GTF

The guy with the handlebar mustache reading the “Mormon Times” newspaper on the 7:22 this morning

Who knew the Mormons had so much news?

Imagining what Mormon news would be

Singing the “Good morning, good morning” song in a semi-operatic voice to Mom this morning

Jim got me one of those new ‘environmentally friendly’ (read: trendy) metal water bottles

Sunflowers growing next to a Porta-Potty along the railroad tracks

Purchased Snow Leopard last night

My literary umbrella

My jeans fit better

It’s been FOREVER since I’ve had a potato chip and I no longer miss them

Saying no to potato chips when they’re offered to me and not feeling anything like regret

Went to the Oprah show with a co-worker this week – trippy and interesting

144 people registered for my webinar next Wednesday

Two BINGOS in a row on Scrabble with Jim the IT guy this week – highest scoring game EVER

Catching up with Susan at her birthday lunch

The shed is being built today

A sassy haircut

The word ‘sassy’

Memories of our neighbor’s dog growing up – a red and white Spaniel of some sort named Sassy

Having no plans this weekend

Finally writing - and thinking about writing again

The fake palm trees in front of the Key Wester restaurant on Rt. 59

The two guys with Bibles across from me on the train now – why does this always surprise me?

The guy on the left – his Bible is very worn; the guy on the right, not so much

Pizza and movies with Tina while Jim was at the Bear’s game Saturday night

Stockholm’s with Jim last night – and the best baked potato soup on the planet

My $10, 90-minute massage at 5:30 tonight

Knowing the rule that if you’re the first person sitting in the seats upstairs on the train, that you get to put your arms towards the back of the seat

Bumping the guy next to me who obviously doesn’t know the fucking rule

Having him get a clue and move his arms to the forward, more uncomfortable position

The movie Gran Torino

Going to pick out invitations for my mother-in-law’s 80^th birthday party tomorrow

The smell of popcorn in Union Station reminds me of going to the Kmart on Groesbeck in Mt. Clemens with Mom and Grandma

The saxophone guy outside Union Station playing ‘Careless Whisper’

This dingbat at the Lost & Found window in Union Station: “Hi. I lost a small black umbrella on the train yesterday….”

Ed at the ticket window in Union Station:

“Two hundred dollars…and 60 cents for a ten-ride and a monthly.”

“Ugh…all I have is $200,” says me.

“You can owe me,” he says. “Now you’re not going to lose any sleep over this are ya,? I only did it because of your peace necklace…I’m old enough to remember when that actually meant something.”

