Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Oh the humanity

Tragic news out of the Midwest, folks.

A truck flipped on I-80 here in Illinois yesterday, dumping 14 tons of Oreos onto the highway.

14 tons.

There are 2000 lbs. to a ton. A standard package of Oreos weighs 1 lb. 2 oz. and contains 45 delicious little cream-filled chocolaty wafer-ish bits of bliss.

I was never very good at story problems, so let's just say that's a lot of fucking cookies.

I don't think I'd be alone here in damning that silly truck driver straight to hell for what he did. Straight to hell, I say.
Um, Hedy? How did you know there are 45 cookies in a package of Oreos?

Research. Years and years of extensive research.

I've literally sacrificed my ass to the study of what must be considered the world's most perfect cookie.

In fact, it's surprising -- and more than a little disappointing -- that they didn't call me to the scene of the cookie carnage as a forensic expert.

"Hedy, thank God you're here! What should we do?"

"I need this whole area cordoned off, allow no one near. NO ONE. And get me some milk, man. Lots of milk."
I am listening to: Craig Ferguson
I am reading: A little bit of everything
And I am: In mourning


Posolxstvo said...

Relax. I heard (yes, all the way out here) that they were Double Stuff, and I believe you have implied or stated that DS aren't real Oreos.

Hedy said...

Well I'm so glad I didn't waste my time figuring out how many cookies were lost - Double Stuf totally screws with the math.

miss kitty said...

Sometimes my master puts two Oreo's into my dish of milk and I wait until those precious cookies are the perfect consistency - then I eat them (daintly, of course) and after they are gone - I lap up the remaining Oreo'd milk.


Dave said...

I'm no expert so I went to the source of internet truth, no not Wikipedia (it had nothing), yes Google. This site


says there are fifty-one in a package.

Now, I'm not questioning your obvious expertise; but, odd numbers just don't seem right.

Next step in the investigation, I went into the kitchen and opened a package of oatmeal raisin cookies. Even number.

Is this a thing like the disperate number of hot dogs and hot dog buns in their respective packages?

And if you're right, odd numbers just aren't right. If you eat in multiples of four (ok twelve) you've only got one (or nine) for that last visit with the package. It isn't right. And five times seven or seven times five just doesn't seem right.

That's all.

Hedy said...

I agree, Dave. Odd numbers are just...odd. I physically counted the only remaining full row in the package of Oreos here (regular, not Double Stuf, of course). 15 cookies. Three rows in a pack. 45 cookies. I generally eat cookies in multiples of six (yes, six, shaddap) so 45 is not a great number. I could switch to five per serving, which fixes the odd number problem but goes against the very core of my being. Further research is required. :)

molly gras said...

By golly, Hedy, I would have been there with you to help with those "clean up" efforts ... "Oh, the carnage! The sheer carnage!!"

*chortle* Damn, how I love my amusing blogger buddies :)

Moe Wanchuk said...

I really wish I could find a Semi that flipped with a bunch of "blowup dolls" scattered all over the freeway!

DewMama said...

You eat 6 cookies at a time?? Hmmm.

Let me take you back to...oh...1980/1981.

It's a Wednesday afternoon and 2 teenage girls are on their way to the roller rink.

Let's call one of the girls "L" and the other "H".

L's mother was driving and was known for going fast, taking sharp corners, stopping short, etc.

As L's mother is speeding up to fly over the hill with the railroad track on it, H yells out "Oh no!! I just ate 11 Oreo coooooookies!!"

L STILL thinks of this moment and laughs--and has bored her children to death telling and retelling this story :)

Thanks for the memories!!