Monday, February 25, 2008

Saying no to CFLs

This could spark controversy, but I am taking a stand against the new eco-friendly compact fluorescent light (CFL) bulbs.

For shame, Hedy. Don't you care about the environment?

Hell yes, I care about the environment.

But I care more about MY environment.

Have you heard? These new-fangled fluorescents last up to 15 times longer than regular bulbs.

Terrible. TERRIBLE news for domestically challenged chicks like me, who clean light fixtures only when forced into it by burnt bulbs.

You know what I’m talking about. Admit it.

You flip the switch and hear that unmistakable metallic POP! You piss and moan about it for at least two weeks, coming up with creative ways to cope. You play Sock Surprise every morning, hoping that the two dark strangers you yank from the drawer are at least in the same region of the rainbow. The flashlight becomes your best friend; you spend so much time together that you name him Pablo and thank him every day for keeping you from peeing in the dark.

Wait. Maybe not that last part. Who names a flashlight Pablo?

Anyhoo.

Finally, after you’ve clipped your toe nails, cleaned the dryer lint thingy, and organized the dog toys by color, texture and spit saturation, there’s just no more avoiding the light bulb change. The lowliest of chores.

So you bust out the stepladder. You contemplate the wattage, doing your very best Jedi mind trick (thesearethebulbsI'mlookingfor), willing the burnt bulb above to be whatever random replacement you scrounged from the cupboard. 25? 60? 150? You curse that sonovabitch Thomas Edison and his whore of a mother just because it feels so good.

You loosen the screws holding the fixture in place, careful not to spill.

Careful not to spill, Hed?

Yes. Careful not to spill the bug carcasses on your head.

And THAT’S WHY we’ll NEVER screw a CFL bulb into a socket in our house.

SCREW CFLs, I say. Screw 'em. And their whore mothers, too.

Just think of the bug carcass carnage after 15,000 hours of light. A crunchy crust of corpses would block the light long before the bulb ever blew.

So I am saying a hearty NO THANK YOU to CFLs. And if you really care about my environment, you will…oh, never mind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: NBC Sunday Night News
I am reading: With Pablo
And I am: Dirty silly

9 comments:

CRUSTYBEEF said...

Odd, I have our porch light out, our kitchen cabinet light out, the back flood lights, yep, out, and this morning as BDD attempted to get dressed, turning on the closet light, yep, POP..that one's out too.
DAMN IT! I do hate changing light bulbs, and never know the wattage, but haven't yet had a bug problem because I burn electricity with those awful sonic bug plug ins..

Your post sounds a LOT like my life as a mom, but with much more "energy" to it! :)

Happy Monday!
Bah to bulbs,give me solar!

Sincerely,
E~

Posolxstvo said...

Do they flicker? A flickering fluorescent bulb will not last long in my presence. Not at all.

the dilf said...

You Hedy...are a lazy bum!
When you don't exercise, you get lazy. My guess is that you haven't been working out.
1st of all...do it for yourself. You'll feel and look better. Yesterday, I cleaned the garage, the furnace room, the vacuum bag and did my taxes. I feel Great!
2nd of all...do it for Jim. He deserves a Hot Milf! There's nothing better than coming home from a hard days work, and then nailing your Hot Wife!!!:)

Hedy said...

DILF! You cleaned the garage, the furnace room, the vacuum AND did your taxes on a SUNDAY? How did you find the energy to nail your hot wife? Seriously. There's lazy and then there's nuts. You are nuts. By the way, I worked out, cleaned the house, did laundry, AND wrote the blog a day early. ANYTHING to avoid changing that damn light bulb.

molly gras said...

Here, here!! Write blog ~ bang husband ~ avoid bug carcasses ... sound like nicely ordered priorities to me!

Susan said...

Hedy -

Be careful now - just because Dilf says that he "cleaned the garage, the furnace room, the vacuum bag and did my taxes"...doesn't necessarily mean that he REALLY did those things.

It could all be "Dilf code" for bizarre sexual encounters.

mounters

phatdoggy said...

I don't like those CFL bulbs anyway. I bought a handful when they were on sale at MyNard's, tried a few, and thought they made the house look like a dungeon. They cast a dim, eerie, glow. I prefer my somewhat pricey Reveal bulbs from Good Enough, more commonly referred to as GE. A neighbor has some that cast a blue, psycho-killer glow throughout the house. From outside... it looks like it's always Halloween.

And what the mercury in those things! We may save the Earf by using less energy, but we'll destroy the inhabitants with mercury poisoning.

Dave said...

Two words: duct tape. The little bug(gers) can't get in if you seal it off, not that I do. And just how do some of them, given their size get in?

And, the salvation of bathroom lights, there are usually four. Everything works just fine with only two, trust me, I've tried it.

Finally, taxes in February? Two months left before your have to file for an extension!

Dave said...

I have got to start spell checking comments.