Wednesday, May 17, 2006


Okay kiddies, today we are adding ‘O-Riffic’ to everything.

It makes even the most unpleasant things sound kinda fun.

C’mon, try it.

Remember when I said I wasn’t against much?

That’s not entirely true.

Turns out I do in fact have some hard and fast rules which, when followed, have made my life easier over the years.

Heather’s Rules for Life:

No littering
No eating desserts with the words ‘bread’ or ‘pudding’
No buying or driving German cars
No attending or hosting home shopping parties
No putting someone on hold to take another call
No bowling
No attending weddings I don't believe in
No talking on mobile phones in public
These are your only rules? What about lying, cheating and stealing? How about no killing?

Well, at my age those things ought to be a given, don’t you agree?

Just like the Catholic Church, these are just a few rules to supplement the basic commandments and make my life a little more pleasant.

Littering is the #1 rule and my favorite because it’s the only one I’ve never actually broken. That crying Indian dude really got to me when I was a kid. And yes, back then he was an Indian goddammit.
There are exceptions to these rules, of course.

If I end up in Hell (it could happen) it will be a home shopping party where I am forced to eat bad snacks with women I don’t know while buying over-priced shit that I don’t need for all eternity.

However, I recently attended a home party that was quite lovely: the snacks were good, the chicks were fun and I bought moderately priced jewelry that I actually like and wear.

Big Thanks to my dear friend Judy for changing my mind on this one.
Now that I think about it the Home Shopping Party in Hell also would involve bread or rice pudding for dessert.

Dessert is chocolate.

It’s mousse. Or cookies. Or cake.

It’s not some bullshit main dish dressed up with a little cinnamon to make it seem like dessert.
Have you done it? Have you added ‘O-Riffic’ yet?

Do it at least once today and I promise – just like my polka-dot underwear and that song by James Taylor – it’ll put you in a good mood.
I am reading: Sales & Marketing Status Reports
I am listening to: Garbage – You Look So Fine
And I am: Hed-O-Riffic!


the dilf said...

you are an emotional freak show!!


Anonymous said...

what the fuck is wrong with bowling?