Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Neil's out, Craig's in

Confession: I will be getting a divorce. Soon.

As soon as Craig Ferguson arrives to take me to L.A. so we can live happily ever after.

He will wear nothing but a kilt and speak to me with his lovely Scottish accent.

And I will wear nothing at all and do WHATEVER THE HELL HE WANTS.

I'm not kidding.

Craig Ferguson could say: "Heatherrrr! I'm goin' t' crlap in yer shoooz!"

And I'd hear: "Heather! I'm going to rub your boobs!"
But Hedy, I thought Neil Steinberg was your guy.

Nope. Not anymore.

Sorry, Neil.

Ya got no accent. Well, maybe you do. But it's a nasally Midwestern thing that's fairly common in these parts and doesn't exactly butter the muffin, ya know?

Plus, as far as I can tell, you're short and bald-ish. Craig is tall. Messy dark hair. Devilish blue eyes. And did I mention the accent?

Of course you are one damn fine writer, Neil. But it's time for me to be moving on.

And call me shallow, but the Scottish funnyman always trumps the Jewish brainiac. Always.
What does Jim say about all this, Hedy? Is he concerned?

"If it means Jessica Alba and I can finally be together, I'm all for it."

See, Craig? It's meant to be. Call me.
I am listening to: Craig on the Late Late Show
I am reading: Nothing
And I am: Leaving soon


the dilf said...

Hey Hedy...What does my Austrian accent do for you???...
"Gidday Mate"

and could you please explain what "butter the muffin" means?..I just can't figure that one out.

Hedy said...

Yum...nothing like a little Vienna sausage on the barbie! :)

Anonymous said...

You may think it's funny to talk about other men but I don't see the humor.

Let's just say Craig Ferguson was to call and you were to leave for California. Where does that leave me? If you think I’m going to California you’re crazy! Nothing but steers and queers in California and I don’t have any horns… so what would that make me? Not that there is anything wrong with that… but…
And I could hardly leave Jim after all he’s done for me!

So because you can't control yourself the whole family is broken to pieces?!
Selfish, selfish, selfish.
I don't like you even kidding around about that kind of stuff.

Now if Jessica and Craig moved here to Aurora and we all stayed together... well, I guess that would be a different story. But the idea of you or Jim moving and breaking up the family... well that scares the bajeezus out of me just to think about it.

What if I were to just up and leave every time I got my panties in a wad? How would you feel?

Come on Hedy… think before you say things like that.
I’ll be on the bed under the covers… fretting. And you better be here when I get back…


Hedy said...

Gromit! Coming from someone who greets total strangers the same as long lost loved ones, you hardly have room to comment on this matter. Plus, from what I understand, Jessica Alba smells just like steak. So puppy up and get over it.

you know who... said...

Ok, but what happens once Craig figures out that you can't hold a job?

Anonymous said...

Truthfully, I would prefer to not discuss this in such a public forum... but since you persist...

You said -- " Coming from someone who greets total strangers the same as long lost loved ones, you hardly have room to comment on this matter.”

FYI -- My method of greeting strangers, or anyone else who crosses the threshold into our abode, is merely a safety precaution. While my technique may at first appear to be tactless, insensitive and crass, I assure you there is a purpose to every encounter.

Without going into to much detail regarding my approach…
I quickly assertain (correct spelling) the dietary habits and temperature of every guest coming into our home. Should any anomalies appear in the initial encounter, I will deftly but subtly shift to an extensive frontal crotch investigation. From this vantage point I can easily assess the presence of any of the following… Malaria, HIV/AIDS, Tuberculosis, Rabies, Mad Cow Disease, Legionnaires’ Disease, Ebola, any Food-Borne Diseases, and sometimes I can even tell when it’s laundry day.

So, please do not attempt to compare your misguided lust to my scientific investigation of strangers who enter our home. Admittedly, I maintain a degree of deception as to my motives but I only do so in deference and out of respect for the privacy of others.

By the way… one of your friends needs to cut back on the sardines… and Jim’s cholesterol is up again.

As always
Your Dog

Hedy said...

You Know Who: I spit Diet Pepsi all over the Mac on that one. Fabulous. :)

Posolxstvo said...

Well. I was going to ask how Grommy would respond to such a shake-up, but I see I already have my answer.

Next question -- what if Craig doesn't do the whole "dog" thing -- what if he's a Dognostic? What then? Can you really turn your back on Grommster?

And, if it's the accent, God help us all if Billy Connolly or Shrek wanders into your life.

"Done-keh! Wot'rye doon in mah swamp?!"

Miss Kitty said...

Dogs are dumb.

Hedy said...

Sadly, when Craig comes calling, I will have to leave Gromit behind. But no worries - he won't miss me. When Jim comes home after being gone for a week, Gromit cries and squeals for a half hour he's so happy. When I come home after being gone for a week, Gromit cries and squeals for a half hour - because Jim is back home from picking me up at the airport. I know where my muffin is buttered. Or butterrrrred, as it were.