Friday, August 08, 2008

Vote Moe

Dear Moe,

With all the whining you do, it sure seems like you’re not satisfied with your work/life these days.

I have a solution.

If there’s any justice in the world, Detroit will be needing a new mayor very soon.

You are perfect for this job.

You’re frugal. You’re a hockey fan. You certainly have the pedigree.

And you’ve been itching for an excuse to get back home to the ‘hood.

I know at least three people who’d vote for you right now. By the way you owe me $9.

Just think: You’d be able to stop all of this incessant complaining AND finally put some of your brilliant political ideas into action.

I’m sure the people of Detroit would find it refreshing to have a compassionate, generous soul like you leading their beleaguered city out of its current shit storm.

Plus, you’re always complaining about how much it costs sending your kids to that fancy-schmancy school – Detroit schools are notoriously cheap. In fact I’m pretty sure it’s the only district in the nation where wiping your ass with an outdated textbook is not only encouraged, but required.

Of course there’s the whole power/sex thing, too.

Mrs. Moe won’t be able to keep her tiny hands off you once you’re in office. (Just had an a-ha moment here: I figured out why you married a small woman – it makes Little Moe look ginormous. Nice going.)
~~~~~~~~~~
A few thoughts on campaign slogans:

Be a ho, vote Moe!
Shaddap and vote for Moe
Moe: He ain’t black but he’s willing to learn
Vote for Moe or my buddy Degrande will kick yer ass
Moe: Cheap. Horny. White.
Moe: Not nearly as bad as that last douchebag
Moe: Too cheap for texting
Quit yer whining. That’s my job. Vote Moe.
~~~~~~~~~~
A word of warning, though. Politics can get ugly.

Keep in mind that even seemingly small things – like leaving the American flag off your hybrid go-cart, for example – can and will be used against you. But I’m sure you know this, being such a huge fan of Fox News and Rush Limbaugh.

So whaddaya say, Moe? Mayor of Detroit.

Do it for the citizens of that sorry-ass city. Do it for your family.

But most of all do it for your faithful fans who’d love to see you quit belly-aching and actually do something for a change.

Hey.

Moe: Do Something For a Change. Perfect!
~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: The Star Spangled Banner
I am reading: Neil in the Sun-Times
And I am: a Moe ho

18 comments:

LBB said...

Do Something For a Change.

That is about the most perfect campaign slogan I can imagine.

Anonymous said...

I don't know who Moe is... but I support him 100%...

Mo doesn't Blow!!

Citizen Grommit

molly gras said...

OMG! I'm so going to move to Detroit so that I can vote for Moe!!

I'll be another Moe Ho!! We'll make ourselves a tight, T-shirt-wearing contingent in support of the ole' bitch bag!!

Moe Wanchuk said...

Dear Head,

Thank you for your support. As you know, I've had my share of Ho's, but I have to admit, YOU are My Favorite Moe Ho.
You are right, about so many things. Yes, I am a Tight Screw.....AND...I'm also careful with money.
I can save Detroit. I would use taxpayer money to buy a John Deere bulldozer and flatten 95% of the city. I would only leave Joe Louis Arena, Ford Field , Comerica Park (Tiger Stadium) and the Casinos. I would buy Cheetah's strip joint from the city of Windsor, move it to Detroit and make it my headquarters. All humans would be asked to leave or be shot. Once I get some free marketeer business' up and running, I will set a tax rate at 5%. Then people will be able to move back in and rebuild this beautiful city on the water. There will be a 1% city income tax and another 1% sales tax to pay for Police, Roads and schools. There will be strict laws. If you break them, you will be Caned. If you break them again, you will be shot. All homes will be made of the greenest of green products, have solar roofs with heating/cooler provided by geothermal systems. I will be the Judge, Jury and Prosecutor. Left wing lawyers will not exist to protect rapists, murderers and thieves. Making the comment "I will raise taxes" will get you caned. I will not be mayor to take your money. You will work hard, make money and keep it. It's YOURS. Invest it. Donate it to Charities. Distribute it to your friends or family. Anyone who says "Moe owes me health care" will be caned. Getting an education and working hard will take care of that. You will be responsible for yourself.

Hookers will be legal. If you have to pay for P*ssy/D*ck, that's between you and your wallet.

"Do Something for a Change....Vote Moe!"

Dave said...

I'd have to move to Detroit to vote for Moe?

Anonymous said...

Moe for Motown. Anyone would be better than Mr. Kilpatrick.

Gwen said...

I'm here via Moe himself. I wanna be a Moe Ho! I can't vote in, or come back to, Detroit but I'll campaign on the internets. Let me know what I can do for the effort.

just a girl... said...

Wow what a great post to wake up too. Thank You for that.

Hedy said...

MOE TOWN. How the hell did I miss that? Brilliant.

Oh and thanks for sharing your platform with us, Moe. What about the schools? Please tell me you have a plan for providing TP to the schools.

Hedy said...

Also: Thank you to all you new visitors - Just a Girl and Gwen, especially. Thanks for being here. :)

Posolxstvo I said...

I don't think I am qualified to be a Moe Ho. And I don't think he'd be comfortable with me being a Ho Moe.

Aargh. This is driving me crazy. I need a label! Maybe I can be a Moe Ron? Or maybe a Moe Tivationalspeaker? Or maybe I can round up Billy Idol, and together we can be Moe Ny / Moe Ny?

Susan said...

Hedy -
You would make a great campaign manager - start grooming your candidate for the race by having him take singing lessons and growing an afro.

a moefro?

MelO said...

I was BORN a Moe-ho!!

LOL... Great idea, Hedy!! ;) I love it.

Whiskeymarie said...

I'd totally be a Moe ho, especially if tight t-shirts are involved.

And, each and every one of those slogans is brilliant. Who WOULDN'T be proud to have Mayor Moe in charge?

Renaissance Woman said...

I would vote for Moe!!!

taxman said...

Enough with this Moe talk. Yes we should send him to Detroit, but only to have him somewhere that we will never have to visit and probably never hear from again. Let's clear up the internet pipes for more important things like fantasy football and dating sites.

archie bunker said...

i am torn on this matter of voting for Moe. On one hand, I can't vote for him because he believes in the global warming hoax. On the other hand, I like the caning idea, especially if the lawbreaker is a hot chick!

Brian said...

Grandma always said to marry a woman with small hands, makes your dick look bigger. Smart man that Moe is...