Using this to remember all the good things in my head: Popcorn saxophone umbrellas tickets shake a leg

~~~~~~~~~~

I am listening to: A conference call with Magento

I am reading: Twilight book 1

And I am: Peaceful

Rainbrellas

You can tell a lot about a person by the umbrella they use.

For example, there’s a smallish gray-haired woman standing outside the train below me right now and she’s holding an umbrella that looks like a giant sunflower. We could assume she has a relatively sunny disposition about life and/or she’s a gardener.

Of course there are folks who don’t pay attention to these things and perhaps that umbrella was a gift, in which case she could be a crazy bitch from hell who would happily stab you in the forehead with her cheerful yellow parasol.

You decide.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You see a lot of ginormous corporate golf umbrellas on rainy mornings in the Loop.

They’re pretty much portable patio-type umbrellas that could easily keep dry a family of four, two dogs, and one cranky aunt. They take up the entire sidewalk - these umbrellas from UBS and Northwestern University and Bank of America – typically protecting white-haired, unsmiling men who are completely oblivious to the wide swath they cut. This is how I see them in the office – powerful, yet profoundly unhappy guys, completely unaware of their impact on the world and only concerned with keeping themselves warm and dry.

Oh, here comes a guy right now under a giant Deutsche Bank umbrella. Deutsche Bank always makes me think Douche Bag for some reason.

Moving on, there are leopard print umbrellas and ladybug umbrellas and bright pink umbrellas - all cheerful anachronisms in this otherwise gloomy day. These small, fashionable parasol-type umbrellas are usually carried by small, fashionable women – both of which are completely fucking worthless in brutal Chicago weather.

There are the classic wood-handled umbrellas in various colors. People under these are more smiley than usual.

There was a woman carrying a red umbrella with a small plastic ketchup bottle on top right where the point would be on a regular umbrella – I’m assuming it was a promotional giveaway for Heinz or one of those other inferior brands but didn’t see the logo.

Of course, most people use small black umbrellas. They are anonymous, cheap, and temporary yet functional.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Met Susan for a birthday lunch today and she has a fantastic umbrella with fashionable French ladies on it. She says it reminds her of her time in Paris.

Very cool.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
umbrella
noun
1 they huddled under the umbrella parasol, sunshade.
2 the groups worked under the umbrella of the Communist Party aegis, auspices, patronage, protection, guardianship, support, backing, agency, guidance, care, charge, responsibility, cover.

(Apple Thesaurus)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In French, umbrella is parapluie. It’s pronounced just like it looks. This makes me inexplicably happy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
para- 2 |ˈparə|
combining form
denoting something that protects or wards off : parachute | parasol.

(Apple Dictionary)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parasol = protects + sun
Parapluie = protects + rain
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just saw a HUGE man carrying a small black umbrella covered with pink breast cancer ribbons.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the 90's, when I lived in my all-time favorite apartment in Geneva, I’d babysit the kids across the street once in a while.

The mother was Susan. The father was Scott. They are probably divorced now, mostly because they didn’t seem all that happy ever and also because Scott hit on me one night when his wife was at class getting another degree that she probably wouldn’t use.

Anyhow.

Their oldest daughter – Mariah, who was rather bratty due to lack of parental attention – called them rainbrellas.

This is another thing that makes me inexplicably happy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What kind of umbrella do YOU use, Hedy?

It’s pretty much as you’d expect: A real, classic-sized umbrella. Not huge. Not tiny. Sturdy. Black. With a large silverish hook for a handle. Heavy canvas material. And literary quotes in soft gray text all over it.

To be or not to be. Call me Ishmael. Oz, the Great and Terrible. You get the picture.

If I were Oprah, it would be one of my very Favorite Things.

What does my umbrella say about me? I’m sturdy. Thinky. Perhaps a little pretentious at times but chubby-cute to compensate for it. And I like things that last.

Or.

It could say that I was caught in a veritable downpour last summer prior to lunch with a friend and popped into the only store – a Barnes & Noble – on the off chance they’d have an umbrella.

You decide.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: KT Tunstall – Suddenly I See
I am reading: Twilight book 1
And I am: Soaked from the knees down

It's a legitimate question

Posted on Facebook yesterday morning:

