Thursday, August 30, 2007

Human maintenance

"Your uterus is inflamed."

That was my chiropractor this morning, jabbing tiny needles into my ears.

"Your ears are a road map to your whole body," he continues. "And yours are saying inflamed uterus."

It was a morning for human maintenance: A visit to my regular doc for the annual girlie check-up. And then to the chiropractor for some much-needed bone crunchery.

My regular doctor had, shall we say, first-hand knowledge of the whole uterus situation but didn't mention inflammation. She recommended blood tests for irregularities that she wouldn't have known about if I hadn't told her.

But my chiropractor - who rightfully has never seen me in anything less than head-to-toe hospital scrubs - somehow knows about the uterus en fuego situation.

I had a mini-proud moment with the regular doctor.

"Your HPV test came back negative so you're on the three year plan for Paps," she says.

"Is HPV common?" I ask, proud of my HPV-free status, but wanting more.

"Yes," she says. "Very."

There's nothing quite like a squeaky clean coochie to make you feel extra-special-good about yourself.
"Accupuncture will help," says my chiropractor. "It'll straighten out this hormone issue."

I like my regular doctor. She's smart and practical.

But I love love love my chiropractor. When no one else can fix me, he can.

I lost count on the needles. Three in each foot. One in each ankle. Four in my stomach. I don't know how many in each hand. Plus the ears.

After about 15 minutes on the table, you begin to feel...flattened out. That's the best way to describe it. Flat and smoothed out and mellow. Extremely mellow.
"Go ahead, say it, she's your real doctor."

That was my chiropractor again.

"I never said that," I say, defending myself. "She's my regular doctor. You're my real doctor."

My regular doctor recommended one needle - drawing blood.

My real doctor recommended dozens of needles and somehow I know he's on the right track.
I am listening to: The washer winding up in the spin cycle
I am reading: Happy Trotter - Book 4
And I am: Relaxed


phatdoggy said...

You probably feel flat because the chiropractor deflated you with all those damn needles!

Congrats on the clean hooha. Be proud... say it loud?

Dave said...

I hesitate to be serious, OK, I'm over my hesitation.

Chiropractors, to my mind have no business saying what your "real" doctor said. Muscle ache? Fine. Biological stuff, go see and rely on your regular doctor (by the way what kind of professional would try to guilt you into relying on him?).

A story to bolster my opinion:

My Mother was diagnosed with Waggoner's Granulomatosis (phonetic spelling). It is a disease that attacks mucus membranes, eventually turning them into granular structures and killing you.

Someone discovered that Cy-toxin, a cancer drug could arrest the progression, not cure it, stop it for awhile. Then you had to take the Cy-toxin again.

My Mom used to go to a Chiropractor. I was visiting and she showed me his "treatment plan" for her disease (and to reduce her need for insulin, though he didn't have the balls to say he could cure her of diabetes) which would result in her not needing to take Cy-toxin.

My mother was a wonderful person; but, she wasn't sophisticated, learned or any other similar things. She showed me the papers because she wanted me to know that she wouldn't have to go through the periodic treatments for the disease.

It was one of the first times in our lives that I became the "parent." After a long talk, I convinced here that her disease could not be cured by three times a week manipulation and that she would have to continue with the drug when the disease flared up.

I wrote the chiropractor a letter that among other things said that if he ever attempted to communicate with her again he would have to deal with me in my lawyer persona and if that didn't work with me in person.

He lost a patient, and I saved a parent.

My apologies if I'm being offensive, but I feel pretty strongly about this stuff. I have a friend that is a chiropractor; but, he knows the limits of his therapy. He gets an hurt look when the exploits of his colleagues come up occasionally in conversations.

Hedy said...

Dave! You should know by now that you couldn't possibly offend me. I love my chiropractor, but I will ALWAYS go to my regular doctor for the Really Scary Important Stuff. Like blood tests to find out what's going on with me - beyond my chiropractor's ear-map assessment. I am a believer in chiropractic because it fixed my back/neck/ribs when conventional medicine wanted to mask the pain. I actually had one ER doctor say (after hours of expensive tests): "Well, we can't figure out what's wrong with you, so I'm going to give you morphine so you won't be in pain when you leave. Otherwise, I'm not doing my job." I believe that long-term chiropractic care can help prevent serious health problems - but I also believe that chiropractic alone can't necessarily UNDO serious damage and it certainly can't completely cure serious diseases, like what your Mom had. Bless you for being a good son and a strong advocate for your Mom. And thank you for sharing. I was hoping I'd get this sort of response.


ahhh, I love acupunture...doesn't help with smoking cessation, but the overall feeling is truly, well, just ahhhhhhhh..

here's to hoping your uterus deflates herself in a timely fashion!! :)

Have a great Labor day! Drinks by the Pool?

Posolxstvo said...

I have a friend who goes to chiropracters exclusively for medical care. She is a loon in a few other ways as well.

Homeopathic care is a big thing in the little enclave in which I live. Stub a toe, and fifty people will hold out Arnica to you.

The whole debate on whether or not to innoculate? You should see the looks I get from people when I tell them that I support innoculation.

I have no problem with "Alternative" holistic healing options, and I have seen plenty of "real" doctors who don't seem to grasp the meaning of "First do no harm." (Ask me about the scar on my lip from when I got my wisdom teeth out sometime.) Sometimes alternatives are necessary, or a wonderful supplement.

But I am an empiricist, a believer in science. My mother was an RN. My father a biochemist. It's in my blood. Mrs. P would love to get me to a chiropracter, but I have so far successfully resisted.

But I have this crick in my neck, and my real doctor wants to send me to physical therapy at $50 a pop, three times a week....