“You always do.”


It was curiosity more than anything – a burning need to know if foil-free Ding Dongs taste different. Like Coke in plastic versus glass bottles.

Since I haven’t had a Ding Dong in Forever (obviously, since I was oblivious to the missing foil situation), I can only go on memory.

I take a semi-reluctant bite. It’s the same chocolaty hard frosted outside I remember from my childhood. The same creamy, cakey inside.

But it just doesn’t taste as good without the foil.

It tasted . . .flat. And un-fun.
Yes, I realize the world is in some serious shit right now and devoting an entire entry to Ding Dongs borders on insanity.

But we can’t depend on much in this ever-changing world. And after all we’ve been through since 9/11 I don’t think it’s too much, goddammit, too much to ask for a fucking foil-wrapped Ding Dong.
I am listening to: King Harvest – Dancing in the Moonlight
I am reading: Nothing
And I am: Traumatized


Posolxstvo said...

I was always a lot more of a fan of the foil wrapped Ho-Ho's. I'm not sure why, but the cylindrical silver shaped treat just looked cool.

If they're not wrapped in foil, I don't want to know.

And do you remember Jiffy Pop popcorn? The commercials always made it look like a giant Ho-Ho rising up from the stove. Imagine my disappointment when my mother finally got it for us and it turned out to be popcorn...

Hedy said...

The image of a crestfallen little Pos poised at the stove was enough to give me a good belly laugh. We had Jiffy Pop once in the house - just once. My father is a popcorn purist and that gimmicky crap never cut it with him. Ahhh, Coke in a glass bottle and fresh popped popcorn with real butter...

Mom said...

Speaking of popcorn, Dad almost had a breakdown because we couldn't buy his favorite popcorn from Amazon anymore. But when I checked back the other day, they had it. I ordered three cases, and Dad now has his smile back.

Posolxstvo said...

In the store today, I almost bought a box of Ho Hos but somehow held myself back. A shelf away, I caught sight of a box of Ring Dings, and nearby a box of Yodels.

And I was confused.

Yodel/HoHo/Ring Ding/King Don/Dong Kings/Ding Dong/Ding a Ling....

Who names this shit anyway. And what, do they think we're all a bunch of fucking 2 year olds?

Johnny Virgil said...

you need ring dings. Not ding dongs. Still in foil, still look like a hockey puck last time I looked.