The perfect set

My good friend Dave is the inspiration for today's post, which would have been decidedly LESS interesting had I proceeded with the original plan to write about the pseudo-inspirational crap you might find on a grande-sized Starbucks coffee cup.

Yep. Let's all take a moment to thank him right now. Say it with me:

THANK YOU, DAVE.

Anyhoo.

First off: I've never been in a strip club. Plenty of opportunities, never been. Those of you who know me well might find this surprising. But it's true.

Here's why: For some reason, I really like the idea of ending my days being able to say "I've never been to a strip club."

I fantasize I'm this shriveled up, out-of-her-freakin-mind old broad scooting around the nursing home wearing nothing but a housecoat and a gummy grin, goosing old guys and yelling: "I'VE NEVER BEEN TO A STRIP CLUB!"

Maybe.

Or maybe it's because I've done pretty much everything else and it feels kinda good saying that.

Maybe.
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According to Dave -- who I know for certain appreciates a good neighborhood bar over a strip club any day -- there is such a thing as The Perfect Set.

We're not talking fake tits here, either, although I'm sure Moe would happily weigh in on that topic.

No, we're talking about music.

Three songs. Up tempo, mid tempo and slow. The Perfect Strip Club Set.

Got it?

Here is Dave's perfect set:

She Loves My C@*k by Jackyl
Don't Want No Short Dick Man by CJ Gee
I Touch Myself by The Divinyls.
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I wasn't entirely sure how to spell Divinyls so I popped over to my iTunes library to check it.

And I was shocked - SHOCKED - to learn it wasn't one of my songs.

It's an all time favorite, yet I'm not an owner.

I'm very disappointed in myself right now. Don't get me wrong, I still love myself.
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Top strip scenes in movies off the top of my head and in no particular order:

The Full Monty - the final scene.

Yep. That's all I got. Sorry.
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I decided to go all Googly on the subject -- search for 'top strip songs' -- and found this sad woman with the unintentionally ironic moniker 'knowitall':

strip clubs are ******* lame and gay grow up. what kind of man wants to sit around with 30 other guys and get a hard on. maybe they should all just jack each other off and admit they are all ugly and retarded thats why they cant get any real women.

Jesus tits. Lighten up, honey. Perhaps if you stepped away from the computer once in a while you'd actually have a shot at getting popped in the cooter. Then maybe you wouldn't be so angry and concerned about how other people have fun.
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After much thought, here's my perfect set:

Naughty Naughty - John Parr
Purple Haze - The Cure
Black Velvet - Alannah Myles

Runners up:

You Can Leave Your Hat On - Joe Cocker
So Hott - Kid Rock
Cream - Prince
D'Yer Mak'er - Led Zeppelin
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Confession: Since the first time I heard it back in the early 90's, I've always wanted to strip to Purple Haze by The Cure.

Take a listen. I think you'll agree it is a surprisingly strip-worthy song.
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Here's me, texting Jim last night: "Quick: What's the best strip club song of all time?"

Jim: "Pour Some Sugar on Me"

Me: "I figured"

An hour later (keep in mind, he's been in Las Vegas, the Dancing Cooter Capital of the Planet, since Sunday).

Jim: "It's been so long since I went to one I don't know what's popular."

Me: "Right. It took you long enough to come up with that answer. I was waiting."

Jim: "My personal favorite is Lick It Up by Kiss."

Me: "There ya go."
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So what's your perfect set? What makes the perfect stripper song?

Isn't 'popped in the cooter' fun to say?

Say it with me: POPPED IN THE COOTER.

Thank you, Dave.

Clapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclap.
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I am listening: Hedy's Perfect Set
I am reading: Still nothing
And I am: thinking about installing a brass pole in the basement