Thursday, May 15, 2008

The long-awaited job search update

So I joined one of these whoop-de-freakin-do executive job search sites.

Clapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclap.

Here’s how it works: You pay $30 for the first month of Premium Service and you get exclusive access to Big Corporate Hoo-Ha job openings. And they proceed to up-sell the hell outta you because they think you’re Miss Got Rocks for joining an executive search site.

Seriously. I signed up on Tuesday. It’s Thursday. In that time, they’ve sent me 10 e-mails. Mom doesn’t even write that often. Although perhaps it is wrong to assume that I’ve been a member of the Premium Mom Service all this time. Note to self: Call brother to find out how many e-mails he gets from Mom each week.

Anyhoo.

As part of the Premium Hoo-Ha Service, the first thing they throw at you is the ‘complimentary’ resume review.

Mine was anything but complimentary. Of course I didn’t need Brittany the Executive Resume Analyst telling me my resume sucks bung.

I know.

It’s embarrassing. I’m a writer. And my resume sucks.

Here’s why.

Ask me to write about anything – butt socks or cuddly-wuddly Christ or Craig Ferguson – and I’ll happily oblige. But when it's time to write about my (ick!) accomplishments, I’ll sit in the corner with a dazed look on my face and a stringy bit of drool running down my chin right to the floor.

Nice visual, eh? Too bad I can't put THAT in the fucking resume. Executive summary my ass.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Executive search site? Executive, Hedy? Who the hell are you kidding?

Right. Well. It is a bit of a stretch, isn't it?

To be honest, I’ve never really felt entirely comfortable in the corporate world. And after the lovely and memorable experience working for The Turd, I’d much rather spend my summer being anally raped with a Hillary Clinton action figure mowing lawns than working some suck-ass 'real' job.

The very thought of going back to corporate marketing feels so wrong and stupid and foolish that if I had balls, they’d be shrinking up into, well, wherever balls go when they get scared and shrink up. Still, for now I need to go through the motions of finding a traditional marketing gig until I figure out what the hell I really want to do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
More from Brittany's brilliant resume critique:

“You are a premium member of I’maBigCorporateHooHa.com BECAUSE you’ve got the valuable experience, the superior skills, the unique qualifications and most importantly the DRIVE to get that next big corporate hoo-ha job (yes, we redirect people who don’t fit our profile; it is in our best interest to do so).”

No.

I’m a premium member because I PAID $30.

Nobody pre-screened me to find out if I ‘fit’ your profile. It was all “AMEX, Visa or Mastercard?” and “we automatically re-new monthly memberships” so don’t give me this crap about being specially qualified to receive your service. I’m guessing if Gromit still had a credit card, he could sign up for this site and receive an equally enlightening resume critique.

“In today’s competitive environment, it is impossible to over-emphasize your ball-licking capabilities, Mr. Gromit.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Miss Got Rocks? Who's that?

Don't ya know? I learned about this from Jim's Mom, who grew up in Chicago: Miss Got Rocks is an old-time name for a rich chick. She is often seen with The Big McGaffer -- the wealthy powerful dude that everyone secretly fears/hates.

For some reason I always picture The Big McGaffer with giant forearms like Popeye.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But wait, there’s more:

“Your resume is a bit too long at six pages. The average resume these days is two pages with three being acceptable at senior levels.”

The funny thing is, my resume is a little over two pages. So I’m not exactly sure which resume she reviewed, but it sure as hell wasn’t mine. Turns out, the whole 'complimentary resume review' was just one big form letter with tiny bits personalized to make it sound as if she'd really spend serious time considering the merits of my resume.

Of course with the stalker-esque e-mail blitz over the past two days, I get the feeling that even if I’d submitted the one and only Pulitzer Prize winning resume, I’d still be deemed ‘the ideal candidate for a resume rewrite’ at the low low price of $695.

That’s right.

We’re eating hot dogs and mac & cheese for dinner and seeing Iron Man at the matinee ($10 for two tickets!) but I’m supposed to pony up seven hundred bucks to have some silly twat who can't even count re-write my resume?

No. Thanks. Now I'm off to figure out how the hell to work ball-licking into my executive summary.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Wherever You Will Go - The Calling
I am reading: Real Simple magazine
And I am: Wondering where the balls go

4 comments:

molly gras said...

Gromit gets a credit card?! Max would only eat it if he ever laid paws on one and my kiddos would inevitably spend me into the poor house!

Kudos to you and your balls-retracting-and-where-did-they-go efforts!!

Best of luck with finding your way :)

Little Bald Bastard said...

I can't believe I remember this, but there was a robber-baron industrialist type character on the Flintstones named J.L. Gotrocks.

And the balls have a hatch they climb up into. They're like the gunner in the (hur hur) ball turret on the bottom of a B-17. They climb up the ladder and slam the door.

Good luck with the job hunt.

Anonymous said...

Might I say that your skepticism is, at the end of the day -- unhealthy.

The Harvard MBA who designed that website is obviously concerned with helping you find you’re place in today’s difficult business environment. There is no reason to believe that his motive was solely to generate income…. which is what you imply in your writing.

I mean after all, the free market clearly weeds out the scammers in our economy. If he is truly a con man he would surly be out of business, and in short order. The free market system takes care of the cheats!

And I’ll bet he’s placed hundreds if not thousands of people in meaningful positions… otherwise how could he possibly stay in business? To suggest that he would take $30 per month from honest hard working citizens only to falsely promise future placement…please… the world is not a conspiracy theory my dear.

The truth is you probably aren’t sending him enough money so that he can properly help you attain that which you seek. Blaming others for our problems only leaves us wanting. Trust the system Hedy and it will take care of you.

And they say Dogs are stupid! Ha!

Gromit

Hedy said...

And that, dear friends, is why "Spend Whatever It Takes" Gromit no longer has a credit card.