"Heather is going to see OPRAH today! Thanks so much Kathleen...can't wait!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Voicemail from Mom yesterday afternoon:

"Hello my little cupcake. i got a call from Aunt Sharon asking if you're going to be on the Oprah show today. I didn't know this. Let me know what day it's going to air. We were laughing - we didn't know if you were in the audience or a guest."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Valkyrie
I am reading: Twilight
And I am: Not a guest

Get off my lawn: fantasy vs. reality

"If we'd known you were sending Poncho Villa over to do the work, we never would've hired you," says the husband.

“What?” asks Mike the Painter.

“Mexicans,” says the wife. “Everybody knows they steal.”

Mike stopped by yesterday afternoon to drop off color samples from when he painted our house two years ago – Jim, who is usually pretty tenacious about this stuff – never wrote them down and we’re painting the shed this weekend.

That’s when Mike told us about our fuck-nut neighbors two doors down, whose house his team painted earlier this summer.

“What did you say? How did you respond?” I asked.

“What could I say? The job was done. And you can’t argue with that kind of ignorance.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

You should know these neighbors already weren't well-liked for a variety of ‘get off my lawn’ type of run-ins over the years. But still, this recent bit of news came as a shock to both of us. It’s one thing to be an asshole. It’s another to be a racist asshole.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Later that night, we watched Gran Torino – a movie I did not expect to like because of every other Clint Eastwood movie I’ve seen.

But it was good. Very good.

“So why was it kinda funny when Clint Eastwood's character did it but not so funny when it’s our neighbors?”

That was me on the drive to the train this morning.

“Because that’s just how his character was,” says Jim. “He wasn’t really being negative to them, it’s how he was raised.”

“But he called them ‘slope’ and ‘zipperhead’,” I say. “That wasn’t very nice.”

“That’s from being in the war,” says Jim. “And he was old. It’s like my parents calling black people ‘coloreds’, they weren’t being racist, it’s just what they were called then. The bottom line is, our neighbors have no excuse. They’re not that old.”

Or maybe it’s because Clint Eastwood’s character in Gran Torino was infinitely more likable than our fuck-nut neighbors.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Editorial note: Jesus I’m rusty. Not writing every day has taken its toll and this is way more rough than it should be. Still, it’s something.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am listening to: Office sounds

I am reading: Twilight

And I am: Thinking

GTF

According to Blogger I'm at 800 posts, so yay
A fantastic date last night including a loooong walk along Lake Michigan
Talking about trips to Rome to see where the Pope hangs his hat, Sydney to meet Bec finally and Bangkok to see Nelson
Loving the fact that Jim wants to go visit Nelson as much as I do
Having dreams in which I'm making better decisions
Saw an ear-nose-throat guy this week to hopefully help with these nasty sinus infections
“Take Your Cheese to Work” day sponsored by Mini Babybel - handing out little round cheeses at Union Station
The shed is coming one week from today
Arriving in the office this morning to discover I had multiple large bats in the cave - sexy!
Being kinda quiet/sad this week and being absolutely okay with it
The ability to search for songs on my iPhone
Watching classic movies with Jim: On the Waterfront and Cape Fear
Marlon Brando was a freak and Gregory Peck punches like a girl
The Twilight series of books – I’m in book 1 and it’s fabulous
The gracious co-worker who got me started on the Twilight series and loaned me the first three books
Jim is going to the Bears game tomorrow and I have a quiet night at home with Grommie, the Twilight books, and Facebook Scrabble
Living on a budget with no cab rides this week
It's payday - a concept I have not been terribly cognizant of since we got married and Jim took over our finances
Jason, the amazing massage therapist at my chiropractor’s office
Blue Cross/Blue Shield: $20 co-pay for a 90-minute massage (I’m going every week)
Working on my marketing plan/budget for 2010 – ahead of schedule
smcFanControl for my MacBook - puts me in control and cools it down nicely
The way we use words from previous Facebook Scrabble games to name new ones – right now I’m in the middle of ‘Mittens’ with Nelson and ‘Phat Dope’ with Jim the IT guy
A fun Saturday with Jim’s family, especially our two nephews Logan and Donovan
A nap on the porch with the little guy Donovan
Not needing to know all the answers so much anymore
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: If I Ever Feel Better - Phoenix
I am reading: Twilight, book 1
And I am: Kinda sad

The signal

"There was a large woman in a small car next to me today. She had a ginormous, open box of Tampax sitting in her rear window."

"It's a signal," says Jim. "It says 'Watch out, I'm bleeding.'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am listening to: Body of Lies

