The way it's meant to be

When things are good, it's easy to forget how miserable you were.

Walking into the office today, I remembered that dark and dreadful feeling I'd get going to that other place. It was a smokey, dirty, depressing and dysfunctional environment. Not to mention the fear of getting screamed at for no reason every day. Hard to believe I lasted six months.

Now I walk into my clean, airy, fun, positive office -- with no worries beyond how to do more today than I did yesterday for these fine folks. Better still, we're not only growing, but thriving, in spite of the crap economy.

Since it was entirely serendipitous finding this place, I'm noodling lately on how everything happens for a reason and how (perhaps) being in this new place was meant to be.

It seems like everything finally clicked back into place when I came here. This is a feeling I've been waiting on for nearly four years.

Have you ever had that feeling? That ahhhh, sigh-filled feeling when everything goes back to being right and good again? Maybe it was when you had your first child. Maybe it was when you found your spouse. Or the right job. Or a house that finally felt like home.

That's where I am right now. And it's cool.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: The Way Life is Supposed to Be - Bob Schneider
I am reading: Nothing much
And I am: Joyful

C’mon, how much?

“C’mon, how much you making these days?” he’d ask. “C’mon. How much? Just tell me.”

And then: “What kinda car you driving these days? C’mon, tell me. Tell me.”

My first reaction? “What difference does it make? Why is this so important to you?”

But eventually he’d wear me down, I'd wince and tell him.

It happened every six months or so – much later, I realized he’d only call after receiving a raise or promotion, or after getting a new car.

It always was important to him to know where he stood in relation to me – a twisty little competition he’d created between us since childhood that was mostly amusing but occasionally downright irritating.

We don’t speak much anymore. I’m not sure why.

But I don’t miss the competitive aspect of our relationship at all. And I wonder how happy he is, constantly measuring the 'things' in his life against others.

To me, the better questions have always been: What have you been up to? What is new? What excites you about your life? How’s your family? How are the kids? How's work?

If you’re going to count anything in life, it ought to be your blessings above all else.

Right?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What’s the rudest question anyone’s ever asked you? And how did you respond?

Beyond the whole salary/vehicle thing, here are a few more of my favorites:

Are you pregnant?
How much did your house cost?
Is that your real hair color?
How about a blow job?
Are those your real boobs?
Are you a professional?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Are you a professional? Why is that rude, Hedy?

Well. I was in a club. Dancing.

"HEY, that GUY just asked if I was a PROFESSIONAL," I yell to Nelson over the music, beaming proudly, thinking the dude meant professionally trained dancer.

"STRIPPER, Hed. He thought you were a STRIPPER."

Oh. Right. Rude.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Everything Counts – Depeche Mode
I am reading: Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine
And I am: Counting my blessings

A jolly rogering

Here at HedyBlog, we're all about excellence in journalism.

And cock jokes.

So whether you're large or small, thick or thin, you'll say God bless Jan Vinzenz Krause, inventor of the spray-on condom.

Have you heard about this? It's called Jolly Joe.

Apparently ill-fitting condoms are the scourge of the $300 million willy wrap industry.

I seriously wouldn't know.

The closest I come (shaddap) to a condom these days is putting on the nifty rubbery case for my iPhone. It's a sick, twisted little thrill. And I do it as slowly as possible. Gently slipping the case over the hard edge, giving it a fun little snap to secure it in place...

Whew. Okay, I'm back. Sorry.

So Krause - who Time magazine compares to Edison and Ford - invented spray-on condoms.

Yep. Edison and Ford. Time Magazine.

All hell's breaking loose in Russia or Atlanta or whatever. It turns out the ancient Chinese secret is "Lie about everything, who gives a fuck, we're communists."

And leave it to Time magazine to make a headline out of protecting your cock from crotch rot.

I'm not even going to say it. It's too easy. Okay, I can't resist.

When it comes to hard news, Time is like a sore wiener: You just can't beat it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
However, all is not well in the land of the sealed penis. Apparently the latex takes two to three minutes to dry.

More than enough time for Mr. Peeper to lose his pep, if ya know what I mean.

