Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Next time we're handing out soap, goddammit

"Did you hear him?" says co-worker Josh standing in our booth. "He doesn't even trade."

"Yeah, and did you smell him? Apparently he doesn't shower either."
That's the absolute worst thing about trade shows: Germs.

I'm not necessarily the Queen of Clean.

Okay wait. I am. Sorta.

Not house cleaning clean. Hand cleaning clean.

We're talking incessant, maniacal hand washing 697 times a day combined with anxiety attacks if I'm ever too far from my favorite disinfectant hand wipes.

So a trade show where I'm shaking hands with hundreds of filthy strangers who have either a) just peed all over their hands in the bathroom, b) picked their nose, c) pulled something gross outta their ear, or d) ALL OF THE ABOVE just scares the LIVING CRAP OUTTA ME.
The Purell hand wipes have alcohol in them so if it's winter time and your hands are cracked and bleeding due to - I don't know - a rather serious Lady MacBeth complex, they're gonna sting like a motherfucker.

Wet Ones are generally good but they have that funky baby wipe smell to them, like they're just waiting for a big smelly yellow splotch of kid shit to truly fulfill their life's purpose.

What about liquid hand sanitizer? No, no, no. It just feels...wrong. Vaguely sticky and not entirely clean. If I'm putting gook on my hands and then rubbing them together, well, now all I'm left with are some semi-clean germs on my paws and that's no good, is it? It's all about the wipe for me.

That's why I've found the Kleenex brand Splash 'n Go wipes are best. They smell nice and don't have alcohol so no burning/drying, leaving you with good clean hands.

So where were we? Ah, right. Trade shows.

Filled with nothing but filthy little dirty-fingered freaks. Stay away if at all possible.

And don't forget to wash your hands.
I am listening to: Songbird - Fleetwood Mac
I am reading: This article by Chez Pazienza - read it
And I am: Dry and rather cracked


phatdoggy said...

Did you consider applying for a job selling Kleenex Splash 'n Wipes? After your given scenario, I'm all in.

And $10 says the dilf has something to say about you rubbing gook in your hands.


Perhaps you could just start bumping knuckles with the notsoclean freaks at the trade shows next time???

...course then you run the risk of someone calling you Howie Mandel.
I like you with hair on your head, thank you very much!

Elizabeth ;)

Susan said...

I am all over buying the Hedy endorsed Splash 'n Wipes...

this could be your niche!


Anonymous said...

I too am paranoid about GERMS! I always have a bottle of Purell within arms reach. In tests,Purell was the only liquid that actually killed most germs as compared to store brands. I'm still not satisfied with just rubbing my hands with it though. Maybe I should switch to your Splash'n Wipes. I work with one guy whom I have caught with his finger up the bugholes. Another thinks he's a lumberjack! He pinches his nostrils, builds up about 200 psi,and then lets go. A slimey, snotty stream emits at about 120 mph. One of the sickest acts known to man. The 2 guys are some of the nicest people I have ever met. I love them both. But sonavabitch! I surely won't miss their disgusting habits when I leave their company shortly. Germs,Germs,Germs! They're everywhere.
I make no apologies for my speling, gramer, and punkshuashun. I kwiw yjir cin fugiar ti oht.

Posolxstvo said...

A buddy of mine manufacturers towelettes of all kinds - I wonder if you could strike up a deal with him.

But here's my question -- if you had out soap, isn't it too late then? And there's surely no gurantee that anyone will use it... (trust me, it's worth it)

fm said...

the only thing i can say about this is that Purell hurts like a 'biaatch' when not used on the hands.... actually made me shout that word out over and over again.

luckily it dries quickly and the effect wears off when washed with water.