I am reading: Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

And I am: Still laughing

GTF

My Official Route 25 Parking Pass!
An unexpected evening with friends and the Kane County Cougars
Receiving the honor of the very first shot from a fresh bottle of Gentleman Jack
Sitting in my car finishing a glass of water because I’m not stressed about missing the train because of my Official Route 25 Parking Pass
My new toothbrush: The Colgate 360. It’s got this rough, rubbery surface on the back of the brush that massages the inside of my mouth and it feels surprisingly gooooood
They’re pouring concrete for the new shed today
Niko’s Lodge in Wasco – fabulous food and great service, plus fire pits out front and s’more supplies inside the door
Seeing three shooting stars through the sun roof on the way home from dinner
Jim, Grom and me, lying on lawn chairs in the backyard looking for more shooting stars
Arguing with Jim and then laughing together right after
Gomez – See the World
Sha la la la la la - sha la la la la la - sha la la la la la
The best sweet corn on the planet from that farm stand on Bliss Road
Writing a presentation abstract that got (tentatively) accepted for the Internet Retailer conference in Chicago next year
My friend Susan’s Soon-to-be-Famous Chocolate Polka Dot cookies sold out her first Saturday at the Batavia farmer’s market
Eating almost an entire bag of Susan’s Soon-to-be-Famous Chocolate Polka Dot cookies because I ‘don’t want them to melt’ - as if I need that excuse.
Wonderful, lovely pottery bought with Judy at the Art/Fart in Your Eye Festival
Did I mention my new Route 25 Parking Pass?
A message from an ex co-worker on Facebook that totally made my day
“You can’t fight crazy”
Finding my new haircut in this month’s Real Simple magazine
Feeling better finally
Coming to the realization that Cheez-Its are NOT crackers
Still, no chips or other salty crunchy snacks for what is it, 7 weeks now? That’s gotta count for something.
Blue Cross/Blue Shield: $16 for an adjustment and a 90-minute massage with the loveable sadist Jason at my chiropractor’s office
“You losing weight? I can see it in your face.”
Understanding how unbelievably blessed I am more and more every day
~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Gomez – See the World
I am reading: Content for the new web site
And I am: Blessed

GTF

Here goes:

11 years married and he still makes me laugh every day

This silly table planter to the left which I've managed to keep alive most of the summer

Busy, busy work week in spite of having the third sinus infection in as many months

Pouring concrete for a shed this Monday

No crunchy-salty-chippy snacks for six weeks now (we'll just ignore the pretzel incident from last week, shall we?)

New case for the iPhone

"Ryan update?"

A Bingo on FB Scrabble - "Mittens"

It finally feels sorta like summer outside

Realizing that I actually do need quite a bit of alone time in order to be creative and that the lesson which posed the opposite from charm school was, in fact, utter bullshit

Still being able to have a fun, interesting conversation with your husband after knowing him nearly 20 years

"They don't have the kind of super duper tampons I was looking for."

"There's a fresh bucket of shop rags in the garage."

The FAQs on Stephen King's web site make him sound like a total douchebag

Ken Follett knows how the hell to host a fan page, so suck it, Stephen King

The "And the Pursuit of Happiness" blog at the New York Times - LOVE IT

Taking pics of Jim & Grom with my 'good' camera

Okay, folks. The reality is I'm exhausted. I haven't slept more than 1 or 2 hours each night all week. I'm up right now again because of this fucking miserable sinus infection and all I want/need/crave is some fucking SLEEP. This is not a good thing. It's a What The Fuck thing.

Sitting on the porch watching the mosquitos bombard the screen above Jim's head

Oberweis chocolate ice cream in a bowl, nothing more, nothing less

Working from home in my 'office' upstairs instead of on the couch - Jim calls it my fort

Going to The Art in Your Eye Festival this Saturday with Judy - we call it the Fart in Your Eye Festival because of a poorly designed sign

Susan's delicious cookies at the Batavia Farmer's Market Saturday morning - go get 'em!

Filed/painted my nails tonight

Have an appointment with an ENT specialist in two weeks

Debating paranoid morons on Facebook

P's are definitely coming back this month - YAY!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am listening to: Middle of the night house sounds

I am reading: Nothing interesting

And I am: Exhausted

So really

Now, on top of everyone starting sentences with "So...." (17 times in less than 10 minutes during a meeting this week, seriously) I've noticed this other trendy bullshit thing: Really?

Trendy hipsters use "Really?" as a kinder gentler version of "You are so full of shit."

I thought it was just a midwestern thing until it happened in The Hangover last night.

Which is an excellent movie, by the way - right on par with Schindler's List - but it takes place in Vegas with drugs and strippers and whathaveyou.

