Thursday, May 01, 2008

Your lifelong dream

Climbing Mount Everest. Achieving total enlightenment. Finding a cure for cancer.

What is your lifelong dream?

Hopefully it is slightly more ambitious and interesting than David Blaine's lifelong dream, which he accomplished on the Oprah Winfrey show yesterday.

Have you heard about this?

Blaine broke the world record for holding his breath.


Immediately after being extracted from a large water-filled sphere, Blaine said: "A lifelong dream. I can't believe I did that."

Yeah, we can't either. Ya self-important fuckstick.

Since when does holding your breath for a long time qualify as entertainment?

He's just a pathetic grownup version of Billy Evans -- that irritating boy from second grade who would eat a bug and/or one of his own boogers for a dollar and/or the Hostess Cupcake from your lunch box.

Oh, wait. FoxNews has dubbed Blaine an 'endurance specialist'.

I dunno. Endurance specialist?

Jim is an endurance specialist after a couple glasses of really good Scotch.

Not some attention-starved twit who spends a month suspended in a glass box over the Thames.
Well, what's your lifelong dream, Mrs. FancyPants?

I'm so glad you asked.

Hedy's To Do Before She Dies List

Win an Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay
Orbit the Earth
Live in Paris for one year
Craig Ferguson

Ta-da! Clapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclap.

See what I mean? Important, meaningful stuff.

Okay, maybe not that last one. But one can dream.
So, dear friends, what happens after we finally accomplish our lifelong dreams? Do we die?

At least in the case of Mr. Blaine, one can only hope.
I am listening to: Mariah Carey - Dreamlover
I am reading: Nothing right now
And I am: Dreaming


DewMama said...

Endurance Specialist??

Isn't that a synonym for Stay-At-Home-Mom??

Oh, wait a minute. Could also be used to describe my hubby ;)

It's great how we can share the same career!!

What a versatile phrase.

the dilf said...

Scotch huh?...gonna give that a try!...but..the old lady can't keep up as it is!

Anonymous said...

Lifelong dream huh? I once dreamt that I never had to hear Mariah Carey again... but that turned out to be one of those, what they call ‘pipe dreams’.

Oh, and one time I was dreaming… and I was AWARE that I was dreaming... those are called ‘lucid dreams’... anyway I was dreaming that Jim was watching me wash my private area and he looked so longingly and forlorned, so I controlled this ‘lucid dream’ and before I knew it he was the living embodiment to the age old answer... because he can!! Oh let me tell you he looked so happy. Finally… united with man’s real best friend. That was a nice dream and I guess, if you think about it, it was a pipe dream in it’s own way.

But my lifelong dream… huh? Well I guess it would be to spend the rest of my life at this beautiful home in the best damn yard in the whole world. With the two best companions a dog could ever, ever, ever ask for… hmmm I’m already living my dream… what do you know… don’t wake me up.


Posolxstvo said...

Lifelong dreams:

- Achieve total enlightenment
- Get a novel (or two or three) published
- Get a movie produced
- Learn that it isn't getting what you want but wanting what you've got
- travel to Alaska, Russia, Germany
- set foot to ground in all fifty states - that north central / west US is a real pain to get to from here

What happens when you achieve your lifelong dreams?

That's easy - work up a new list. That's what I've been doing all my life.

Dreams I have already acheived:

- be on television
- sing and play guitar in a band
- write a screenplay
- manage a team of programmers working on web development projects
- be a part of a world record winning effort (continuous swimming relay, since you asked. I swam one leg.)
- wife and kids
- house

Moe Wanchuk said...

Hey Pos....what were you on TV for?

Hedy said...

Pos! You're way more ambitious with the lifelong dreams than most I'm guessing. Fabulous. I gave up on total enlightenment and will settle instead for half-ass enlightenment this time around. :)


TO drink a shit load of wine and not wake up with a headache-

That's all I can think of right now.

Hank Fox said...

Lifelong (sort-of) dreams:

Have one entire year where I have a different and new adventure every week.

Live to see the Bush White House posse in prison. Except Bush himself, who I hope to see abandoned by the entire Republican party, after which he retires to Crawford, Texas and opens a tire store. Which he fucks up. After which he becomes a stinking drunk, hanging out in a bar in Crawford and regularly shouting with boozy belligerence, “I ushed to be preshident, dodgammit! Nobody can take THAT away from me! (hic) Who do I have to blow to get a drink around here?”

Be rich enough to afford sushi at least once a week.

Watch David Blaine tape a nickel to his forehead, stand on one leg, start in Los Angeles and hop 3,000 miles across the US. And then get his hopping leg bitten off by an alligator in Florida, so that he not only spends the rest of his life hopping, but gets religion and writes a book titled "Hopping Mad for Jesus." Which Oprah hates.

Visit Australia.

Watch the pope on national television visiting a hospital in Trenton, N.J., where a 6-year-old whom the pope is visiting suddenly holds his nose and cries “Eww, the pope farted!”

Go to the M&Ms factory to find out how they make M&Ms, and then suggest they merge with Crayola, so we can have over 200 different colors of M&Ms, including Copper, Cerulean and Periwinkle.

Invite Richard Dawkins to dinner. Invite Richard Simmons to cook.

Hug a black bear cub.

Invent a disease that strikes only rich white Republican golfers, rendering them impotent, mute, and poor.

Tune into YouTube tomorrow morning and find the hilarious video of a Chicago prostitute dancing the flamenco in spike heels on Rush Limbaugh’s testicles while he shouts “Dance, Ruby, dance!” Tune into Rush Limbaugh the day after and listen to him broadcast his entire show in a high-pitched voice.

Learn to speak Elephant. Preferably African. Teach them Knock Knock jokes to play on the people destroying their habitat. “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “Five ton rampaging bull elephant.” “Five ton rampaging bull elephant who?” “Squish.”

Go to the movies this summer and see Iron Man, Speed Racer, Prince Caspian, Indiana Jones, Incredible Hulk 2, Wall-E, Hellboy 2, and Batman, the Dark Knight.

Hike the Appalachian Trail.