Friday, May 02, 2008

Jesus H. Christ in a rocketship

They're at it again.

Evangelical Christians are attempting to predict when Christ the Cuddly-Wuddly Savior is coming back.

Best of all: The latest prediction is based on actual data from NASA.

Whew. It's SCIENTIFIC, so it must be right. Right?

According to the WorldNet Daily news site, Mark Biltz from El Shaddai Ministries 'logged onto NASA's eclipse website which provides precision tracking of the celestial events.'

Through extensive research on the NASA website, Biltz discovered 'a rare string of lunar and solar eclipses' that could herald the return of Jesus in 2015.

The article fails to mention that the Biblical calendar is based on lunar and solar cycles, so of course certain celestial events occasionally coincide with major religious holidays.

This ain't science, folks.

And any hope that Mr. Biltz might have gleaned some logic or reason from his brief stint on the NASA site was all but hysterically obliterated by this additional silliness:

When he was questioned about the Bible story where Christ compares the world to ten virgins waiting for the arrival of their bridegroom and utters the famous line 'ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh' (Matthew 25:13), Biltz insisted that the quote be examined in its proper context.

"When He says you don't know the day or the hour, He's speaking to the foolish virgins, not the wise virgins," he explained.

Ahhhh. Of course.

So, kiddies, if you really want to know when Christ is coming back, forget NASA.

Just ask a wise virgin. If you can find one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Like a Virgin - Madonna
I am reading: The Washington Post's Fact Checker Blog
And I am: A foolish whore

11 comments:

the dilf said...

I'm a virgin.

Ask me!

Dave said...

You got all the way to May this year without cuddly wuddly and the picture.

Hedy said...

Dave! You missed him, didn't you? Ain't he cute? He's Cuddly-Wuddly Christ!

Anonymous said...

What’s so special about virgins? And what is a virgin anyway? And why do people make such a big deal over them?

Can one BECOME a virgin somehow? For instance if I wanted to become a virgin, and I’m not saying I do, but if I did, what would I have to do? Is there some sort of special initiation you have to go through to become a virgin? Is there a special handshake or something?

Now that I think about it a bit, I've heard that cocktails, olive oil, wool and even steel can be virgins... so why not me for Christ sake?

I once heard someone say that they lost …and it probably wasn’t Hedy because she’s to smart to lose anything… but I once heard someone once say that they LOST their virginity… so does that mean if I FIND it then I get to be a virgin?

Come on! I'm so confused. Give it to me straight! I can handle it! How do I get to be a virgin! I WANT TO BE A VIRGIN! I WANT TO BE A VIRGIN! I WANT TO BE A VIRGIN!

Gromit

Dave said...

I have to admit, I did smile broadly when I clicked on to the post.

Hedy said...

Grommie! Good news: Technically, I think you are still a virgin. Although what you do to your blanket when you think nobody's looking tells me that you're willing to give it up, in spite of your 'lack of equipment'. That said, your good buddy Max is coming to stay next weekend, so if you'd like to give it a go it'll be a perfect opportunity. Not sayin' you're gay or anything...not that there's anything wrong with it...anyhow. Seriously, I vote that you stick with your trusty blanket. It (usually) does exactly what you want it to do and the best part? No "you never call me" or "let's cuddle" just good clean fun with no messy emotional attachments.

Anonymous said...

Wow. Me... a virgin. Gosh I don't know what to say. Shucks I'm dumbfounded. I guess I should say something.... ahem... okay… here goes…

Some are born great.
Some achieve greatness.
And some have greatness thrust upon them!

Heck… me a virgin. All this time. Who knew?

Gee thanks Hedy… you’re the bestest. You know…. you’ve inspired me.

You’ve inspired me to share my newfound gift. I’ll share this gift of virginity with all who pass my way! Me! Gromit – Virgin Dog!

By the way, you reminded me… can you wash my blanket before Max comes to visit.
Heck, who knows, maybe when he comes to visit I’ll thrust some greatness upon him!

Gromit – Virgin Dog!

miss kitty said...

All cats are virgins!

Anonymous said...

Who is this Miss Kitty? And why does she taunt me so?

All cats are virgins... indeed.

Gromit the Virgin

miss kitty said...

If being a dog didn't make you so dumb, you would have taken your big clumsy paw, clicked on my name and found out who I am!!

Anonymous said...

We all have a deadly illness called sin. The prognosis is 100% death in all cases. Many don't know that they are sick, or are in denial. There is a cure! He stands at the door and knocks...
Will you let him in?