Anyhow, good things Friday. Yep.

I am cranky today. But I will forge ahead as if my hormones aren't raging like the snows of Capistrano or something.

Here goes:

Going out for a movie with Jim for the first time in over a year.

The Hangover - "I didn't know they gave rings out at the Holocaust"

A quiet day last Sunday - just Jim, Grom and me hanging by the pool all day - can't remember the last time we did that, just us

Pilates on Tuesday

Mom & Da are coming back in August

Work is going exceptionally well - so much is happening it's hard to keep up and I love it

Jim making me laugh on the way to the train this morning even though I didn't feel like it

5 weeks without snack foods - although I broke down and had three pretzels last night so I guess it really hasn't been 5 weeks but fuck you I'm fixin' to bleed and if I WANT TO HAVE A GODDAMN PRETZEL I WILL GODAMMIT.

Sigh

Got my teeth cleaned this week

Went to the chiropractor too

My soap order arrived from Crabtree & Evelyn (my skin is soooo soft again this morning)

Two white rocking chairs make the front porch look very homey

Assembling said rocking chairs with Jim in the garage last Sunday - we're a good team

Sitting on said rocking chairs with Jim night before last and marveling at the amount of traffic passing by

Road the bus/El all week - only one cab ride for a lunch in the Loop

Playing Scrabble with Nelson and Jim the IT guy via my iPhone (yes, we're still playing)

My new favorite word: ITard (An IT guy who is not very bright)

I'm staying overnight in the city tonight and thinking about going to the Apple store on Michigan avenue to treat myself to a new smallish something

I opened up a separate bank account for myself so that I can live off of an allowance rather than just spending money willy-nilly and wreaking havoc on our finances (yes, this is a very good thing)

So maybe I won't treat myself to a smallish something now that I'm on a budget

Or maybe I'll just use my old debit card One Last Time since the new one hasn't arrived yet

Seeing Susan on the train last night

Knowing my husband and all of our friends will be having a fantastic, fun-filled weekend while I'm sitting in class Friday night, all day Saturday and all day Sunday

Okay this is not a good thing at all (and an ancillary reason for my crankiness) but I'd like to think everyone will miss me

Bleh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am listening to: Quiet, quiet office

I am reading: Presentations abstracts for IRCE 2010

And I am: CRANKY

Good Things Friday

My friend Mrs. You Know Who asked "Where's good things Friday?"

So here I am

Fabulous, amazing wonderful 10-day visit with my parents - LOVE THEM

Four weeks tomorrow no chips

Giving up sweets tomorrow for good - wish me luck - this could get ugly

Met Jennifer the massage therapy student on the bus Wednesday morning

Dinner at the You Know Who's Wednesday night, figuring out the Big 50th Birthday Trip

"You're doing it wrong"

Scrabble on my iPhone with Jim the IT guy and Nelson!

Birthday festivities for Corbin last night - a lovely, wonderful evening (plus cake)

Michael Jackson music

I LOVE MY JOB - even though it's keeping me insanely busy

The Dow was up over 9k

What goes around definitely comes around - I have an amazing update on The Turd that I will share next week.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am listening to: Michael Jackson - Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough

I am reading: Nothing much

And I am: Fabulous

Happy scrappy fuckity-foo-foo-Friday

Mom & Da are here at least through the weekend and I haven’t spent this much time with them since I moved to Illinois 20 years ago.
The Toyota Prius ads with all the people in the landscape make me inexplicably happy.
Crabtree & Evelyn Nantucket Briar soap makes my skin sooooo soft.
The truck pull last night and the Megasauraus, which ate a car and then set it on fire.
Being called the “Titty Lady” by a bum outside my office.
No potato chips, Doritos or Tostitos for three weeks tomorrow.
President Obama’s speech to the NAACP.
Not living on Facebook so much anymore.
Playing Scrabble with Jim the IT guy via my iPhone.
Oberweis turtle sundaes with butter pecan ice cream.
The ‘slut slippers’ Mom and me bought at the Batavia craft fair last weekend.
Jim’s beer can chicken.
Not reading the news as much as I used to.
You can tell the really hardcore Christians because the crosses around their necks always feature the not-so-Cuddly-Wuddly, but Skinny and Suffering Christ.
My IRA is finally moving in the right direction by a healthy, satisfying amount - hasn’t done that since I can remember.
The chunky yet elegant bracelet Mom made – I’ve worn it two days in a row – my new favorite.
My new shampoo (Leonor Greyl) smells incredible and doesn’t require conditioner.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HedyBlog Mini Quiz:

Which group of words appeals to you more?

Open, creative, progressive, diverse, free.

Exclusive, traditional, consistent, classic, secure.

Just curious.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Talk Dirty to Me – Poison
I am reading: Nothing much
And I am: Thinky

