Friday, January 25, 2008

SpareSomeSanity

“Did I tell you what SpareSomeChange lady did to me yesterday?”

“No,” says co-worker Josh, walking with me to Union Station last night.

“I walked by, she looked up at me and yelled ‘I HOPE you SLIPONTHEICE FALLINTHERIVER and DIE!’”

“She’s obviously nuts.”
~~~~~~~~~~
Remember her? The homeless pretard who sits on the bridge and hollers:

HIIIcanuSPAREsumCHANNNGE?”

She cursed me yesterday. And I have no clue why.
~~~~~~~~~~
It was shocking.

So shocking that the people crowded around me looked over with a mixture of confusion and sympathy. One woman just shook her head and smiled.

Part of me wanted to go back to SpareSomeChange Lady, get right up in her ugly little wind-burned face and say What the Fuck.

Part of me really needed to be on the 5:04 train.

Do I call the cops? Is it harassment? An unprovoked verbal threat?

We know she has a cell phone.

Oh. My. God.

She's on the Internet. She did a search on "Crazy-Ass SpareSomeChange Bridge Lady" and found the blog.

By the time I got to the train I was in what is medically described as a Full Fucking Freak Out.
~~~~~~~~~~
Okay, I’m pretty sure I was scowling.

But this is my standard issue Get Outta My Way I’m Walking to the Train face, made considerably worse by the fact that it was Freeze Yer Nips Off cold out.

Every tired commuter has this face. Trust me.

And SpareSomeChange Lady sees it every day. On practically every face.
~~~~~~~~~~
pretard n
1. someone who pretends to be retarded for financial gain or to avoid punishment

HedyBlog® World English Dictionary © 2008 HedyBlog Corporation. All rights reserved. Developed for HedyBlog by Hedy Publishing Plc.
~~~~~~~~~~
“Plus, I was nice to her once,” I remember as we approach the Jackson Street bridge. “I gave her five bucks at Christmas.”

“Well that explains the cell phone, moneybags,” says Josh.
~~~~~~~~~~
Finally figured it out this morning.

I did it again. I reached into my pocket and faked her out again.

It was certainly not on purpose – totally subconscious.

I left the office in a hurry on Wednesday to make a chiropractor appointment. Halfway to the train station I panicked, thinking I’d left my security badge and keys behind.

Just as I was approaching SpareSomeChange lady’s spot on the bridge, I reached in my pocket.

Remember, she maintains this entirely affected ‘I’m a Helpless Idiot’ stare and only looks up if you make a move like you’re gonna give her something. That’s the only reason why she looked up. And then cursed me like the crazy-ass bitch she is.

Part of me wants to apologize and explain what happened next time I see her.

And part of me wants to reach into my fucking pocket every fucking time I see her for the rest of my ever-fucking life.
~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Bob Dylan – Things Have Changed
I am reading: World Without End by Ken Follett
And I am: Ready

7 comments:

CRUSTYBEEF said...

is it wrong to say that when I picture her saying the bit about falling into a bridge, I hear it with a brooklyn strong jewish accent?

give her a penny a day. see what she says then.
crusty~

the dilf said...

Hedy Hedy Hedy....seriously.
Think about what you're saying.
You're a 36 yr old introverted Milf, with a great new rack, and a new car. What else could a girl (or guy) actually want?..And you're worried about what the pretard yelled at you?
1st of all...who Fkn cares!..it's actually pretty funny.
2nd of all...be prepared..if anyone yells at me, I instantly yell "SUCK MY B*LLS!"..it's shock treatment..always works.
3rd...if you're that upset about it..make a truce..hand her a Twix bar on the walk home tonight and paste your ex-bosses home phone number and address on it..and just give her a wink.

Hedy said...

Dilf Dilf Dilf. No no no.

41. Chubby. Semi-new car with Gromit fur and nose prints all over the windows. Seriously. I oughtta be able to walk down the street and reach in my pocket without some crazy bitch yelling at me. Right?

Susan said...

I learned a little lesson about street people when I "interfered" with a homeless guy scamming a bunch of teenagers outside of Union Station.

The lesson learned is - if you are going to say something less than "here's five bucks!" or interfere on behalf of innocence - be 100% sure that you are physically able to RUN YOUR ASS OFF!!

The nut job I dealt with put down his backpack of worldly possessions and said "I have no problem slitting the throat of a F**king Bitch!!"

I started to twitch.

molly gras said...

Girl, for so many reasons, someone needs to get serious and truly invent that transporting/"Beam me up Scottie" technology.

You'd get to avoid psycho street lady and the rest of us could avoid having to pay exorbitantly at the pump.

[BTW - just love the fact you're an "incorporated" entity -- are you a publicly traded commodity now? Would your NASDAQ symbol happen to be HEDBLO?]

just curious ... ;)

Dave said...

Molly did a better riff on the "Inc.dom" thing than I was about to do.

On a separate subject, Dilf, age aside, do I need to learn of another definition of MILF, or is there some small part of Hedy's life she's not told us about?

Hedy said...

Hey Molly! Definitely HEDBLO. Hilarious.

And Dave, no, I am not a MILF. Besides Jim and Grom, there are no other creatures under my care.

I think DILF just applies MILF to all of us previously attractive, now fat and fading chicks of a certain age.

I guess that makes me a CILF. Although I think I prefer sylph. Air-headed fairy. :)