Friday, May 23, 2008

Odd stuff I do

I sort M&M's by color.

I've been doing it since kindergarten, maybe earlier.

Red, yellow, and orange are 'female' colors.

Brown, light brown, and green are 'male' colors.

Next, the Ms get sorted into couples.

Not married couples, of course, because we sure as shit wouldn't want to let tiny godless candies screw with the Sacred Rite of Matrimony.

Anyway, couples.

Then they die.

I always thought the whole process was rather romantic, these Ms hooking up briefly and then perishing together in my tummy.
Sadly, the light brown M&M's from my childhood no longer exist -- they were replaced by blue in 1995.

The blue ones are not to be trusted and always will be considered outsiders. As punishment, they are partnered with the orange (and therefore least desirable) female Ms.
Favorite childhood memory: My brother Eric and me are camped in front of the Magnavox watching Happy Days wearing our matching PJ's made by Grandma Kammer.

All of a sudden we hear the unmistakable sound of M&M's ping-ping-pinging into a glass bowl. It's Da, who had snuck into the kitchen for a snack. For us.

We look at each other with joyful, expectant grins and say it: "M&M's!"
Pairing off the pile of Ms rarely worked out exactly right, so the leftovers - typically reds and yellows for some reason - were coupled up because No One Should Die Alone.

I didn't really understand homosexuality until high school, so these leftover Ms weren't 'Life Partners' or whathaveyou, they were just BFFs who had yet to find boyfriends worthy of their sweet chocolaty goodness.

The male-female couples were sacrificed first, followed by the friends.
I'm sure you didn't come here today expecting to learn about the arbitrarily assigned gender roles of doomed candy-coated bits of chocolate.

But I guarantee you'll never look at a pile of M&M's the same way again.
I am listening to: Candy - Iggy Pop and Kate Pierson
I am reading: Step by Step by Bertie Bowman
And I am: A Veritable Goddess in the M&M Universe


Little Bald Bastard said...

I sort them out and then eat one of each color. Assigning them genders and pairing them into couples is a twist I've never heard of.

I used to have a friend who could only eat Tic-Tacs three at a time. If he wound up with two left in the box, he had to throw them away.

Candy makes us weird.

Moe Wanchuk said...

I always liked throwing them at Nicky Kane.

you know who.... said...

You're right…I'll never look at a pile of M&M's the same way… nor will I ever look at you the same way again.

Posolxstvo said...


Susan said...

BFF's are you and me! No matter what color! Missed you tonight - see you Sunday.

a fun day

Hedy said...

Could be a mutant strain of OCD, Pos. Mostly I think it's just downright strange.

Anonymous said...

I like to put 15 to 20 in my mouth at once and let them melt