Good things Friday

Mom & Da ARE HERE! YAY!
I have no idea where this week went - work is so amazingly cool/busy/crazy I haven't felt this energized about what I do in years.
Two weeks since I've had chips, Cheetos or Tostitos. Yay, me.
FABULOUS Fourth of July weekend
Swimming in Lake Geneva
Peeing in Lake Geneva
Mine's behavin'
Went to The Bristol Tap last night and somehow resisted the chips that always accompany the best burger on the planet.
Eating Quaker Oatmeal for breakfast - the cinnamon swirl is best
I need to write a 500 word article for the Illinois Technology Association by noon and I don't even have a topic yet.
Okay maybe that's not a good thing but it's on my mind.
Pilates on Tuesday kicked my ass.
The window washer who fell three stories down the building across the street yesterday is okay.
Seeing the 20 or so firefighters who gathered to rescue the window washer hanging from the side of the building across the street.
Dole Pina Colada juice is outstanding. Especially with Capt. Morgan. Try it.
My creative guy is finally back from Disney World.
Megan at the Kinko's in Aurora is a rockstar - the sign she made for my show in San Diego is fabulous.
Mom made her world famous potato salad for the little dinner gathering we're having tonight.
I had an excellent dream last night about telling off my cousin and his C-U-Next-Tuesday wife - it was extremely healing.
Talking with Mom on the porch.
The User Experience Assessment we did for a hardware store chain in Canada was a big hit.
Watching Penn & Teller's Bullshit show with Mom, Da & Jim last night.
"I feel like we got a lot of decisions made in this meeting."
Going to the grocery store with Da.
San Pellegrino Aranciata is delicious
Mom's Navy cake
My boss might actually have some billable work for me on a writing project for a client.
Judy's gonna be a gramma again - YAYYYYY!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm listening to: INXS - Don't Change (BEST SONG EVAR)
I am reading: Nothing
And I am: Happy

The fairy tale me

There’s a mirror in the foyer that Jim gave me for Christmas many years ago.

It’s smallish and round with a dark metal frame shaped like flowers and leaves. Pretty, but not too girly-girly. Like something from a fairy tale with a princess and an ugly cruel stepmother with a big hairy wart that smells like bad cheese. Just the wart, not the whole stepmother.

Anyhow.

It’s a skinny mirror – you know the ones – it magically makes me look at least 10 lbs. lighter.

I don’t even know why I look in it, really. It’s not a true reflection of reality.

Maybe I look because it gives me a glimpse of what could be.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You've probably noticed I’m not writing any more. I’m pretty pissed off about it.

Because of charm school, I’ve lost the part of myself that liked this – writing and ranting and having fun with words.

Here’s hoping it comes back someday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Not a huge fan of the word foyer, by the way. Especially snooty-falooty people who say it like ‘foy-A’.

These are the same folks who pronounce vase like ‘vaaaz’.

As in ‘The vaaaz in the foy-A is filled with juicy wet dog boogers.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So back to this mirror.

Love love loved fairy tales as a child. Hell, I still love ‘em.

And I’ve read a lot of them, but don’t ever recall a story like this:

What if, Once Upon a Time there was a mirror that could show you the best version of yourself?

The what-could’ve-been version who made better decisions and didn’t eat entire bags of Ruffles Sour Cream & Cheddar chips in one sitting?

Wouldn’t that be cool?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fairy tale (also fairy story)
noun
a children's story about magical and imaginary beings and lands.
• [as adj. ] denoting something regarded as resembling a fairy story in being magical, idealized, or extremely happy : a fairy-tale romance.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The point is, because of charm school I am catching glimpses of this slightly better, fairy tale version of myself.

It’s kinda cool when it isn’t scaring the living shit out of me.

Because this new Hedy is more sociable. Has more energy. Is more conscious and aware. Is eating less. Doing more. Is more compassionate. And less temperamental.

However.

It’s coming at a price and I am seriously mourning the old version of myself. The version that liked hanging out here with you and ranting about silly shit.

Furthermore, if you’ve ever read the really old, non-Disney fairy tales, you know they're often scary and bloody and not all of them have happy endings.

So right now, the fairy tale version of me is wandering around in the woods, ate all of her fucking breadcrumbs miles ago, and is hoping that her fairy godmother will arrive - POOF - soon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Green Day - Basket Case
I am reading: Nothing much
And I am: Reflective

Good things Friday

Slow news week, eh? Here’s when I turned off the TV:

“Dame Elizabeth Taylor has released a statement saying she can’t release a statement at this time.”