But no worries, ladies. Krause - who says he "felt a little like MacGyver" created clever packaging so you can diddle while your dude dries. Brilliant.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just a side note on the Olympics: We've got Tancock and Beavers fighting it out in the Men's 200-meter individual medley tonight.

Again. Excellence in journalism, folks.

Clapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: "Beavers ends the race on top of Tancock..."
I am reading: Not much
And I am: Playing with my iPhone again

Wonderful

For you wake one day, look around and say: "Somebody wonderful married me."
~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Married - Cabaret soundtrack
I am reading: Nothing
And I am: Blessed

Mine goes to 11

Just when you think the world can't surprise you, there's this from -- ironically enough -- the Land Down Under:

Australian doctors warn against 'designer vagina' craze

I refuse to actually read the article for fear of being caught up in this muff-related mania.

Seriously.

Isn't keeping up on skirt lengths and hairstyles worrisome enough for us fashion-impaired types?

Now I have to think about couture for my cootchie? C'mon.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Okay, I had to read it.

And I'm all "WHEW!" and then "THAT'S CRAZY!" and then "OUCH!"

Apparently this latest craze is about surgery for 'vaginal rejuvenation, revirgination, designer vaginoplasty and G-spot amplification.'

G-spot amplification? Amplification?

Is there a knob somewhere? Does this mean there's a mute button, too? Who knew?
~~~~~~~~~~~
But Hedy, you had a boob job. Would you deny women the opportunity to improve their quality of life through surgery?

Tits are one thing. You just don't mess with the muff.
~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Pink - Who Knew
I am reading: Nothing
And I am: Having t-shirts made

All I need is u

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Nothing Compares 2 U - Sinead O'Connor
I am reading: Neil at the Sun-Times
And I am: Waiting for u

No rest for the wicked

"I've gotta go to a meeting at Playboy next week," I say to Jim.

"COOL...maybe you'll be discovered," he says. "The Girls of Technology."

"Girls?"

"Right. Broads of Technology."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes, I'm back to work. It's a long story.

My time off was too short but I did meet some cool people and went on some cool adventures.

Speaking of cool adventures, I met Dave from Rather Than Working during my time in Atlanta. He was just as I imagined - the perfect Southern gentleman - treating me to a fabulous dinner and giving me the Grand Tour of Atlanta, which was cool because I wouldn't have seen even 1/10 of it otherwise. I am looking forward to returning the favor when (not if, Dave) he comes to Chicago.

But yeah, back to work. It's good.

What I mean is, if I could've imagined the perfect reason to return to corporate life, it would be this place. Nice people, a normal non-turdly boss, and plenty of opportunities to make a difference. There's no smoking, no screaming and no reason to believe I can't keep this job for the foreseeable future.

Here's my only regret: I would've liked to give a go to the freelance thing a little longer. It was refreshing and interesting and I want to thank my friends Mary, Alison, Cheryl and Dennis for making it unbelievably easy and wonderful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So yes, Playboy.

Discovered, Hedy? Yes.

Number 8,321 why I love my poor, delusional husband.

Anyhoo, here's my primary concern: What does one wear to the Mecca of Masturbation?

Perhaps this? Or maybe this?

These outfits just scream 'professional', don't they?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Well, it was nice meeting you Hedy," says Playboy dude. "Nice outfit. By the way, we're doing a feature for the September issue called the Chubby Girls of Technology, you in?"

"Are you kidding? Of course!"

Oh, to be considered with the likes of the current Miss July, whose ambitions include "To be a 'bad girl' on The Young and the Restless, a housewife or a weather girl."

Why not all three, honey? You're on a roll. At least that's what it looks like you're sitting on these days.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mecca of Masturbation, Hedy? How about showing a little respect?

Right.

What does one wear to the Bethlehem of Beating Off?

Is that better? No? I didn't think so.

Shaddap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And in honor of George Carlin, the Seven Words You Can't Say on TV: Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker and Tits.

Rest in peace, you cranky, brilliant dude.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Tobor the Great
I am reading: Sin in the Second City by Karen Abbott
And I am: Bunny-riffic

Sexy garden

"Your clitoris is really blooming nicely," says Judy yesterday.

"You mean the chlamydia? Yeah, it's gorgeous, isn't it?" says me.

Explanation: Jim can't remember the name of the purple clematis out back, so he's been calling it 'chlamydia' for years.

