Saving the world, one blowjob at a time

Yesterday my friend Spike called me out as a person who complains without offering up any solutions.

Perhaps he’s just a little bit right after yesterday’s blog. Although the answer seemed obvious to me, it’s apparent even a graduate of both Harvard and Yale might have trouble seeing the solution to the Iraq cock-up: Get the hell outta there.

[Insert your favorite both hands/flashlight or ass/hole in the ground statement here.]
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Today I am accepting Spike’s challenge and offer up the following theory: All of the world’s biggest problems can be solved with blowjobs.

Ta-da!

CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP.
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HEDY! The world has serious, serious issues and you’re making a joke.

Nope. I’m serious. Seriously serious.

Think about it: When Bill Clinton was president, the economy was booming. The national debt was nothing. We had no war. And blowjobs in the White House.
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Take global warming. The #1 cause of global warming is carbon dioxide emissions – primarily from the burning of fossil fuels to produce electricity and the burning of gasoline to produce traffic jams.

Women: Pay attention. Light some candles. Get on your knees.

It’s a win-win.

You reduce your ComEd bill with the romantic lighting and your guy stays home more often rather than driving around in his big SUV looking for scotch, women and golf balls. Or something.

Say it with me guys: “C’mon baby, it’s to help the environment.”

See? Isn’t this fun?
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World hunger? Too easy.
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Back to the mess in Iraq. Ugly for sure.

Pulling out is one answer. But I say put it in, boys.

Rather than a surge of troops, we need to send a surge of sluts over there.

Call it Operation Desert Dome.

We’ll send over our best and brightest prostitutes; I’m sure Deborah Jeane Palfrey, the D.C. madam, has some good connections and would love to help out.

Think about it. These terrorist nut-jobs will have no time to think about blowing themselves up if they’re too busy being…well, you know.
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Next up: Abortion.

Abstinence Schmabstinence. The Christian Coalition has it all wrong.

Just think of all the unwanted pregnancies that could be avoided if women would just give more blowjobs.

Shaddap. You know I’m right.
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Obesity? Hey, they call it a job for a reason. If you’re doing it right, you’ll burn some calories for sure.
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Immigration. This is a tough one.

Theory #1: Mexicans come here illegally for the jobs. We need to get them to stay in Mexico for the blowjobs.

Eh, scratch that. Who would mow your lawn? Or serve your burritos?

The way I see it, the immigration issue is all about economics. We need cheap, illegal labor. They’re cheap and illegal.

Actually, it doesn’t seem like there’s much of a problem after all. And blowjobs could only make that situation better.

Damn I’m good.

There’s no need to thank me, really. I’m just doing my part to make a small difference in the world.
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I am listening to: Eve - Let Me Blow Ya Mind
I am reading: Everything
And I am: A Goodwill Ambassador