I can't be the only one who knew Michael Jackson would die early. He was a tortured, unhealthy soul and here's hoping he's finally at peace.

Here’s good things Friday:

Texting Jim about Michael Jackson yesterday:
Jim: “I wonder how he died.”
Me: “Who nose?”

Mudbone, sitting next to me on the train this morning: “I used to bleach myself,” he says. “They used to sell it down South. That bleaching agent was poplar.”

Jim texting me Richard Pryor quotes from Boston all morning (And I’m prayin’ to God I ain’t gotta kiss nothin’.)

The Grandfather from Heidi (Shirley Temple version) sitting next to me on the train last night, talking dirty to his spouse: “You keep feeling better like this, Sweetie, and tomorrow maybe we can make noises.”

This e-mail exchange from early yesterday:

To: Jim, You Know Who, Mrs. You Know Who
From: Hedy

Farrah Fawcett was only two years younger than my mom. There’s a joke in there somewhere.

To: Jim, Mrs. You Know Who, Hedy
From: You Know Who

Unlike Farrah’s, I still have the swimsuit/nipple poster of your mom in my room.

Another fabulous weekend visit with Nelson, Kyra, and Chad.
A fabulous but way-too-quick visit with Susie and her family.
Shopping at the Little Traveler with Suze on a Monday afternoon.
Impromptu post-charm school drinks with Jim, Corb & Debbie at the Caboose bar in Geneva
“Sticky tits”
Realizing that saying yes increases my energy
Swimming at night with Grommie and the stars
A text just now from Kathleen, our recruiting goddess: “You in the office yet? Feel like going to the Cubs/Sox game today?”
Going to the Cubs/Sox game on a beautiful Friday afternoon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Mudbone yapping into his phone
I am reading: Nothing
And I am: Smiley

Word peeve

Got an e-mail just now from the Business Network Chicago:

"IF you are in transition, here are a couple of good people to follow on Twitter..."

In transition?

What a lovely way of saying out of work and couch-bound with one orange-fingered hand in a bag of Crunchy Cheetos and the other flipping channels between Oprah Winfrey and soft core porn.
~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Co-workers discussing BBQ stuff
I am reading: Nothing
And I am: Not in transition

Today

Susie and family arrive within the hour, but thought I'd share this amazing 'JesusPhone' story with you (it's a long read, but so worth it):

http://happywaffle.livejournal.com/5890.html

I have more thoughts on this - thankfully the thief wasn't armed/dangerous/insane - but we'll revisit this topic another day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am listening to: Birds chirping from the side yard

I am reading:  Nothing at the moment

And I am:  Looking forward to another hot summer day with good friends from far away

Good things Friday

A great weekend with Nelson
Looking forward to another great weekend with Nelson, Kyra and Chad
Two graduation parties on Saturday
It's not raining right now
Fuck You Tuesday helped me get angry again
Yesterday was my one-year anniversary in the melty chocolate chip job and the team brought in donuts, plus the recruiting director sent me a wonderful e-mail
Chick dinner with Mrs. You Know Who and YKW's sister Wednesday night
Working on a strategic planning project
Eligible for 401k now
A few good leads from the Chicagoland Chamber breakfast yesterday
Ran into my old editor from the Daily Herald at the breakfast - he's got a great gig in PR now
The house is relatively clean
The flowers are growing like mad
Cut the backyard last night
Downloaded the iPhone 3.0 OS upgrade - it's considerably faster, and now I can cut/paste and search
Found out The Turd (remember him?) was fired, and the person who took over (someone I worked with briefly there - long story) wants to meet and talk about my original marketing plan/strategy
I am wearing pants that didn't fit a month ago
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I am listening to: Muted office conversations
I am reading: Four Seasons: The Story of a Business Philosophy by Isadore Sharp
And I am: Sorta giggly reading all that old Turd stuff

Shit-pants

Through an informal and ongoing survey, I have learned that practically everyone I know has shit his or her pants as an adult.

Yes. Everyone.

Except me.

I’m still waiting. This makes me nervous. Extremely nervous.

Because when nearly everyone you know has shit themselves, it’s not good being the odd person out. It’s not normal. It means that I’m overdue.

Hedy, you’re telling us that you actually want to shit your pants?

YES!

Seriously. It’s like the first time I dropped my motorcycle.

I was making a left turn from Route 31 onto Mooseheart Road and didn’t accelerate enough so the bike stalled and fell over. I wasn’t hurt – I let it fall and kept standing. But in addition to that rush of OHFUCKWHATNOW adrenaline and a bit of fear about causing an accident at this busy intersection, I actually felt relieved.

“Well, I got that over with,” I remember thinking. “I knew it was going to happen, now it has and I don’t have to worry about it.”

That’s how I feel about shitting my pants. I really just want to get it over with.