Now all our friends and neighbors do it, too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Meet the Press without Tim Russert (sad)
I am reading: Sin in the Second City by Karen Abbott
And I am: Looking forward to another great day

The classic backpedal - parts 1 & 2

"I thought you got a haircut," says Jim. "It looks the same."

. . .

"I mean, it's as cute as ever. Really."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I had a dream last night we were doing it and you stuck it in my butt," says Heather.

. . .

"I mean, it was just a dream. Really."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Pipe - Shovelmouth
I am reading: The Best American Short Stories 2007 - Edited by Stephen King
And I am: Cute as ever, really

Still searching

"What's he got?" asks our good friend You Know Who Thursday night.

We were watching Max the Wonder Dog frolic in the yard with my foam kneepads, left outside after a burst of energetic gardening earlier in the day.

"Kneepads."

"I take it the job search is going well then?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) - Marilyn Manson
I am reading: Copy for a new web site
And I am: Still searching

Ahhh, science

"Experts from 10 countries, including Australia, the United States, Germany and Egypt, say they have defined life-long premature ejaculation."

Have you seen this? It's taken a crack team of scientists from around the world 65 years and hundreds of studies to DEFINE premature ejaculation.

Outstanding. And they wonder why whack-job creationists don't trust science.

"It was unanimously agreed by the experts that the definition of lifelong premature ejaculation should be a combination of three key factors:

-- Ejaculation that always or nearly always occurs prior to or within about one minute of vaginal penetration.

-- The inability to delay ejaculation on all or nearly all vaginal penetrations.

-- Negative personal consequences such as distress, bother, frustration and/or the avoidance of sexual intimacy."

Um, guys?

I hate to burst your little scientific bubble here, but I completed this study wayyyyy back in college. And without the expensive cross-continent circle jerk, I might add.

Here's a thought: Now that you've defined what practically any woman over the age of 18 knows and has experienced at least once in their lives, how about finding a cure?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: The Spill Canvas - All Over You
I am reading: Nothing right now
And I am: Seriously regretting not publishing my findings back in 1986

An orgasm is a terrible thing to waste

A German survey has found that educated women are less fun in the sack. At least that's what the headline says:

Clever girls have bad sex.

In the study, 62 percent of women who had completed their education said they often had problems achieving orgasm. Only 38 percent of women with a lower educational qualification said they had such problems.

*SIGH*

Of course the survey makes no mention of how these women are (or aren't) managing to achieve the Great and Powerful O.

But it seems like this study is more of an indictment on educated German men than their thinky little Frauleins, ja?
~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Foo Fighters - The Pretender
I am reading: The Prophet from Jupiter by Tony Earley
And I am: Doing homework

See what happens when I take a day off

Lynchings in Congo as penis theft panic hits capital

Some lucky stiff at Reuters had a blast writing that headline.

I'm trying to figure out the mechanics of a penis snatching. Is it similar to my Uncle Frank's famous "I've got your nose" trick?

Because it's not as if a penis is a purse or something you could grab and run off with too easily.

Although, if we can believe all of the National Geographic specials on Africa I've ever seen, they do keep their wieners, shall we say, readily available and ripe for thievery or whathaveyou.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Penis. Theft. Panic.

C'mon. We know what's really happening, don't we ladies?

"Can you describe the penis, sir?"

"It was big. Huge. And it always worked. Always."

"Right."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: Craig Ferguson
I am reading: Eh, not much right now
And I am: Saying penis theft panic three times fast

Paging Mike Hunt

“Um, Heather? There's a Craven Morehead on the phone for you...do you want to take the call?"

That’s a co-worker via intercom Friday afternoon.

Of course I laugh.

There’s a customer whose last name is Morehead. So, logically, Craven got added to the list with Heywood Jablome and Ben Dover and Dick Gozinya and Phil McCracken.

"Are you gonna take this call or what?" he says insistently.

I assume there’s a real caller waiting.

"Seriously, who is Craven Morehead, really?" I say.

"Apparently YOU ARE!"

CLICK.

Still can’t believe I fell for that one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am listening to: More Than This – Roxy Music
I am reading: Not much
And I am: Still laughing