I want to be like everyone else.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Combos,” says one shit-pants friend of mine who shall remain anonymous. “Eat a bag of Combos. That’s what did it for me.”

That would be cheating. You can’t force yourself to shit your pants anymore than you can force yourself to drop a bike or laugh at something that isn’t funny.

It just has to happen. Spontaneously. Uncontrollably. Often publicly.
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Best case scenario:

It’s a Friday night out with all of our friends – drinking and eating and laughing and laughing and eating and drinking.

I’m all stuffed and smiley-faced.

Someone I know and love does or says something that is just bust-a-gut hilarious and Voila! I laugh so hard I fill my pants.

That's how it should happen for all of us desperate skid-free folks waiting for the inevitable - in the company of our very own shit-pants support group.
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I am listening to: Nothing
I am reading: Yield Software Getting Started Guide
And I am: Anxiously waiting

Fuck You Tuesday

“The class is changing me in small ways,” I say. “Like this morning the septic alarm went off…normally I’d wake up Jim and make him go downstairs to turn it off but I got out of bed and did it myself.”

“I didn’t even hear it,” says Jim.

“You need a class to learn how to be nice?” asks Nelson.

“Kinda. I guess. Maybe. Fuck you.”

“Well I don’t like it,” says Nelson. “Where’s the bitchy Heather? Since you started taking this class you’re all sunshine and bunnies. And cut the Good Things Friday shit on the blog, would ya please? Nobody cares.”

“Fine. Fuck you.”

He’s right, though. I’ve lost a bit of that Fuck-You-I’m-Heather attitude because of charm school. Probably another reason why I haven’t been writing so much. Lost my edge.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So here goes. It’s Fuck You Tuesday.

Fuck you, Metra for cancelling the 5:49 to Aurora last night and cramming all of us on the 5:44. I stood in a fucking aisle all the way to fucking Lisle with some Asian bitch pushing into me and sweat dripping from my earlobes down to my asshole.

Fuck you, Twitter and Facebook and LinkedIn for distracting people from what’s really important.

Fuck you, charm school for forcing me to think about all of this fucking baggage from childhood. You say we create the lives we have – well looking around, mine isn’t so goddamn bad is it, ya fuckos?

Fuck you, sweater with the bleach stain on it.

Fuck you, people who talk too much.

Fuck you, thorny weeds in our backyard.

Fuck you, birds for shitting all over my deck and patio.

Fuck you, people who walk slow and block the sidewalk.

Fuck you, Rod Blagojevich and your stupid fucking wife for not having a little sense and a little more humility to go away quietly.

Fuck you idiot jealous control-freak women who give the rest of us a bad rap.

Fuck you idiot men for killing your wives rather than divorcing them.

Fuck you, people who aren’t talking to me anymore (you know who you are) – Good Riddance and pass the peanuts.

Fuck you, Apple for making it cost-prohibitive for your best, most loyal customers to get a new iPhone 3Gs. I’ll keep my sorry-ass old iPhone until it’s nothing but a brick before I give you more of my money.

Fuck you, 7 Pounds, with your seriously flawed premise and M. Night Shyamalan wanna-be ending.

Fuck you, Microsoft Update and any software update installer bullshit application.

Fuck you ingrown toenail.

Fuck you, AC/DC, your music sucks.

Fuck you, Rush Limbaugh. And fuck you, George Bush and Dick Cheney.

Fuck you, Colin Powell for not having enough sack to stay in and fight Bush&Co.

Fuck you, one-and-a-half hour commute.

Fuck you, bunnies and fuck you sunshine.

Fuck you, septic system for waking me up early on Saturday and starting this whole fucking mess.
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I am listening to: Fuck You by Freddie Fuckstick and the Fuckettes
I am reading: None of your goddamn business
And I am: Angry

Good things Friday

It is a BEAUTIFUL day
Jim is finally done traveling - YAY!
Nelson arrives from Bangkok this afternoon
Judy came over last Friday - a lovely surprise visit
A long, lovely e-mail from DewMama regarding yesterday's post
Laughing with Mom this morning over MyFace - her version of Facebook and MySpace
This African proverb: "Much silence makes a powerful noise"
Date night with Jim in the city yesterday - a mini pub crawl through River North
I'm finally writing again
A wonderful, thoughtful dead-on comment from Crusty on yesterday's post - Thank you!
Learned tons of new stuff this week
An always hilarious visit with Mr. & Mrs. You Know Who Wednesday night
Pilates two weeks in a row - Woo HOOO!
Planning birthday parties for people we love
The French bulldog puppy in the neighborhood by my office
Hi my name is Heather and I'm a cabaholic; it's been four days since my last cab ride
Taking the #66 bus from Ohio to Orleans yesterday
A small possibility of going to Rome with Jim in October
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: I'm Yours - Jason Mraz
I am reading: Neil at the Sun-Times
And I am: Smiley